I am not liking the Baby Momma "Drama"

[anthonee]

Thank you Vashti for your insights. I will definitely be direct, and tell her what I expect of both she and I. That advice will help greatly. Thanks again everyone for your help in this matter.

[miSSleepy]

I'm not a parent and have never been in such a situation so I can't offer anythign to match the quality of the above advice! But she seems insecure and threatened by your past life and your ex-wife, and your daughter is like a bridge between you and your ex, and I'm guessing she wants you to have nothing to do with that. But your daughter's interest should be number one and this woman is standing in the way with her obnoxious insecurity.

[IndiReloaded]

Kudos to Vash for nailing this one.

Anthonee, I hope for your sake that your GF issues are more to do w/her insecurities than a dislike for your daughter. If its the latter, make sure you choose your child (b/c you will be manipulated into choosing if that's so). In that worse-case scenario, dumping your GF will only damage her & yourself, two adults who will recover. By harming your child, you are affecting her, your relationship w/her, any future SOs relationships & likely your grandchildren. Something to keep in mind when you are weighing your options. Good luck.

[vashti]

I liked reading that Vash. You should post insights like this more often.

I rarely post anything about my personal life unless it is directly related to the topic at hand, and I think extra credibility may be necessary. I like my private life to be private, especially the more weighty topics.

Besides, I rather enjoy your ridiculous assumptions about my life, which have absolutely nothing to do with reality.

[Gigabitch]

Please keep in mind that I want to keep this girl in my life. She is my friend. She is my partner. I believe God has helped us find each other. I don't want to give up so easily.

And YOU keep in mind that you have not only found your friend and partner, but also a stepmother for your daughter. Try to see her this way, for just a moment, without your own feelings coloring the picture. Are you doing right by your daughter?

I think you should tell her straight up that you are uncomfortable marrying someone that's threatened by the fact that you have a past. You can put this in a nicer way, but be clear that this is what you mean. Your girlfriend is gearing up to make you choose between her and your daughter. It will be much easier for her to do this when she's got a ring on her finger.

Fix this shit FIRST.

[anthonee]

That's a good point Gigabitch. I like that advice as well. I will definitely do so.

[anthonee]

Ok, so she and I talked, and she convinced me that it wasn't my daughter that was the problem, but rather her mom calling me incessantly. She says that if my daughter wants to talk to me, she can dial the number for her, and give the phone to her, without the need to talk to me about something in the interim.

She also wants me to call my daughter first, and be direct with that approach, as in, "hello, calling to say goodnight to my daughter", for example.

She has also agreed to be less frustrated when I get a phone call at night or in the morning when we are having breakfast, or spending time together, if I can work on getting my daughters mother to call me way less often.

So now my question is, how do I tell my daughters mother to decrease the call frequency to me without causing her to feel malice towards me and taking it out on the time I want to spend with my daughter? Yes, yes I know she's not suppose to do this, but you know how people are.

I want to be direct and to the point, but I don't want her to feel like I'm the enemy or something. I'm just trying to get on with my life. I guess, If you were calling your ex over and over again for attention, what would you want him to say to you to get you to stop?

I'm still not asking the question correctly. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to hurt other peoples feelings, which is one reason we stayed together for so long. We were never married though, just wanted to clarify that position.

[vashti]

Again, there is no way to control your ex's behavior. If you guys get along pretty well, you could just tell her that her phone calls make your new girlfriend insecure, I guess, but that will not make your girlfriend look very grown up, will it? (I would definitely point this out to your girlfriend. It may help to shut her up because one thing women hate is to look insecure to an ex.) As I said before, the phone calls should diminish once your ex recognizes you have moved on. It is often painful for an ex to move on because it forces you to accept that there is no more hope for reconciliation, which is especially sad when children are involved. It's too bad your girlfriend can't be just a little more compassionate about that.

I don't know what the dialogue is like between you and your ex. Are you chatting about nonsense? If so, cut it out. You don't need to be rude, but you can simply say "I'm on my way out the door, what do you need?". Again, tell your girlfriend you are not willing to be an ass to your ex in order to keep her from calling because that would negatively impact your daughter.

