why can't she just tell me?

[ryan7]

hey guys,

i just have a problem and i couldnt work it out with my girlfriend.


well i have been seeing that girl for like 6 months. to me going out with her was a dream came true. i have always liked this girl infact after we had been together for awhile i told her that i love her and i really meant it and i still.

the problem is that she always say those words i hate the most and i quote " i am so sorry but i cant open my heart to anyone coz love hurts and i dont wanna get hurt what if i told you that i love you and after aweek we broke up."

what the hell is that. i say i loved her and she says that. and that was only a month after we have been togther.

i said to myself maybe she will come around maybe some day i will get the response i want and it is always the same tell i had it with her and i broke up with her.

i said man you gotta have some dignity u cant love her and she refuses to love you or anyone as she says. yeah,right. like you can control your feelings. i said to myself she doesnt love you but she doesnt wanna hurt you so i broke up with her after 3 months and i totaly tried to get my mind off her and i actualy did it.

but not for so long after amonth and a half she called me and said she wanna hang out and play it cool.

strange enough i just wanted to say { hell no bitch}.

but i couldnt i was just too glad to hear her voice again and i agreed and i said to myself oh man you are goin to get everything you have ever wanted and she must have fallen for me otherwise why did she call?

and i was so happy to see her and we were back together again and i thought every thing will be different but how. i am like a toy in her hand.

i explained to her very carefully at the beginning of our relationship that i am looking for something serious and i really think that i can make her happy all i just wanted to know how does she feel about me.

but she doesnt wanna tell me she always say that those fu**ing
words over and over again.

and i am goin crazy what the hell is she doing why did she call me again and she knows exactly what i want from her.

all i want guys is to know if she loves me or not or what the heck she feels about me is there any other way to find out.

after 6 months i deserve an answer dont you think

i will be appreciated so much if you can give me some advise.thanks.

[Mish]

" i am so sorry but i cant open my heart to anyone coz love hurts and i dont wanna get hurt what if i told you that i love you and after aweek we broke up."



but she doesnt wanna tell me she always say that those fu**ing
words over and over again.

and i am goin crazy what the hell is she doing why did she call me again and she knows exactly what i want from her.

all i want guys is to know if she loves me or not or what the heck she feels about me is there any other way to find out.

after 6 months i deserve an answer dont you think

i will be appreciated so much if you can give me some advise.thanks.

I'm sorry to hear that Ryan. I'd say she's either playing games with you or she has some serious baggage to not be able to open up after 6 months. Neither one of which is good. I would say you can use some tactics, try to knock down her value and raise your own so she can see you as a catch worth keeping and worth opening up to, but what's the point if her heart is not in it right?

Easiest thing is just seat her down and explain to her that what she tells you is not what you're looking for. If she doesn't trust you enough to open up to you then you will have to find someone else who will. Your love is not a toy for her to play with.

For the future my suggestion, is not to say "I love you" first. I've never said those words first to any girl i've ever been with even if I did love them. It's a woman's job to fall in love with you and ensnare you with her emotional attachment. Your job is to acknowledge this emotional ensnaring with an "I love you" in return. This is how it works for me anyway

[ryan7]

I'm sorry to hear that Ryan. I'd say she's either playing games with you or she has some serious baggage to not be able to open up after 6 months. Neither one of which is good. I would say you can use some tactics, try to knock down her value and raise your own so she can see you as a catch worth keeping and worth opening up to, but what's the point if her heart is not in it right?

Easiest thing is just seat her down and explain to her that what she tells you is not what you're looking for. If she doesn't trust you enough to open up to you then you will have to find someone else who will. Your love is not a toy for her to play with.

For the future my suggestion, is not to say "I love you" first. I've never said those words first to any girl i've ever been with even if I did love them. It's a woman's job to fall in love with you and ensnare you with her emotional attachment. Your job is to acknowledge this emotional ensnaring with an "I love you" in return. This is how it works for me anyway

thanks man. but the thing is i have already done that and she said " it is nothin personal. it is just the way i am."

i am too afraid of losing her.

do i have to tolerate with this and just have no expectations in this relationship.

is there any other way, thanks.

[GrkScorp]

i am too afraid of losing her.

do i have to tolerate with this and just have no expectations in this relationship.

is there any other way, thanks.

There you go.. that's why you allow yourself to tolerate this, day in and day out.. because you're "too afraid of losing her"

Why? Can you say with 100% certainty that she's the best woman in the world? Really? Is that what you said with the other two women you were engaged to?

The point is.. outside of "you and her".. there is a world of other women.. the numbers are not in your favor.. because there are a ton of whakos, nut jobs, control-freaks (cough), b*tches, nice girls, emotional wrecks, etc.. But when you filter through all that, you're going to find that sweet, respectful, secure, emotionally stable women are not that rare, they're just uncommon.. and they're also probably better and more attractive than who you're with right now..

As you start to realize that.. but before you're completely aware of that reality of the situation.. you'll start to really notice exactly where she stands among all of this..

