Can one hold back love?

**life_hard** · 29-03-08, 04:02 AM

Background - me 34 and him 40, dated for 5 months both professionals and very mature, he has been in the same small town for 10 years and went thru divorce in this town and dying to get out.

On our first date, he said he was applying to grad school, so I knew, but we liked each other a lot and just have fun in general and just date. One month into the relationship, I said we will deal with your grad school when the time comes but for now, we just date.

Fast forward March, boom, he got accepted and he is going and I am the first person he told the news to. We both cried and didn't know what to do. Few days later when we talked, he threw so many options out, but he didn't want long distance for sure but what should we do in the time being. I asked him if he loves me and in love and he said straight no. I pronounced the relationship dead on the scene.

Fast forward a week, i emailed him to say I miss him but since he doesn't love me, I am determined to get over him. Then he wrote back and said, he has a deep fondess for me, is it love? he can't tell. But he wants to spend time with me before he leaves this town that has so many bad memories for him, he wants to see me still and misses me, BUT if I require him to be in love, then he can't do it. I wrote back saying it's over, thank you for a good time, and it is very final, it was a nice email, no anger, no negatives, I deleted his phone # off my cell (which he knows), delete him off my IM buddy lists. I did all the right thing to get over him.

My question is, he knows he is moving away and he is dying to get out of this town, he said when we were breaking up - this town kills him he has to go and going to grad school let him start off clean and leave behind the 10 years of painful times here. But we liked each other a lot and still went ahead and date.

He said he has a deep fondness for me, what the f.... is that?. We would continue the relationship if the grad school thing didn't come up.

So, can men hold back their emotions and not fall for a women knowing that he needs to get out of this town and start life fresh?

Any insight would help? May be 5 months is not enough to tell how we can be life partners? Or we were never meant to be?

Few dialogues of us:

He said:
- "this town kills me but not you, just this town" - makes me think I am part of this town as well and he wants to leave me behind.

-I asked straightout, are you holding back feelings he said yes

-he said it is "easier" for him to say he doesn't love me when I asked him

-he said just past 2 weeks he stopped reaching out, may be cos the relationship reach a plateau? don't want to get attached? know he is going away? he said may be all of the above

-he said straight out he is not in love with me and very uncomfortable doing the long distance and said sorry this is not what I want to hear

-he said what if he meets someone he wants to date

-he cried a lot when I left the house

-he was angry when I pronounced the relationship dead and go cold turkey from every going so well to no contact, he didn't want to go cold turkey

-he said I cornered him by asking him if he loves me, one day is grad school acceptance and next day I corner him with the question

-he was so nice and cute to me before the grad school acceptance letter, caring and very into me

So what is going on? He is associating the town with me and wants to leave me behind? I am the happiest and healthiest relationship he has since his divorce, he has few short relationships but broke them off quickly

Any insights would help? I am moving on for sure, but I am posting to get answers so that I can move on further...

**vashti** · 29-03-08, 04:16 AM

This looks to me like a "you" problem. He told you he was leaving. I don't think it was wise to allow yourself to fall in love with someone you KNOW is moving away. It looks like he realized this, and refused to be drawn in.

Sorry. I know it sucks.

**bluesummer** · 29-03-08, 04:47 AM

Yep, what Vash said. He knew he was moving and likely held back feelings for you knowing this. It doesn't mean that your time together didn't make him feel close to you, or develop feelings of some kind. But if he really had this plan for his life and knew that it was going forward no matter what, he was probably not going to let himself 'fall in love'. He had bigger, more important plans for his life (and for that I give him kudos....not throwing away his goals for an early-stage relationship).

I think you need to let it go and move on. If it's meant to be, then maybe you guys will get together down the road.

**Gigabitch** · 29-03-08, 06:22 AM

Yes, I believe men DO have more control over how far they let themselves fall. Wouldn't that be a neat trick if you could do that too? Let me know if you figure out how, because I would love to have so much emotional control.

Learn from this. You cannot expect a man to be emotionally responsible for you. He actually believes he did everything he needed to do by telling you what his plans were and that any attachment you formed after that was done independently of him. This is actually "good guy" behavior, since it doesn't sound like he played you at all.

It sounds like your expectations may have been way out of line. You're the first relationship after the divorce, right? Yeah. You've got to watch out for that. That can really burn you. One of my girlfriends has had three of those. Don't be like her. Don't be the Rebound Clown again.

**Stampe** · 29-03-08, 06:28 AM

You have probably recieved some good advice already, i know bluesummer and vashti at least knows a little about it all.

But to fast forward and respond to your topic question; Yes, one can definitly hold back love. But of course there are always reasons to it. Can be many reasons to that, and i dont intend to write a repport on it, unless your really really really want to know ;-)

Just remember, as hitch said in the movie "hitch" about love; "Basic principles... there are none."