What to believe.

[dreams]

This is long.

I am at a 5 hour drive distance from my boyfriend of one and a half years; we met online before we met in person. The time that we knew each other before meeting each other was about six months. He was extremely attentive to the point of wanting to know the most minute details of my day, my feelings, my past, etc. We would talk for hours at night, laughing and having serious talks and discussions and what have you. I was thoroughly, deeply explored and never felt so understood in all my life.

I am a bit needy. (it's something that I'm aware of and work on -- but it is also something I take into consideration when it comes to choosing who I want to be with in my life.) His extreme attentiveness for the span of so many months was something that I really loved about him -- and I earnestly believed that it was him being him in a comfortable and natural state. It's not something that I forced on him or guilted him into doing. People should be themselves, and if it works, it works.

When we met each other for the first time -- think what you will of me, and yes, it does influence me -- we made love, and it was my first time. After that, I bonded to him even more, emotionally. My love was as strong as ever. We fit very well together in person; we enjoy the same things -- cooking together, watching movies, spending a day at the park. Throughout our relationship, our meetings have always been a lot of fun and arguement-free.

He would do very considerate things and remember very considerate and odd things -- like an obscure brand of apple juice that we discovered and that I liked. He would have a bottle for me every time after. He compliments me and makes me feel good about myself.

After our first meeting (and despite the pleasant nature of all the meetings that came after it) -- the attentiveness came to a sudden halt. Two hour conversations dwindled down to 30 minutes right before bed -- sometimes skipped a day of calling entirely; he began to stop noticing certain things and he also began to forget things. I do not expect him to be inhuman; the concern that I am expressing here is that it was a very, very distinctive change from a behavior that lasted for an unwavering span of months.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I waited for some time -- thinking perhaps he was just having a hard time at his job (mortgage can be a serious pain) -- thinking maybe he was just tired and needed some space. It did not go back to the way that it was. So I approached the topic tentatively - I described how things used to be and how they were now. I asked him if he could see what I meant, and I asked him if there was anything wrong, I asked him what prompted the change..

He told me that he loved me and loved talking to me and that absolutely nothing was wrong. He said that he just gets tired of the phone itself, not me. I told him that the communication was really important to me in between our meetings. It wasn't an attack. I waited to see how things panned out after that. It was a good talk, I felt.

Once again, nothing changed.

Some weeks later, I addressed it again. This time, he told me that before we met each other in person, he'd been afraid that we weren't going to meet each other and so he'd been behaving in an obsessed, unhealthy manner, worrying all of the time and trying to ensure things. He told me that he would never be that way again, because it wasn't good for him -- because he couldn't do it to himself.

I do not want him to hurt or do things that are unhealthy, and I feel very dirty for this mistrust that's lurking in my gut. We meet every month and have fun and I do whatever he pleases, because I love to please.

I know in my mind that the in-between time is just as important, though, and are two or even one and a half hour conversations really that bad on a nightly basis? Especially when I know that he goes home from work and plays games and watches movies and little else from 5 until midnight. I know the answer: it depends on the person.

If he is being completely honest and it's not disinterest, and he really is just tired of the phone -- and I actually, completely, utterly believed it in my heart and soul and mind -- I would be okay.

But since we are not right in each other's faces and I am separated from the ' happy cloud' of being right there, all the time, I look at things from a great distance. I see that he talked to me a great deal, scored, now does not talk to me as much or pay so much attention during the times of distance, and continues to have those benefits.

Anything can be made to look bad, though.

I am honestly at a loss. I haven't given up, but it weighs on me very heavily, and any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated -- even if you just think I'm being an idiot!

[Cain]

First, I'd like to say that I'm glad you found someone that makes you feel whole.. someone that you truly care for.

Long distance relationships are extremely difficult. There has to be more communication than in normal relationships, but I don't see any problem with him not wanting to spend 2 hours on the phone. I'm in an LDR and my SO and I talk on the phone randomly (little five minute calls) throughout the day and for about 30 minutes to an hour at night before bed. When you talk for two hours every night, or even more, you run out of things to say.

And of course the first few months are going to seem perfect. I deem the first 6-9 months of any relationship the honeymoon stage.. where everything is wonderful and both people do everything they can to make it seem that way. Things start to dwindle afterwards and only the strong relationships can make it out of that honeymoon stage in the same way they were throughout it.

