What to do?

[Sebastian]

Alright, here is my story.

A couple of years ago a girl came into my life. However, for at year and a half I did not notice her that much, maybe because I was focused on another girl, but about a year and a half ago I started to have a closer relationship with the girl. With closer relationship, I mean joking around, teasing each other, maybe flirting… and as time has gone by, our relationship has become more intense by which I mean that we have opened more up to each other – still just as friends. We have never touched, just shaken hands. My feelings for her have also grown, and as time passes by, I feel more for her, and when I´m not doing anything, I keep thinking of her. She is the last thing I think about when I go to sleep, sometimes she´s even in my dreams.

I have tried to deny having feelings for her, trying to convince myself, but nothing has helped – I do have feelings for her. Also for every time I see her, the more beautiful I think she is, and I am exited every time I am going to see her. Now, I said that we liked to tease each other, and am not sure what to think of that, if the teasing is just friendly or if it’s flirting. She is much alike with others, the teasing way, but perhaps we are flirting also, I know I am, and maybe I subconsciously hope that she will pick up the signs. And I also feel jealous when she is giving attention to other guys instead of me, a feeling I have never experienced before.

I feel that there is more in her look, but I am not sure, and I cannot take the chance on her – things would be to strange afterwards, if she does not feel the same way. Somehow I hope that she will make the first move – but perhaps she feels the same way about this as I do?

We wave at each other at a special way, and smile also. If she is teasing with me, she will break my heart. But I am also teasing her. So sometimes I try to play hard to get, I am the prize etc, but that does not help my hurting heart.

Here is what I at one time wrote about her in my journal:

After not seeing her in the last three weeks I kind of missed her, and was happy to see her wink today. She´s cute, and I couldn´t really concentrate because of her today, just couldn´t stop smiling, silly isn´t it .I really had to pinch myself to concentrate – strange how a girl can make you feel this way.I have also talked to her alone, and it was nice. I enjoy spending time with her, and she is very easy to talk to.

The other night I was talking to one of my friends and he told me that he had spent some time (a few hours) with her talking, and here is what I wrote in my journal that night:

My heart got broken tonight, and I have experienced feelings I never thought possible. (…) He told me that he had talked to ? for ? hours. I felt my heart break, who knew, that’s the first time I have experienced that – or at least to such a degree. I couldn’t hear more, so I had to interrupt him by telling him about a stupid thing, all along my heart being in half. (…) all I know was that I was shaking, wanted to cry - experienced feeling of sadness and heartache.

She brings up every emotion up in me, from depression to extreme joy, she is playing with my heart without even knowing it.

I am a bit older than her, and when looking at our current relationship with friends and all, it would be very strange for our surroundings if we got together, at least at first, but that does not really matter does it? I don’t even know if she has a boyfriend. I am afraid of getting hurt, but I am hurting right now too. I hope she doesn’t tear my heart apart.

I also feel like I am looking for a reason not to engage with her - what is that all about?

Despite being in my mid twenties, I have never kissed or been with a girl. Why? My personality and the people surrounding me – or it never
really came up, or I never took the chance?

What should I do? Can I hint her in a non-creepy way?

I hope she does not ending up being another “I wonder what could have been”. Please help, because I’m not feeling that good at the moment. Also the more time goes on; the chances are that another bloke will take the chance, I am not willing to.

There are a lot of beautiful girls out there, but I perhaps I just want her…

I wish I could just take her aside and kiss her… but that’s not going to happen.

That was the “short” version of it.

What do you think guys and girls? Do I sound in love or in doubt?

Regards,
Sebastian

[Gigabitch]

Dude. If you've made it this far without ever getting close with a girl, this is serious. Here's the big problem:

What should I do? Can I hint her in a non-creepy way?

No, no, no. No hints. When girls see hinting, they often conclude that they're dealing with a eunuch. That's not attractive. I'm not saying you have to beat your hairy chest and drag her back to your cave by her hair, but if you don't have the nerve to express your interest clearly, you're going to be the 40-year-old virgin.

What is the worst possible thing that could happen? She could reject you, and that would mean what?

That you wouldn't be with her.

Which is exactly where you are now.

So you have nothing to lose.

So go get her, tiger. You're too old to be waffling around like an eighth-grader.

[Sebastian]

Thanks for the honest answer, however…
With hinting, I mean very delicate ones, like the way I behave around her, the way I talk to her etc. That was what I meant – do you still want to give me the same reply - I just want to make sure.
The worst possible thing is that I come on to soon, and blow it– but should I be worried about that?
About what you said about the cave-man theory, you´re right. The more secure I am around her, the more interested she actually is, but still, see the above.
So you say that I should tell her how I feel. Ok, how should I proceed doing that? Any recommendations?

