What do you think

[emopanda]

So quick background on my situation: dating a guy for 4 years...broke up/got back together a couple times....we used to be really open in the beginning (sharing emails, myspace, etc)....but now he's totally secretive about everything.

So yeah, basically we broke up in January because I had found like the titles, dates, and times of all these porns he downloaded (he only reason porn bugs me btw, is because he actually to my face said he preferred porn to sex because sex doesn't do anything emotionally for him...-_-)...so he got in this huge fit about how I never give him privacy. We got back together, but it's been bugging me because I know he hides stuff behind my back.

Flash forward to now...he talks in his sleep. It's hilarious. I remember hearing if you talk to someone that talks in their sleep they'll tell you anything. It's really true. I actually talked him into giving me his email password...which was the same as his password for everything else.

1) On his myspace, I found this girl he met in the last place we lived that he was giving stuff to (headphones, prolly buying food). I've never met her or heard of her, but she looks like the kind of girl he always hits on. It wouldn't e horrible if wasn't notorious for not telling girls he has a girlfriend.

2) Looking through his emails, I saw that he signed up for match.com while we were still dating. He also signed up for some video chat thing and had some girls on there too.

3) Just a week after we broke up, he was already responding to personal adds on craigslist saying he loved to party and that kinda crap (he never partied with me..) and how he messaged a bunch of girls about how they should hang out.

4) Yay porn passwords. You know why this bothers me.

He says he hides things from me because I freak out over everything. I may...MAY be ok with the porn thing....I know guys can't help but watch porn. It's just messed up that I know he'd RATHER watch porn. But the other stuff...the messaging girls...the match.com...the whole flirting thing I'm not ok with. I personally don't think that you should have to hide anything in a relationship because everyone I've been in before we were always completely open. I think my boyfriend is the only person I shouldn't have to hide anything from.

So I'm gonna tell him what I found. I'm wondering....

Am I wrong for being so pissed about what I found. Is it wrong of me to have looked in the first place?

What do you think.

[misombra]

i wouldn't even deal with it. this guy would be put out on my curb.

[vashti]

I'm wondering why you want to stay with someone who obviously is not meeting your needs? Why argue, break up, get back together, etc., just to do it all over again a little later? You guys are not a match. It's really that simple. Your problems will continue on as they are because you aren't a match.

[Lozenger]

i wouldn't even deal with it. this guy would be put out on my curb.

He wouldn't even go on my curb - I'd catapult him to the other side of the planet!!

Do it now before he ruins your life with lies, cheating and all that jazz.

You can do better and find someone who actually appreciates you for who you are and someone who would never want you any different.


X

[emopanda]

Yeah it gets even better...he'll lie and then pretend that it's my fault or that it never happened even though I caught him. I dunno why I try...I have no clue why i love him either. I think I need therapy.

Here's the rest of what's wrong..I had posted it on another forum and they pretty much said the same thing... I just mainly wanted to know if I was right for snooping through his stuff lol

Ok, so the background on my situation is that I've been dating this guy for about 3.5 years. In that time we've broken up and gotten back together a couple times and just recently got back together a month and a half ago. My main problem is that we never resolve anything because he never puts up the effort and makes me feel like I'm the one that's in the wrong in every situation. I love him very much and I care for him more than anything in the world, but I'm so depressed all the time. Mind you, I've had other long term relationships before...one that lasted 3 years and one that lasted 1.5 years and when I broke up with them, I got over it with ease. However, when I break up with my current guy, I get so depressed and I can't get over it...thinking that maybe I really am a * * * * * or am a horrible person or something. Here are the main things that bother me about our relationship (I'll try to keep it coherent, but I know that might not be possible...):

-He's not the most motivated of people. When I say this, I mean that in the entire time that we've been dating, he's only really held a job for half of it, and they haven't been the greatest jobs. Why this bothers me is that we've lived together for about 2.5 years, so it pretty much leaves me stuck with all the bills and food and whatnot. I'm the exact opposite of him in that I've worked pretty much nonstop since I was 16 (I'm 25) and I put myself through school to get an engineering degree. On top of him just not even putting forth the effort to find a job, he'll * * * * * about how I "don't know how to have fun" and that I'm so serious all the time. He also says he has the rest of his life to work and he doesn't want to be stuck in a job that he hates like I hated my job. It blows my mind really. He's just now trying to go back to school and get a job, which is fine and I'll help him in any way, but it still sucked the last couple years pretty much being his mom.