During college, I worked in Real-Estate for two years.. we ran across a certain kind of seller every so often.. A seller that was desperate to sell.. He needed the money, and fast.. Either a divorce, medical urgency, financial trouble, etc.. Out of desperation, he was willing to accept any price that would come his way, even though his house was worth more.. he needed the money, fast.. Under normal conditions, he would have waited, and not tolerated a "below-market-value" price for his home.. So as an agent, it was our job to keep that information secret.. Never bring any attention to it.. If someone would ask "why is the seller selling?" we had to say.. "Just why you would sell I guess, to move somewhere else".. And so buyers would NEVER get the impression that they could take advantage of a desperate seller.. They would never grow comfortable with that idea, and start to toy with the seller by shooting low offers his way.. And just by keeping that information asymetric, as you would expect, the seller would end up getting slightly above average market price for his home..

Don't let that motivate you in any way to sell your home.. But there's much to learn from buyers and sellers..

If you're too afraid to lose her, chances are, she can feel it, she knows it to some degree or an other, and even worse; she has overestimated just how much that is.. So she's giving in to the urge to see just how much she can pull your strings.. (no, i'm not saying it's romantic, i'm not saying you would want to marry someone with these qualities about their character, i'm just saying that's what's going on)

What you should do.. is hire an agent! Seriously.. obviously, you can't litterally hire some other person to resolve this for you.. but what you can do is.. take as much time as you need to wash away and put those feelings of being afraid to lose her behind you.. now.. in the place of those feelings, hire an agent.. It's this agent's job to not tolerate her bullsh*t.. Negotiation lines:

- I've been engaged twice before.. and I know that things don't always work out between two people.. but that hasn't stopped me.. that hasn't put the breaks on my life.. in any way.. and the reason I asked you to move in with me.. is so we can spend some time together.. so I can get to know the person I think I want to spend the rest of my life with better..

- And when you said that, about not wanting to move in, without a ring.. I first thought that was sort of rude and classless, but i'm sure she didn't mean it that way.. but it was scarry.. it was like you were asking me to commit to something I wasn't sure about.. for the rest of my life, first, and then to find out if it was the right thing to do..

(She's going to raise the point of.. "but don't you love me, I thought you loved me, why are you waiting, etc..")

- Why is it so hard for you to understand and put aside your own feelings once in a while and just see things from how the other person is feeling? What do I know about you? Seriously.. How can I be sure? I can't be sure about anything.. Because it's one thing to see someone every so often, here and there, and it's something completely different to be living with them in the same house.. Because that's what the goal is.. But when you say things like that, when you make demands like that; aside from the fact that it's classless and rude, it also shows me that you're affraid of me finding out something that I don't like.. Something that would make me want to change my mind.. so you'd rather have the ring first, and then move in, rather than the other way around.. and to me, that just shoots up a red-flag..

(Let her justify it.. it's called sh*t-calling.. you normally don't do this with people you could care less about, but in her case, you want her to rid her mind of all the things she's trying to convince herself of.. and you want her to realize that there really is no reason for her to want a ring first.. but that's a realization she'll have to make on her own.. with the aid of your sh*t-calling.. if she fails to respond or doesn't want to respond, that also tells you valuable information, perhaps more information than if she would respond.. and it's not good information.. it means she's internally accepted the reality of your sh*t-calling, but doesn't want to externally accept it.. so will make an effort to now deny it, both to you, and again to herself)

Honestly, don't be affraid to lose her.. Make her feel, realize, and understand that with what she's doing, she's losing you, and you're not willing to tolerate it.. at all.. not the slightest bit.. That SHE is scarring YOU.. that SHE is going to lose YOU if she continues this way..

For extra fire-power: (In case of emergency)

- Do you know why I didn't get married to the other two people I was engaged to? (You can see where this is going).. Because their true colors came out when it came to marriage.. All they wanted was to get married wham-bam today, now, we should have been married yesterday! But all that showed me was just how much they cared about me.. and if they didn't want to show some understanding for my feelings now, then what could I expect after we were married? And what would I expect for when we have children? I knew exactly what they were doing.. Don't think I didn't know.. So I let them feel like they were being slick, just to see where they were going.. how far they would take it.. And they both tried to create situations to try and "trap" me into getting married with them.. Personally, call me old-fashioned, but I don't think that's a right reason to get married to someone, and if that's the mentality that person has, I don't think it's going to be a great marriage to be part of.. You don't need to force or push someone into marriage.. Because when they feel that it's the right thing to do, they won't be able to resist.. You'll have to almost tell them to slow down and come back to your speed.. And right now, I want us to get married.. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.. but I want to be sure that's how I feel when I wake up, when I go to sleep, when we're eating breakfast, when we're cooking dinner together, when we're taking out the trash, doing the dishes, kissing eachother, or arguing with eachother.. I want to know that you're the person I want to do all those things with for the rest of my life.. and I want what you want.. we both want that.. we both want the same thing.. and maybe you feel that way already.. but all I want, all i'm asking for.. is the chance to feel that way.. because I want to feel that way about you.. all the time.. I want to be ready to give you that ring, because I want to give you that ring, not because of any strings attached.. that's why I want you to move in with me.. but only if you want that too..

(Yes, yes, I know..)

Best,

GrkScorp

[Mish]

thanks man. but the thing is i have already done that and she said " it is nothin personal. it is just the way i am."

i am too afraid of losing her.

do i have to tolerate with this and just have no expectations in this relationship.

is there any other way, thanks.

You have to get past your fear of loss. You can't have something that you never really had anyway.