How to change attitudes

[all alone]

So I'm a guy who has just turned 19 years old, and haven't had much success with girls. Although this bothers me somewhat, it is much more complicated then that. I have other friends who are similar to me and don't have much luck, i got another buddy who bounces around and finds himself with a new girl almost every month and hasn't really had a little, although not much success that way. I have had a two situations with friends which i got the 'friend zone' when i talked to them about my feelings in the past 2-3 years, and those feelings dragged along longer then they should've (currently still have for the 2nd of the two).

No big deal right, i see people around me in similar situations down on their luck, i kno i need to be patient. Problem is i feel like i am running low on it and i have one real horrible fear in life. I'm afraid to be alone when I am older. Im just 19 i know, i know, but i can't help but feel this way. Within the past 4 or 5 months i have found myself getting depressed once a month or so, sometimes coming up during some drunken escapade (alcohol is a depressant after all) and also while completely sober.

To make matters worst, i feel horribly guilty when I do feel down because i know so much goes right for me. I mean i have awesome bunch of friends, i do great in school, ive had a great home life since i was young.. basically girls is the one area of my life that isn't good. When i break down i always ask myself how can i ask and expect so much in life?.. with all that I do have and i know sooooooooooo many others out there don't have half of what i do can i wish and hope for more?..

Its not nessesarily that i haven't had much luck with girls i've barely had any! I feel like no one is ever potentially interested in me, i've never been approached in that way, and i've never had a girlfriend (which i kno others haven't as well) just i keep telling myself to look ahead in maybe there will be better luck next yr, well 4-5 years of this has gotten me to loose hope and made my fear of remaining alone to grow on me.

I guess what i need to do is change my attitudes towards this stuff, i know i shouldn't think this way but I can't help it. I opened up to my mom the other week and she suggested i see a psychologist. I was reluctant at first but the other day after another breakdown i accepted but im supposed to see my family physician first in a month so won't be immediate help.

Iunno, if anyone has any advice or been a similar situation maybe some imput would be appreciated.. im just not sure what to believe anymore.

[bohemiandonut]

First of all try the search bar.

Secondly, and you may see some resistance to this response, but you need to unlearn everything you thought you knew about women. Basically, meeting girls is a cruel, evil game that God set up for us between rounds of torturing the Jews. Begin to envision yourself as a desirable man (here it comes), that is, a man who has high value in society. Adjust your reality to fit your new image. That is:

1. Improve your style (dump the baggy, ugly clothes)
2. Improve your body (hygiene and fitness)
3. Improve your attitude (stop being a guy who is desperate for female company. put yourself in this mindset: "I am not here to meet women, or even meet new people, I have all the friends in the world and just want to have an exciting night."
4. (and this is what I'm working on) Improve your (ahem) "game." That is, MEMORIZE some interesting things to say to women that don't make her feel like you want something from her. Fill in the blank:

"Hey, I need a female opinion on something... ____________?"

[Gigabitch]

It has nothing to do with luck. bodo's right- you have to make it happen.

[vashti]

Fear of being alone and seeking a meaningful relationship is normal for your age.

The problem is you lack confidence in talking to women, and you can't gain confidence without experience. Start asking girls out. They don't have to be your one true love. They can simply be a pleasant way to pass the time.

[Mathias]

On Vashti's point, some girls that are a pleasant way to pass your time end up being that one love.

It's not thunderbolts and pitter-patter. Real life doesn't work that way.

[Tedel]

Problem is i feel like i am running low on it and i have one real horrible fear in life.

Hi there,

You know? The line above made me laugh. I am 29, I haven't had any girlfriend for about 9 years and I'm not worried at all! You're 19 and you are?

Well, considering you're 19 and the fact I'm not any expert about women, let me give you a couple free tips:

First of all, women like the man to be the man of the situation, but be careful. This doesn't mean being a jerk or a chauvinist or one of those who just want to f*ck them. They want a man, but they want you.

Next, what women hate most is boring guys. Don't be one of them. Read a little, play a little, exercise a little... err... I think the word in English would be be a comprehensive man, not just a part. That will make you attractive.

Take it easy. Our world may have laws, but it doesn't have rules, only stereotypes. You will create your own reality as you go on with your life, and according to the decisions you make. Just be careful making good decisions, because you can never exchange two wrongs for a right.

My two cents...

[all alone]

haha alright every1 thanks for the imput, I realize most of the things that are being said but some are helpful.

[Kromat]

Before You even Commit, It's good to have female Friends that treat you as one, you can learn alot from them and the way they want to be treated.
I was in your situation too, I'm 24 and was even scared to start talking, because being rejected is the worse type of depression.
I decided to just not think About it & just approach women to start conversations, IF your rejected, forget them and move On.
As weird and true as it might seem, being rejected is sometimes a good motivator to just be yourself & have confdence, have a mindset that you came there to have fun.
Just recently I was at a Real Estate seminar and met a girl near afterwards because I was late and sat all the way in the back.
She had bought some info & told her that I came here because I'm gonna try this type of Work and see what happens.
She told me that If I Wanted that I photcopy her Notes and we could grab a coffee, so thoughtful of her.

p.s. Her name is also Anna, just like from my dance class.
She's very honest too, told me by e-mail that she's going to mexico next week, so I'll talk to her again after she comes back.
This girl has potential unlike the other Anna.

[GrkScorp]

Its not nessesarily that i haven't had much luck with girls i've barely had any! I feel like no one is ever potentially interested in me, i've never been approached in that way, and i've never had a girlfriend (which i kno others haven't as well) just i keep telling myself to look ahead in maybe there will be better luck next yr...

