Please Help: How to get to know her?

[GrkScorp]

That is a great story you have there, I don't see how that could help considering that is assuming on her part what she would say. You get some nifty responses from women though. I would get something along the lines of "STFU kid and pick a coffee"...or just an odd look and blank stare.

Well, that's because it's not about WHAT you say, so much as it is about HOW you say it..

The words don't matter as much.. (think of Joey's "grandma's chicken salad" from Friends)..

- Facial Expression
- Eye movements
- Body-Language
- Tone of Voice
- Speed of Talking

They all make the difference between some creepy/needy/pushy/desperate guy here to get my attention, and that interesting/funny/fun/relaxed/confident guy who I want to get to know better, and "Oh! he just asked me out"..

As for asking her out.. Women = Guys + Social Intuition

She knows exactly why you're asking her out, (especially if it's just the two of you).. she's not an idiot.. BUT! she IS a woman, and she CAN chicken out and get scared.

Find a balance between comming off too strong (my biggest problem), and too weak (simply unattractive).. you want to hit it somewhere in the middle..

Too Strong: "Hey, pick a day this weekend, we're going to ____ I hope you (have an appetite, love chocolate, know how to skate, aren't scared of roller coasters, etc)"

Too Weak: "Hey, I was kind of sort of wondering if you would maybe like to go to _____ this weekend, or whenever you have time, sometime, if you want, and you're not busy"

Just Right: "Have you ever been/gone to ______? I have to take you there, you're going to love it, it's amazing! What are you doing this/next _____?"

Remember, women need an "excuse" so things don't feel awkward.. they know you're taking them on a date, but they don't want to feel that awkward transition of stranger-date.. so instead.. they want you to offer them that mental excuse of "Oh, he asked me if I ever went to ____, and I didn't, so we just went, and we had a great time, but now that I think about it, it was just the two of us, we had a great time, it was a date"... this is the process of "backwards rationalization".. it's when you allow a woman's emotions to act first, and leave room for logic later!

If you forget to create "social excuses", then her logic will kick in first, she'll feel this overwhelming feeling of awkwardness, it will "feel wrong & weird", and she'll feel the urge to just say "no" or back out of the engagement (social engagement)..

For instance, you want to hold her hand and build comfort and familiarity with touch.. (women do this btw when you tell a joke, they will playfully "hit" you; because they have a perfect "excuse" to, so they act on the moment).. you have to do this to.. instead of holding her hand.. google (palm reading) and tell her you know how to read palms.. and read her palm.. then let it go.. don't hold it too long, (if you make her feel uncomfortable by holding contact too long, she'll pull away, and you'll condition her to resist and pull away from your touch! not good!) instead, after you're done reading, even better if you're ALMOST done, just put her hand down or let it go and explain what it all means.. this way, you're creating (familiarity to your touch, comfort, and even longing to be touched again)..

[michelangelo]

about the touch.. how would you transition from, as you mentioned above, "incidental" touching to actually holding hands.. or get to the kissing part??

[GrkScorp]

about the touch.. how would you transition from, as you mentioned above, "incidental" touching to actually holding hands.. or get to the kissing part??

O.K.

I've beaten this expression to death; but guys don't seem to get it.. so i'll say it again.. "Men are practical creatures".. on top of that side of thier nature, they are made to survive, and survival instincts make them take HIS interests in mind, without instinctively thinking about the other person's interest/feelings/emotions.. (not to say that you can't make an effort to CONCIOUSLY think about how the other person feels, but your survival instincts are programmed so that you could care less about the other person and focus on that mountain lion that's about to bite your hand off)

So the mistake guys do is RUSH.. we've ALL been guilty of this in one point or an other in our lives.. We rush simply because we instinctively feel (hey, i'm attracted to her, i'm good-enough/more-than-good-enough for her, what's the point of playing these games or courting-BS, let's just hold hands, let's just kiss, let's just have sex) "See a Beautiful Mind & observe John Nash's interactions with women"..

In reality; you've just met, and she's culturally programmed with this media-driven notion of (I don't even know you; I don't know you well enough yet; we barely know eachother).. now, what's interesting to note is that she's NOT talking about TIME.. she's talking about comfort/familiarity/trust.. On average, it takes 5-10 minutes to build enough familiarity for touch, 3 hours for kissing, and 7-10 hours for sex (when you know what you're doing, and how to act)..

So, REMOVE/DELETE this notion/idea you have about what it means to hold hands, or touch her, or be playful, or kiss her.. because we're talking about someone NEW to you, which means (YOU'RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER!).. a person you're in a relationship with would be more comfortable holding your hand than someone who is not.. furthermore; if you're in a relationship.. SHE will actually kind of attack you in an effort to kiss you, NOT the case with someone NEW..

