figuring things out made life worse F***

[alidile]

hey guys, my computer's brain's been MIA but now i'm back.
so i'm off my crazy anti-depressants and am back to using my head properly again which lead to an AHA moment.
i've realized i like the guys who are super good looking, promiscuous, assholes, cynical, won't settle down, and everyone wants them. BUT i'm not just one of those girls who wants them like all the rest.
I think it's because if i was a guy i'd be one of them and it's like the one place i've found my match but i can't outsmart these guys.
the only guy i've ever really had feelings for ****ed me over like i do to every other guy in the world because i get bored so easily and i HAVE to wear the pants because they aren't capable of keeping up with me.
the problem with this is a friend of mine and i had sex... we will probably continue we work together. i think i actually have feelings for this guy though. we go out and are both makingout w/ other people flirting clubbing whatever and then at the end of the night we cuddle up together or something but it's totally "platonic"
he acts like he's in love with anyone he's with while he's w/ them... cuddles w/ them all the times looks in their eyes holding hands... and he wants what he can't have... he knows he will NEVER get me emotionally and this is driving me to act like i like him less in hopes that he will try harder and fall along the way.
this is really all over the place i could go on but i'll stop here... please help me. i'm a hopeless romantic and i'm spinning out.

[Gigabitch]

You're being emotionally reckless. I think you should take some time off from guys and get your head on straight. You could find a good one if you'd only let yourself.

[Mish]

so i'm off my crazy anti-depressants

What were you diagnosed with? What is your condition?

I sense some impulsive behaviour in your posts. I am having a hard time figuring out what is it that you want to achieve?

[alidile]

i'm the hopeless romantic... i want to fall in love but everyone i've ever hooked up w/ minus one guy and this friend who i'm screwing around with now don't satisfy me ever.
as i said, i always end up wearing the pants. almost every guy i'm capable of making cry in about 2 minutes, every person for that matter. i've just magically channeled into it, not that i use this skill often but it's an example of what i'm capable of.
and it's not look i'm always hooking up w/ someone i'm really not at all, you know i flirt but i want this guy i think cos he's one of the guys i go for, the ones who would keep me interested.
i get bored sooo easily.
is anyone else out there like me??? or know how to deal w/ people like these guys or is like these guys? just for future reference... it's just a pattern i'm realizing now. :S
(just general clinical depression fairly minor. mood swings and a bit of depersonalization disorder.oooh and i'm passive aggressive. and apparently i don't feel the ways everyone else does about society, but that's not a psychological thing, just making my own life harder.)

[alidile]

oh, and the nice guys irritate me, i'm a b*itch for lack of better words and i like that if i take a freak out on someone they'll throw it right back at me... i don't like to me the dominator... i want someone as my equal.

[Mish]

i'm the hopeless romantic... i want to fall in love but everyone i've ever hooked up w/ minus one guy and this friend who i'm screwing around with now don't satisfy me ever.

but i want this guy i think cos he's one of the guys i go for, the ones who would keep me interested.
i get bored sooo easily.

I guess the question is, how can you be a hopeless romantic if you get bored very easily? He won't be able to keep you interested forever. Noone will actually. So what will happen when you are not interested anymore? How will your hopeless romanticism for one person be sustained if you are so frequently attracted to change?

[alidile]

it's not that i'm attracted to different things... it's just most people don't capture me in the first place... forget just relationships i mean in all aspects of life. people don't usually satisfy me. so i'm a hopeless romantic if i can find what i want... i'm hopelessly hoping to find that right person and then i think i would forget about all my quims and stop being so impulsive and indecisive because i'd be content.. but i can't find that person... those people are like me and we just screw everything up in the end. it's like this vicious cycle.

[Mish]

i'm hopelessly hoping to find that right person and then i think i would forget about all my quims and stop being so impulsive and indecisive because i'd be content.. but i can't find that person... those people are like me and we just screw everything up in the end. it's like this vicious cycle.

I'm sorry to sound cynical, but you probably won't be able to find that right person with whom you can exercise your hopeless romanticism and who will change you on sucha level. There will always be flaws which will challenge your content state. And the longer you stay with a person the more flaws will come out and the more challenging it will become. Although it's very important to find the right person with whom you have the right chemistry, your own impusiveness and indecisiveness is something that you will need to challenge from within. Noone aside from yourself will have the power to change you and make you be content in a relationship.

Interesting saying I sometimes refer to. "Is there a single person in the world that we can fully accept, appreciate and love unconditionally until the very end?" Yes there is, at least one person for almost everyone. And that's oursevles. If we can learn to do this for ourselves, we can learn to do the same for at least one other.

[alidile]

hehe... yeah i'm aware of that... but i mean... i'm really difficult to work with. i'm quite satisfied with who i am and i get on real well with my friends but it's a matter of not getting on well with too many in general. i'm sooo hard to work with. and i can be buckled down... i was for 5 months with one guy and that ended for totally different reasons.
i know i have to deal with my own issues separately. this isn't about an issue so much though i know how i am and what i like and don't like. it's a matter of how the hell am i supposed to get somewhere with it.
i DONT want anyone to change me. that would be my biggest problem. i just want someone to be okay with what i am and those people and i are soooo few and far between i find. i can be the easiest person ever if my buttons just aren't pushed because then i will push every single button someone i'm seeing has. and i think it's pretty easy NOT to do. i just want these people to naturally not in the first place.
it's always the "impossible" guy i dunno if i want to break people down or what? i don't know if it's some sense of accomplishment but i always feel like i'm babysitting otherwise and people get so clingy.
no i don't think you're cynical

[Gigabitch]

i'm really difficult to work with. i'm quite satisfied with who i am and i get on real well with my friends but it's a matter of not getting on well with too many in general. i'm sooo hard to work with. and i can be buckled down... ...

i just want someone to be okay with what i am and those people and i are soooo few and far between i find. i can be the easiest person ever if my buttons just aren't pushed because then i will push every single button someone i'm seeing has. and i think it's pretty easy NOT to do. i just want these people to naturally not in the first place.

Relationships require compromise. You're rigid. What I read here is that you're not actually interested in being in a relationship. I don't think the term "hopeless romantic" applies to you at all. Maybe you should try on "combative" or "porcupine".

You sound to me like a person comprised almost entirely of defense mechanisms. I don't think you know yourself very well. You remind me very much of myself before I met the first guy who really knocked my socks off. I was so ****ing cocky and bored with everyone.

Well, brace yourself. At some point, you're going to meet someone who will change all of that, and I want to warn you that you are going to arrive completely unprepared for him. I hope he's nice to you, because otherwise, you're going to get totally shredded.

[TAVS]

If you dont have a therapist, I suggest you get one. You will never be truely happy until some issues are resolved.

[alidile]

i do in fact have a therapist... and this apparently isn't to do with me... i mean... my taste may be not what will have me the most satisfied in life.... however, if that's what i want... my problem is dealing with it. i don't know how to deal with the "impossible" man. i try to look to myself but that's not very concrete.

[TAVS]

Seems to me like a quality therapist would help you come into touch with why you feel the desire to put yourself in relationships that are not going to lead to anything good.

[Gigabitch]

i try to look to myself but that's not very concrete.

It's the most real thing you've got, babe.