I guess what i need to do is change my attitudes towards this stuff

I'm going to be honest with you.. High School sucks.. and when you say that you're 19, and the past 4-5 years have been unsuccessful, that only means that first of all, only the past 2 years have been unsuccessful..

High School provides you with a reverse transition.. it's intense in terms of dating.. That's because it's a tribal environment.. There are only a handfull of girls who you would consider dating, some are taken, some are not.. But it's not a menu you can order from, (you can't go up to their father and say "Me Tarzan, me like Jane").. they have to be interested.. and in High School (thanks to cultural programming) this is fairly simple..

1. Leader of guys (leader of his group of guys)
2. Other women are interested in him
3. Part of a social circle she wants to be part of (Jocks, etc)
4. Socially "in-demand" (popular)
5. Socially intelligent
6. High Value Person (Not needy, desperate, pushy, creepy)
7. Unaffected by her actions (nothing is a big-deal)
8. Connection (Stories, moments, activities, etc)

All of this adds up, and you find that fairly quickly; there are only a small handfull of guys who fit into this category.. This spells out bad news for the rest of the guys who don't.. (Again, i'm talking about good-looking women; obviously, beta-females are attracted to beta-males).. there's good news though! Thoughout all of HS, females are conditioned to these dynamics more than men.. they are trained to respond to these cues, and it becomes in intergral part of their subconscious.. (they want that guy who they could never have back in HS, but is now better-looking, smarter, nicer, etc..)

Enough with the theory.. How do you CHANGE?

1. Eliminate BS limiting beliefs that you have towards women:

- Women only want a relationship (BS, plenty just want sex ONLY)
- Women don't think about sex (BS, they think about it MORE than you)
- Women don't want sex (BS, they want it MORE than you)
- Women don't go out looking for guys (BS, in fact, there's an ancient ritual that seperates women from girls; "make-up".. they start to wear it so innocently until they realize it makes them look more attractive from the "girls", and so it's a way to attract men.. if you see a woman dressed up, and with make-up and her hair & nails done; she's constantly and actively looking.. and it could be anywhere!)
- Women don't like to hear about my male sexuality (BS, your whole life you've been lied to.. girls like boys, but women love MEN, and MEN are not ashamed of their male NEEDS & WANTS, and not affraid to express them)
- Women will approach me if they like me (Not really; most women are "girls" on the inside, which means they will just sit there and think the same thing "I hope he comes over and approaches me".. when you don't make the move, she'll get frustrated and leave to save her ego.. and you'll both be alone.. You are the MAN, and you need to take on the Male role, which involves initiating the approach, taking control of the social situation, and taking the lead on things "including" the conversation)

2. October Man sequence yourself (i'll explain)

- We all have negative experiences in our lives, they all come from out past. When we think back on them, they make us feel dumb, ashamed, embarrassed, upset, etc.. This is because we ALLOW them to make us feel this way.
- What if I told you that you have the power to take these negative experiences, and IGNORE/DELETE the bad emotions they cause? What if I told you that you have the power to take those same experiences and get POSITIVE/GOOD emotions from them, LEARN from them?
- I want you to think back to all those hurtful, embarrassing, humiliating, "oh, I was such an idiot/loser I can't believe I did that" moments.. Think about 1-2 things you learned from them, how did they make you better as a person, what did you gain from them? If for nothing else, you at least know not to do what you did then, in the future! And that makes you better off!
- Carry a rubber band on your wrist; everytime you think back to a bad moment in your life (and it makes you feel BAD) pull on the rubber band and fling it on your wrist until it hurts (eventually, you'll condition your thought process to stop thinking about these thoughts in a negative light)

3. Be Yourself (Just Improve who you are!)

- You need to approach; (honestly, people love talking to new people, so any fear or awkwardness you feel is just in your head, it's not real).. but even after you approach, you'll find yourself (and the girl) asking; "why should I talk to this guy? what's so interesting?"
- You need to provide an answer to this question without DIRECTLY spelling it out.. Learn to use INDIRECT tools to convey how interesting you are.. (Stories, tricks, games, events you have to go to, your circle of friends, etc)
- Ask yourself who you are. What are your favorite things to do? Why? What are some impressive/exceptional things you've done? What are some things you're proud of doing? Where is your life going? Now, what are some stories that subtley incorporate these answers into them?

Example: So, what do you do?

Bad: I'm a CPA who's in his last year at Law School.

Good: Well, in HS I wanted to be ___ because I really liked ___.. but then I got to college and then ___ blah blah.. so after all that ___ happened, and I ___ .. so after that it made sense to apply to law school and study ___ .. and while in law school I wanted to do something that I loved but was good in.. that's when I found.. blah blah..

(This is good, because you allow your listener to CONNECT to aspects of your story, as you guide them through the journey of your life.. it's a much deeper experience than the BAD answer)

- Always have 5 interesting, 5 fun, 5 funny, and 2 sad stories to tell; 5 tricks to show, and 3-5 games to play.. Sounds like alot? It isn't.. and guess what.. it makes you fun, interesting, and funny.. people will want to be around you.. (Guys and Girls).. (hint: leader of guys, women like you, social in-demand, socially intelligent, High Value; you've already clicked 5 switches when you do this!)

Read some of my older posts on WHAT to do if you like; but I think you should be fine, no need to go to a psychologist and start to believe that you have some problem.. you don't.. you've just been lied to by television, movies, and your parents your whole life and have been romantically-programmed (which is great if you're in a relationship) but tragic if you're looking to initially attract someone..

[all alone]

yeah i understand what you mean, lot of good points. Thanks for the imput!