need advice

[overwhelmed]

Ok Here's my dirt

My ex H and I were married 8 years and we have 2 children 8 and 6. We always got along pretty good. He worked and I stayed home to raise the kids and did everything else as well. ALL the house work/yard work/house repairs/ you name it, I did it.

At first he didn't "know how" to do any thing. Some things I would show him and then he took over. For ex.- changing the oil in the car. Once I showed him how he took over that job. But as time went on he was less and less receptive about trying to learn any of these sort of tasks. Finally it got to the point where I realized it was less him not knowing how and more he didn't want to. This man would actually stand on the porch smoking a cig while I carried in all the groceries.

I think he resented me not working outside the home. His attitude was he worked so he didn't have to do anything else.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

Then we bought a house. It needed some fixing up b4 the bank would finance it. I (along with the previous owner) did the repairs. We got the house good enough for the bank and bought it and moved in, but there was still some things that needed done. I wanted to keep on working on it and get it done asap. But, my H would not help with anything.

We started fighting a lot. Nothing physical, but a lot of arguing. He got worse and worse about helping to do anything. On his days off he would get drunk and pass out by 7 pm. Leaving it all for me, kids, house, dig up the leach bed, fix the water lines, everything.

Meanwhile,,,,,,the previous owner, (who lives across the road from us) is always comming down here trying to help me with stuff. In the beginning it made me a little uncomfortable. But the longer we lived here the more my H and I were fighting. The more I was thinking about my neighbor.

He was thinking about me too and soon we started to sneak around while H was at work.
I had never done anythig that before, and I was too guilty to carry on like that long. So Neighbor and I decided to divorce our respective others and be together.

Before we could tell our spouses my H caught us hugging. So I told him then. The neighbor didn't tell his W right away. This made me mad, so I called her and told her. Naturally this caused a riff between me and Neighbor. After that he stayed away from here for a few months. He would come back every other day or so, but we were supposed to be moving in together; and that wasnt happening.

I couldn't keep up the bills on my own, he knew that. In fact it was his idea that I should go ahead and leave my H b4 I found a job. He was going to (take care of me). I did get a job soon after that, and he did help out some, but the mortgage got way behind. The house was close to repo, he still hadn't filed for divorce and he wasn't even close to moving in truelly being together with me. (like we had planned). I started to thinking that he was just a liar, and a cheater. Did I mention that it was he who made the first move on me?

All thru this my Ex and I were talking and getting along remarkably well considering the circumstances. I decided to go back to him. I knew it would be better for the kids anyway. I did.

Ex was the same. after a day or so, i find myself fixing HIS washing machine. and just doing it all again.

Neighbor had a change of attitude, he filed for divorce and gave me enough $$ for 2 house payments. (though I was 3 behind) So then He and I got back together.

NOW--Every few weeks I switch

I seem to miss my ex sometimes. We are pretty good friends. There is no one else I would rather hang out with and party. It is really hard for me when the kids go to his house. I always want to go with them. I also miss him when there is family type stuff. Like getting the christmas tree. That was really hard to do with out him.

But everytime I have tried to go back to ex, I have missed and wanted my neighbor too much. I always end up back with neighbor. I have done this at least 5 or 6 times.

I NEED TO CHOOSE, ONCE AND FOR ALL
(this is my delimma)

Other factors affecting my situation

My oldest child is acting out. He was always a little on the wild side. Which I always attributed to my ex never diseplining the kids. (that was left all up to me too, and still is) But I know that the dissolution and change in family is making my son worse. This makes me feel GUILTY. GUILTY GUILTY

My neighbor is 25 years older than me.
and yes---I have Dad issues. My dad and I haven't gotten along in 20 years. Are these things related? Probably. But reguardless of why, I do love my N.
He is so good to me. He gets up b4 me every day and makes me coffee in bed. and he does everything around the house. DID I mention he is a carpender. He can build/fix/do anything. Night and Day from my ex.
Oh and he is ready to move in live happily ever after. I am very happy with him untill I start to feel guilty again.

AT THIS POINT,,,
I told my N I needed some space, just to get thru christmas. My ex is definately spending xmas eve here with me and the kids. he and I talk some about getting back together. He is willing. I just dont know.

If there is a chance that I could reconcile with kids father, shouldn't I at least try?

I am always sad. When I am with ex, I am sad cause I want N. and then vica versa.
Some times I think I am just one of those people who is never happy. So I should just do what is best for the kids and forget about even trying to be happy.

I have tried to get to the bottom of the happy question and I know that in order to be content with myself, I need to go back to school, and get a degree. I never could get financial aid while I was married. Now that I can, I am in the process to get back in school. This is top of my list. But I cant afford my house with out one of them, so I need to choose one.

Any thoughts, concerns, or comments may be helpful.

thanks for listening

[Mish]

Wow

What a mess

Sorry, I normally like to give advice to people, but in your situation I don't think I can give you something constructive. It looks like you played a big role in creating this mess in the first place. There are so many points and so many things you could have done differently to make it easier for yourself and for everyone else, but you didn't. Even now it seems, the cause of your worries and woes is your inability to make a choice and stick with it.

So what can you do? The best I can give you is make a decision and stick with it. You're not a 10 year old kid who given a choice between two lollies will never pick one. You are a mature woman with kids of your own. You should KNOW YOU better than anyone else. You should know that noone is perfect. And You should know what out of the flaws in others will work out for you best. Don't feed your victim mentality. Go out there, make a decision and stick by it.

[IndiReloaded]

^This is about the best advice you will get. I agree & I've been w/my husband almost 20 years.

Oh, and happiness isn't something you find & then go about your merry way. It comes from what Mish said: the satisfaction of choices well made & a job well done. Its never too late to start.