So for NEW women you meet, you need a "socially acceptable excuse".. you've seen this in movies; but it's wrong, although the "idea" is right.. (Wait! You have something in your eye..).. the idea is to create an excuse for contact; but in the movie example, it's TOO rough of a transition, TOO big of a jump, and would make alot of women uncomfortable..

Important: Women want YOU to lead & take control.. (with some very rare exceptions), women will NEVER kiss you, NEVER initiate sex for the first time, NEVER ask you to leave with them somewhere or go some place more quiet, etc.. and will NEVER make an excuse to touch you.. It's not that they are not interested in you; but women don't want to feel responsible for what will happen; they want it to be YOUR fault if things go wrong.. plus; they're lazy.. so it's YOUR job to make things happen, get creative, and make excuses..

Transition from NO touch, to touch:

- Play a game
- Put your hands out, and tell her "go like this"
- After she puts her hands out, hold her hands (the game should have some reason for you to be holding her hands; palm reading, magic trick, psychoanalysis, etc)
- As the game is about to end, or you feel you're OVERDOING it with the touch and it's making her uncomfortable or about to make her uncomfortable; let her hands go and throw them away.. (you DON'T want her to be HAPPY you stopped touching her; you want her to be UNHAPPY; you want her to be longing for your touch & be familiar with it.. so it's best to play a series of short/fun games/tricks that will do this)

Transition from touch, to intimate touching: (non-sexual)

- Transition from telling a story or talking about human-evolution/sexual-anatomy/psychology/etc into the secret pleasure centers of the body that are often neglected; but highly sensitive and erogenous..
- Start small and work up.. Put your hand out and show your fingers.. then ask her to put her hand out.. brush your hands along her fingers, "close your eyes.. do you feel that?" and then stop, let it go, turn away..
- Start talking about an other part (arms), explain why it's sensitive, what happens, show where you're talking about on your own arm, and then ask for her arm again.. erotically nibble on the skin on her inner elbow (take big chunks of skin and slowly move both sets of teeth side to side).. then let it go; you're NOT seducing her, just non-needingly demonstrating.. (this builds sexual tension, familiarity with touch, comfort & trust if you convey that you're non-needy and just demonstrating & quickly pulling away, and longing to be touched again)
- Keep talking about other secret parts until you transition to the lips..

Transition from intimate touching, to kissing:

- Continue with the previous transition, and start talking about "you'd be suprised how many people don't kiss during sex, but most people actually find kissing more enjoyable than sex, and that's because the lips, mouth, tongue.. blah blah blah.."
- (So far you've been demonstrating everything you've been talking about on her, part of the previous transition is that you first demonstrate on yourself, then tell her to give you her hand/arm/etc to demonstrate on her, but as you transition to other parts like the shoulders/neck, you don't use yourself anymore, and instead just go in to show her.. building familiarity/trust/comfort/ and sexual tension)
- You're going to be explaining it and looking at her, her eyes, then her lips, then her eyes again.. and pause and keep looking..
- (she's going to be anticipating a kiss in the back of her mind; and you're only teasing her and setting up the mood.. you've demonstrated everything else on her up to this point, it's only natural she feels the kiss comming along; so you've given her two chances to pull away 1. as you're explaining it, 2. as you pause and continue to gaze from eyes to mouth; if she doesn't pull away then..)
- Just move in to slowly kiss her (implying that your CONFIDENT she won't pull away, so there's no need to rush-in for the kiss).. don't think too much about it, don't take too long, don't chicken-logic this.. just DO it.. ACT.. don't think.. feel the vibe & emotions you've set up.. the cloud of romantic/sexual intoxication you've created, and just ride it.. there's no room for logic here..

Things to Notice:

- Every transition is smooth; there's never a "big move" you have to make, it's just a series of small innocent steps
- Every transition has a "social excuse".. you weren't trying to "hold hands", you were just playing a game.. she didn't "touch you", you just told a joke/made fun of her/embarassed her/tricked her/make her lose/any other EXCUSE that you provided her with so that she can "playfully hit" you.. you didn't lean in to kiss her arm, nibble on her neck, etc.. you were talking about something and wanted to SHOW her and demostrate.. and you didn't lean in to kiss her.. it just happened.. it "felt right"..
- You constantly convey (confidence, control, you are leading things, you are making things happen, you're not needy and not rushing, you're not creepy or sleezy or making awkward sexually suggestive body-language,voices, facial expressions)

[michelangelo]

great post, thanks!

[okapa]

"you'd be suprised how many people don't kiss during sex, but most people actually find kissing more enjoyable than sex, and that's because the lips, mouth, tongue.. blah blah blah.."

She just understood it all ^^