[Gigabitch]

The worst possible thing is that I come on to soon, and blow it– but should I be worried about that?

You should be more worried about getting stuck in the Friend Zone, Sebastian. You've known her for years. You are not going to come on too soon, but it could be a question of coming on too late. If she gets that "smooth in the front, Ken-doll" feeling about you, you've ceased to be a contender for her affections. You might as well be wallpaper at that point.

Let's talk more about why it is that this is the first time you might even approach a girl. Were you raised in a very religious environment? Were your parents weird? What's the deal?

[Sebastian]

I was neither raised in a very religious environment and my parent were/are not weird.
The thing is that it never really came up. Looking back now, I have always been occupied with other stuff. Not that girls didn´t interest me, but I was always busy with other stuff and I didn´t pay that much attention to it. Plus no one really seemed interested. I could talk to girls, but they would more or less consider me as a friend.
My confidence with girls has improved over the years, but the ones I came into contact with were ones I was not interested in. There was this one girl, but we only had a couple of classes together over a period of 6 months, so I never really got the chance with her.
Well, that is about it.

[Stirfry]

You have so much emotion invested in this girl. Maybe just try relaxing a little... ease up on the flirting games, stop overanalyzing. if you don't know how she feels about you, take some steps so that she can learn more about you. Your inexperience makes you doubtful, but don't worry so much Don't think too much about it, be practical. Ask her out on a casual date. Lets the pieces fall where they will.

[Sebastian]

Hi guys,
Here is a little update on what has happened, since I wrote the post.
I got her number on 30 April through an e-mail, and wrote her, that since I had taken her number, she could as well have mine.
I texted her on Wednesday evening, and we texted for about an hour and half, then again Friday evening again about an hour and half, Sunday she texted me, and we only texted for 10 minutes because I had to go out, and again for 30 minutes the day before yesterday.
All that is fine, but now I wonder if I have been too pushy in the messages or if I have flirting too much, and if this is making her nervous or uncomfortable:
For example:
She wrote that she knew a lot about sports, to which I replied that “cool, you are my kind of girl”.
And a couple sentences like that, also
On Wednesday the last thing I wrote to her was that she could always write me, and not just work related. She said thanks and that she would remember that and that it was nice to have somebody to come to in cause of any problems.
What did she make of that?
On the other hand, I have not received any direct messages from her, they have been more friendly than romantic, and I can´t really get a good reading on her. We worked together yesterday, and the mood was kind of weird, from me and from her. We still had some fun, but it was as if it was not the same as a week ago. What is she thinking? I wish I could get inside her head and read her mind!
Plus I don’t want to scare her away, so I am thinking of giving her some room.
You guys say I should ask her out, but that could ruin it for me completely, if I ask her too soon.
What do you think?
Regards,
Sebastian

[Gigabitch]

Excuses, excuses. You're just scared. There's nothing wrong with that, but the sooner you face it, the sooner you can get past it.

Guys like you want a sure thing. They want to know that if they ask a girl out, there is no way she will turn them down so they're not risking anything. Sebastian, it's worth the risk. Take the risk.

[Sebastian]