If you're going to make it work, trust him when he says there's nothing wrong. You have to have complete trust to make this work.

[Gigabitch]

I totally agree with Cain, and you should listen to him- he's been there.

I've been there too, and I have to say that you might be asking too much about the phone calls. I'm absolutely crazy about my boyfriend, but I don't think I could talk to him on the phone that much. I couldn't talk to anyone on the phone that much, especially after talking on it all day at work, like I suspect your bf has to. Sometimes, yes, but sometimes I just can't.

I think he is just behaving like a normal person now, and it must be a disappointment to him that his normal self is not enough for you. His normal self, though, sounds pretty good to me. He sounds like a good person, and a sane person.

This is definitely a "you problem". You're clearly one of those people who is addicted to the honeymoon phase of relationships and feels cold about anything beyond high-gear romance. This isn't healthy, and it could ruin your chance of happiness if you don't get it under control.

Nobody has a relationship like the one you want. That would be unnatural. We all start off with a big burst of energy and then settle into a groove with our partner. I think you see this groove as a rut, but it isn't. You're just resisting the next stage in the development of your relationship, and it's unfortunate, because this is where the real bonding begins. You thought it was all that excitement at the beginning that was important, but what's really important is the trust and understanding you should be building now.

It's hard to do this, though, when you're five hours away. I assume you're still in school and that's why you didn't mention any plan for living closer to him. You can't sustain an LDR indefinitely without a plan. What's your plan?

[Cain]

It's hard to do this, though, when you're five hours away. I assume you're still in school and that's why you didn't mention any plan for living closer to him. You can't sustain an LDR indefinitely without a plan. What's your plan?

That's completely true. Do you know when you'll both be able to actually live closer together? I've realized that when you know when the next time you'll be able to see each other is, it makes things easier when you have to part ways after the visit. If you know when you'll both be able to live closer to each other, that will do the same thing... it will make it easier to get through the distance. I know that in less than a year me and my SO will be living together and it gives me something to look forward to and to count down.

[dreams]

The last time that we were together, he talked about moving in together next January at the latest. This has less to do with school and more to do with wanting a house over an apartment in an effort to avoid financial sinkholes.

This is something that's been postponed -- since last year, he was talking about us moving in together this year.

That's not something that I'm bitter or weird or pushy about, but I can definitely understand that a lot of my problems are stemming from insecurities/fears/wants that would likely be banished by day-to-day contact.

A certain time of moving together hasn't been made 'absolutely sure' to the point of extensive planning. It's been mentioned in passing and in earnest, more by him than by me.

I can even recognise dangerous trains of thought in myself. "He has time to talk to me. If he wanted to talk to me, though, he would be talking to me. That means that he does not want to talk to me."

Whenever we meet each other each month, my private upsets get banished and wiped away and I feel better again. When I go back home, the cycle repeats itself.

I feared that it might be a me problem. Here's to hoping that I'm able to help myself completely feel the trust that I know that he deserves. Either that, or keep myself quiet about it for a year, until I can be where I need to be, I guess. I do feel like I can talk to him about absolutely anything, but I do not want to make him feel guilty for something that's me being psycho.

[Gigabitch]

I think you need to start spending some time doing other things. Do you have any girlfriends you could go to the movies with or something? I get the feeling you're just sitting at home, waiting by the phone. Don't do that. It's bad for you.

[dreams]

I am kind of a shy person, and I am in a new place/location with a new job and stuff. You're probably right, anyway. My few long term friends that I have stuck with over the years are also now 'long distance' as well.

It will take time for me to develop new friendships, and in the meantime I guess I should be careful not to try to make my boyfriend single-handedly make up for a void that only multiple people can fill.

(Also, thank you.)

[Cain]

I can even recognise dangerous trains of thought in myself. "He has time to talk to me. If he wanted to talk to me, though, he would be talking to me. That means that he does not want to talk to me."

That is definitely a dangerous sign. You're basically thinking that if he isn't talking to you whenever he's not busy, then he doesn't want to talk to you. That's not the case, I'm sure. Everyone needs alone time. Couples that spend 24/7 together burn themselves out and start getting irritated with each other.