I don't like that your girlfriend is trying to control how phone calls are to take place. Controlling behavior escalates over time. It really worries me about how she will be relating to your daughter when she visits. What is she going to do if your daughter misses her mom when she is visiting and wants to call home? (This is a VERY normal thing to have happen.) I suspect she will take it as a personal affront and deal harshly with your kid when really, it is NORMAL to want to call your mom when you miss her when you are little.

As for your ex withholding visitation, do you have a court order? If not, you may want to get one. I hope your girlfriend will make nice enough that you won't have to resort to that, but it is not looking hopeful, to be honest.

[vashti]

You know, I want to give you another piece of unsolicited advice: don't let your girlfriend play a role in disciplining your child, even if you decide to get married. She should be acting like an aunt who spoils your daughter and has fun with her. YOU should do the parenting in your household all by yourself. If you don't follow this advice, the odds are overwhelming that your daughter and your girlfriend will HATE each other, and they will both resent you for not protecting them from one another. Trust me on this.

[Gigabitch]

I think you should just let your ex get tired of calling you all the time. If you tell her to stop it, you run the risk of looking like you don't want to talk to your daughter, and that's terrible.

It's hard for me to advise you about how to deal with your girlfriend in this matter, because it sounds like you're far too nice to do what I would do in that situation. If it were me in your shoes, I'd cut her down to size with about two minutes of cold-hearted description of just how ridiculous and insecure she was making her self look, not only to me but to my ex as well, making it very clear that it made her far less attractive to me every time she showed me how threatened she was by this person who is part of my past and impossible to get rid of. I would make her cry and look at her with disgust.

You're probably not going to do that, though.

[vashti]

You're probably not going to do that, though.

I bet he would if he had a crystal ball and could see what his life is gonna look like in 10 years if he stays with her.

[Mish]

I rarely post anything about my personal life unless it is directly related to the topic at hand, and I think extra credibility may be necessary. I like my private life to be private, especially the more weighty topics.

Besides, I rather enjoy your ridiculous assumptions about my life, which have absolutely nothing to do with reality.

My assumptions are only grounded in that which you yourself reveal

[Mish]

She has also agreed to be less frustrated when I get a phone call at night or in the morning when we are having breakfast, or spending time together, if I can work on getting my daughters mother to call me way less often.

I want to be direct and to the point, but I don't want her to feel like I'm the enemy or something. I'm just trying to get on with my life. I guess, If you were calling your ex over and over again for attention, what would you want him to say to you to get you to stop?

Do you feel your ex is calling you up for attention? How often does she call you for a conversation and what are the usual conversation lengths? I was about to say that your new gf may be jelous that your ex is recieving a lot of attention. Does she have a reason to be jelous?

[squirrley]

You should just come out tell the x to please not call so often, only when necessary. Show some respect thats all, for all of you. I can understand the current gf feeling like uuuuuuuuugh why does she always have to call??? Its probably frustrating for her. BUT she has to accept it. PERIOD. You will be living like this for the rest of your lives.

I have to put my 2 cents in on some advice for the discipline as well. My son was 16 when I met my husband. My husband wanted to be a part of kyles life and he felt disciplining was one of those things. I felt completely different and we STILL argue over my son. My husband and I came together way late in kyles life. Child bearing age was over.

Im not sure how the current gf feels in child rearing your daughter or how much she wants to be involved. But your daughter is so young yet and they have a great opportunity to establish a wonderful relationship. You will have so many things come up with her as well as with her child. Do you play an active role in her childs life? Its tough no doubt.

If you want a solid relationship you'll have to work through things together and talk things out together.

[IndiReloaded]

You know, I want to give you another piece of unsolicited advice: don't let your girlfriend play a role in disciplining your child, even if you decide to get married. She should be acting like an aunt who spoils your daughter and has fun with her. YOU should do the parenting in your household all by yourself. If you don't follow this advice, the odds are overwhelming that your daughter and your girlfriend will HATE each other, and they will both resent you for not protecting them from one another. Trust me on this.

Normally I would disagree w/this, only b/c it sets up a dynamic of competition b/t your daughter & your GF from the get-go. Under reasonable circumstances, I would say that your future wife's discipline actions should be equally respected as yours.

But she's just not sounding very reasonable, so I think this is the path you & she will need to take in order to have ANY peace in your home. You can always try to sell the idea of 'Fairy StepMom' to her by reminding her it likely won't go down well w/your ex. That should provide some motivation. Good luck.