Hi guys,
Here is another update:
Last Wednesday, actually almost three weeks ago, a good friend of mine told me that he had something to tell me. He told me that she (the girl in case) had asked his younger brother what my messages had meant, if I had meant anything or if I had had been joking. He replied that he didn’t know, so my friend picked up the conversation with her another day.
She told him, as he is telling me, that she thought that the age difference was too big (I´m by the way 24, she is 18), that I was far more ahead in life than she (I´m finishing college, she will be finishing high school next year), and that she didn´t think that we would work out, and also that it would be strange if we as colleagues would be going out (is this BS or what?)
We were out when he told me this, and couldn’t fall asleep till 5 a.m. that morning just thinking about the situation (I haven’t had much peace of heart since).
Then, this Friday I talked to my friend’s younger brother, and he told me the same as the abovementioned, and also that she had asked him to be with her three or four months ago – I mean, what the ****, how did this make me feel, not as bad as I thought but it made me think, if she asked him, there is no way she was interested in me back then, right?
So anyway, I wrote her the Monday two weeks ago, that I wanted to meet her, and talk about, among the other things, the messages I had written her? I did this because I couldn’t stop thinking about her, or functioning that well in general. She replied:
I can´t today, I have plans. But I know about those messages, that you didn’t mean anything, and I am the one who has overreacted, which I am so sorry for.
This left me numb – what the hell do I answer? I answered:
What do you mean by overreacted? I am not mad at you, It´s not that at all.
She answered:
Nothing. But, what is it then?
My reply:
What if I told you that you hadn´t misunderstood the messages?
Her reply:
I´m flattered, but I have a boyfriend (my friend says she doesn’t).
My reply:
Don’t you want to meet and talk, I don’t feel that this can be handled through these short messages?
Her:
Sure, we can do that, by I am busy all week, so it can´t be right away?
Me:
We can also meet before noon, I am quite flexible. On one side, I don’t want to pressure you, but on the other side, I would like to clean the air between us and put all the cards on the table as soon as possible. I know that you are probably are nervous, I am too, and that you would probably be the meeting without, but the only thing I expect is that you are honest with me, like I will be with you.
Her:
I can’t either before noon. I have x-ray, a meeting about the Italy trip etc. By I can see that the air needs to be cleaned between us, but I just don’t have the time this week.
Me:
That´s fine, if you don’t have time, you don’t have time, and should you feel you have time and energy just write. We´ll see each other next week then. Take care.
Her:
Thanks, you too.
So then we had work together two days later – she walks in looking down at the floor, angry at something/one – me perhaps, and I wanted to say hi, but the words just wouldn’t come out, so we didn’t speak two words. This left me feeling horrible.
The following day me friend called me and said that she was angry at me for not even saying hi to her, but how could I, when she was acting the way she was.
Feeling bad I wrote her this message later that night:
Hi ?, I feel that I owe you an apology for the bad mood yesterday. It´s not that I was mad at you, but I have just become a bit nervous around you, and I felt that you were mad at me, so I didn’t even dare talk to you, and am sorry for that. I am telling you this so you don’t think “what an idiot” about me.
She sent a message to my friend, whom I was sitting with, about if she could allow herself to answer in a harsh tone?
Anyway, she replied:
I don’t know how to be around you, when I know how you feel, and I don’t feel the same way. So things get awkward but I guess that’s just how it is.
My reply:
I am sorry for the situation, which I have brought us in, but I can´t help feeling the way I feel. I thought we had a great relationship before, which I have missed and which I would hate to lose, because I really care a lot for you. That’s why I would still like to meet with you and talk things over, I can write you next week and we can figure something out.
Her reply, the next morning:
Sure, it’s weird, but you can´t just expect things just to be as before. I don’t have the time or energy to meet the next couple of weeks.
My reply: I know that things can´t get back to how they were right away. I will leave you alone.
Her reply: Okay thanks.
The same day at work we passed each other without looking at each other. She looked sad.
So we haven’t seen each other in 10 days now. My friend tells me that she has been grumpy, irritated, “aggressive”, having trouble sleeping at night and every time he mentions my name, she freezes up, and doesn’t want to talk about it (she has some work with him, so that’s why he sees her a lot).
But why, why is she acting the way she is? Why is she being so cold? Is she mad at me? She says that she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings but what does she think she is doing now? I would just be so much easier if she told me, face-to-face, look you are a nice guy, but I don’t feel the way I feel, but I would like us still to be friends – is that so difficult for her?
I have felt awful about the whole situation, and still do, and am having the worst time in my life, so I felt like sharing with you.
Sincerely,
Sebastian

[Sebastian]

Today, my friend phoned me, because he had been talking to her today…
He told me she was feeling very bad about the situation, and she was sorry about how she had reacted. She even told him that she had spent a night crying about it. She had overreacted towards me, but she said she didn’t know how to be around me, she was afraid to give a smile or act a certain way… She told him that she had wanted me to react to her and talk to her, but how could I, when she told me that she didn’t want to meet with me… And was my response, that I would leave her alone a stupid one?
This new update made me feel a bit better, and a whole lot worse. Better because I can understand her, worse because she is such an amazing girl, and the chances of a romance between us are very small. Ah, what I wouldn’t give to be with her, but on the other hand I would just love to have her in my life…

[Cain]

You can never be just friends with this girl... and you need to realize that. Once you develop feelings for someone as deep as yours supposedly are, friendships won't work. She has said that there is no chance you two will be together, so you need to move on. You'll always look at her a certain way... and that's not as a friend... and the first time she starts dating someone else, you're going to be jealous. Dating people in the workplace is extremely bad in my opinion... for this very reason. She doesn't know how to react around you because she doesn't want you to get the wrong impression.