ADVICE PLEASE...story enclosed

[DharmicLove]

I had such low self-esteem as an adolescent, that a comparison between me now, and me then would seem impossible. I didnt love myself. I would question God - when I believed in God - like, "why did you make me like this? Why am I ugly and why do I have to be gay?"
I remember entering high school. I was 14 years old in the 9th grade. This was a time, indeed, where it seemed as if my luck was changing. I had a bunch of little girlfriends, of course, but straight guys would talk to me as if they accepted me for who I was and I was quite feminine at the age of 14. Even back in elementary school when I was called "faggot" and "sissie," I was quite a stylish individual. I think that being stylish and knowing how to wear clothes and capturing the essence of the clothing through self-perception allowed me to step outside of the mold. Yes, I may have been feminine, but my confidence level and style, provided me with an edge that other boys like me did not possess. And there were quite a few gay guys strolling around my high school at the time but none quite like me.
There was this one guy in particular to whom I secretly fell so deeply in love with. His style, his look, his masculinity and charisma were the things that drew me to him. I can vividly recall my first day of high school in which we had ELP, Economics, Legal and Political Sytem class together. He sat like right behind me and he said something to me and I turned around and I nearly melted as if the sunlight caught me out as a vampire. It was magical, and from then on I believed in love at first sight because undoubtedly I fell in love with him at first sight. He would secretly flirt with me and I did not know this at the time but me and him could have been together just as I had imagined. I would walk past him just so that he would speak to me, and he did and we would engage in many a conversations with each other. If there was any "straight" guy who accepted me for who I was it was him. And as mentioned earlier, as feminine as I was, for him to accept me as I was made me love him more.
And so against all odds we actually became quite close. I think that the relationship we endured was that we probably felt the same way about each other. I would see him talking to girls and become so mad and jealous because in my eyes he was my man, whether he knew or not how deeply in love I was with him.
By the time 10th grade rolled around, my high school was undergoing renovations and therefore we had to temporarily relocate to another school just until renovations were complete. And at this time we had become even closer. We bought each other food and he would bring me weed to school for free and it was just lovely. My only complaint at the time was that I really wanted to be with him but I didnt know how to go about approaching him. I didnt want to mess up what we had so I just kept my silence, because truly I was satisfied for just being acquainted with the man I loved.
I went through a dramatic transition over the summer of 10th grade, to being in the eleventh grade. I had therefore dropped my soft, sweet, feminine persona and traded for a more masculine type of persona. Truly, during this transition, all I could think of was him. Thinking of how much he was going to be proud of me and embrace me. It turned out to be the complete and utter opposite. It back fired on me. In retrospect, I realize now that he loved me for who I was. He did not like the dramatic and abrupt change and if I could go back and change anything that happened in the past it would be that. I would not attemp to change any aspect of myself just to impress someone. That was my downfall, changing my persona, because afterwhich things would never be the same. He started to treat me differently as compared to just one year prior. It seems as if he put a wall up between us. I hated him for that but I was still in love with him. And I'm still in love with him to this very day. One of the most horrible things happened during that school year. I was forced to change schools. And when I changed schools I was left with a negative impression of him. But I never stopped loving him. And I didnt know why he treated me as such at the time but now I know; he pointed me to myself. I have seen him numerous occasions since we left high school and everytime we see eachother we immediately acknowledge eachother's presence. We know what we had. I like to think that maybe there lies a chance that we could be together in the future. He's not as attractive as he was, or as I remember, but just the mere fact that I love him is enough for me to want to be with him.
I just wish there was a way in which I could confess my love to him. My thanks, my gratititude. I want to let him know that he made me into the person I am. That because of him I know who I am and I love the person I discovered in the process. He was the one who made it clear to me that it was okay to be myself. And though the message he taught me was subliminal, one that it took 8 years for me to recognize, the point is I finally recognized. This man is one of my soul mates. I want him to know that he impacted my life like no one else I had ever came into contact with. If it wasnt for my dramatic transition, he would not have treated me badly because of it, and if he would not have treated me ever so badly, I would still be lost. But because these things occured, I was able to find myself and I was able to perceive the hidden messages underlying our relationship, even if it took me nearly 8 years to gain this insight. Lately ive been crying and longing for him, which is weird. What should i do???

[vashti]

It sounds like he was merely nice to you. Is it possibe you've blown this into a bigger deal than it should be?

[DharmicLove]

I know I didnt blow this into a big deal. I know I LOVE HIM and that our relationship was special though not romantic. I feel like the feelings could be mutual. I want so badly to tell him but I dont want to mess up what we already established. I mean what else could explain our eyes lighting up when we see each other, and not wanting to depart from eachother's presence. And most of all, through him, I found myself. There are bits and pieces of him within me. Why do I still love him after all these years have passed, even when i have met and fell in love with another guy and had a 4 year relationship with him? Even the love i feel for him is more significant and unconditional than the one I actually had a happy relationship with. I need more help.

[Lozenger]

Well, the way I see it, it already sounds like there's a bit of chemistry.
So, you could either, not tell him and so if he does feel the same way, you not telling him would prevent a relationship from happening whereby you could be so much happier OR if you do tell him, it could either turn to a relationship or remain as it is.

The thing is, if you don't tell him - will these thoughts eat away at you? You don't want to go a few years down the line and then tell him, and then realise that you could have had a few more years with him romantically - if you get what I mean?

So, do what you think is best - don't be afraid of ruining what you have because you don't know for sure that that will happen

Good Luck!

X

[Gigabitch]

It sounds to me like you're very good at seeing the bright side of a situation. Many people would hate him, not love him. You're making a good thing out of it.

I don't know what to tell you about the longing for him. I'm sure you already know that you have to get on with your life, look forward and not back, all that stuff. Maybe what you miss so much is the connection, not necessarily the guy. You've shown that you're capable of connecting like this. All you need to do is find the right guy.

I think you know he's not it. If he were, you'd be together. He's not the one.

[Mish]

My thanks, my gratititude. I want to let him know that he made me into the person I am. That because of him I know who I am and I love the person I discovered in the process. He was the one who made it clear to me that it was okay to be myself.

I just wanted to say that there's absolutely nothing wrong with approaching him and letting him know the above. As a friend you can always appraoch him and let him know that he played a positive and important part in your life back at High School and you are thankful for it. I think he will probably appreciate that. I'm not quite sure if you can expect anything out of this, but how about you leave your expectations aside and just tell him your gratititude?