-I know this topic is done to death, but I really f'in hate him watching porn. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against porn if he watches it with me, but I don't see the reason in needing to watch it constantly if you live with your girlfriend. This isn't the main reason this bothers me though. The main issue I have with him and his porn is that he actually, to my face, told me that he prefers porn over sex because sex doesn't do anything emotional for him and that porn gives him a different feeling than sex. Well, my thought is, what the hell else is sex between two people in a relationship if it's not emotional? How's that for a self esteem ripper. What blew me away was that we would have sex, and then afterwards he would go and watch porn. So I did the typical girl thing and told my friends about the situation. Long story short, his mom found out and * * * * * ed him about it. So since then (this was a little over 2 years ago), he's been telling me, to my face, that he doesn't watch porn anymore. Ok fine. I'll gave him the benefit of the doubt. One day I just happened to be on this forum where we can download games and stuff for the PSP and under his SN I saw the times, dates, and titles of every single porn he DL'ed for his PSP and the comments he left for everyone one of them. It didn't so much bother me that he DL'ed the porn, but it bothered me that he lied to my face for almost 2 years about it.

-That brings me to the whole lying issue. I feel like he lies to me about everything. We used to be pretty open in our relationship and we never kept secrets from each other...like we would read each other emails, myspace, etc. because there was nothing to hide. Now it's a little bit of a different story. He can't even stand it when I look over his shoulder when he's on the computer. I gave him full access to my myspace, email etc and he refuses to even really tell me what's in his. He said that he hated how he never had privacy with me and that he keeps secrets from me because he thinks I flip out irrationally about everything. Well yeah, obviously if he's doing things behind my back that he knows hurts me, when I find out it pisses me off royally. For instance, the last time we broke up (was like January), I wasn't on his myspace and I kept asking him why he wouldn't add me back. He said that he wanted to "establish his profile" or some BS. So after like 3 weeks of wondering what the hell was so sacred on his myspace, I found some code loop that let me see who all his friends were and the pictures he had up (it sounds stalkerish I know, but mind you this is a guy that I was horribly in love with and I just wanted to know what was going on). So yeah I saw that the vast majority of friends he had on his myspace were these 19 year old * * * * ty looking girls that all lived in his area. I asked him about it and he said that they were his friend's girlfriends, even though most of the girls listed on their profiles that they were "single." I guess he ended up going to parties and crap with these people, but he would totally lie to me and say that he was just drinking with his guy friends. There were a couple times I would hear girls in the background and he would say he was outside and there were chicks across the street being stupid or something. Then I saw that he had one of his ex's on there, but he would always freak the hell out when any one of my ex's even messages me on there. The point is, if he can so easily lie about these things, then I have no idea what else he's lying about. Like I'd be almost afraid to see anything on his myspace or his email because I know it would break my heart even more to see what he was really up to.

-We never resolve anything ever. I keep saying this every single time we fight too. Every argument we get in he'll either just never say anything, or he'll make me feel like it's my fault and I back down. Like the whole f'in commando hyper secretive thing...he said that we'll never resolve anything because I yell at him about it all the time. Well that's great...maybe you can tell me what the hell you do behind my back and it won't be an issue. He says that I can never forget the past, but I think the fact that it's all constantly ongoing (yeah, I've pretty much been pissed over the same damn things for 3.5 years)...and even then, 2 months wasn't that long ago. He's like "well my friends never argue blah blah." And I'm like "well, your friend has a steady job, he treats his wife like a princess (I can't remember the last damn thing he's done for me....we havent' done anything for our last 2 anniversaries and he totally didnt' do anything for valentines day even though I had this whole ridiculous spectacle planned for him)...oh yeah, and he doesn't keep secrets from her constantly like you do with me."

-I think the real kicker was what he said when we broke up. I remember when we started dating he told me about this girl when he was like 15 or some crap that he was in love with, but never told her how he felt because she ran away (ok I'm sorry, but running away is just a step below suicide on the selfishness meter, and seeing how she was probably only like 15 as well, I have no doubt that she has sold her body in the street in some way and probably never finished high school...what a f****ing winner). Anyways, to make a long story short, he said that he still dreams about her and gets really depressed when he does. He said he's tried to look for her and he wouldn't know what to do if he ever found her (yeah I'm sure he would leave me for this skeazy * * * * * ...sorry I'm so angry). But what really, really got me was when he said that he's pretty much lost all emotion because of her and he'll never ever really be able to give himself 100% emotionally to anyone. Wow, thanks for reminding me that I can't even be second in your book now...she's first, porn is second, and I'm third. The thing I hate the most is that he can to my face tell me that he loves me but I know he thinks about someone else.

There is so much more I can * * * * * about, but I think that's it for the moment. I'm tired.

So can anyone tell me if there's something wrong with me...I mean I think I'm attractive (I've never had a problem finding a guy..ever), I'm really smart (I'm working on my second Bachelor's degree and am probably going to do a Masters next year), I'm motivated and polite and caring and parents love me. I've never ever lied to him about anything. I mean I get pissed at him a lot, but how can I not get pissed in those situations...or perhaps am I being irrational. I don't know.

What to do...what to do.

[vashti]

Was it wrong to snoop? Yes. It is even worse to tolerate a guy you can't trust.

I think YOU are the bigger problem than he is. He is only doing what you allow him to get away with.