How to get out...?

[twisted]

...without hurting him? We've been together 4 years and I'm 26 but now I really feel like I need to be on my own. I have reconsidered a lot of things lately regarding my life and I think I want my freedom. Things just aren't progressing. Our issues have been the same for years. The thing is he is still mad in love and really wouldn't expect for me to want to end it. He would be devastated. I really don't want to hurt him.

We also live together and have bought things together, some quite expensive. I don't know how we could go about dividing stuff up and such. It is all so unpleasant that I fear even thinking about it.

I need your practical advice....anyone who`s been through it...

thank you

[someonelse]

not possible to get out w/o hurt

[Mish]

...without hurting him? We've been together 4 years and I'm 26 but now I really feel like I need to be on my own. I have reconsidered a lot of things lately regarding my life and I think I want my freedom. Things just aren't progressing. Our issues have been the same for years. The thing is he is still mad in love and really wouldn't expect for me to want to end it. He would be devastated. I really don't want to hurt him.

First up, if you don't want to hurt him, if you are seriously concerned about his happiness then you are not going to leave him. You will continue working on the issues until they are resolved. Anything other than that and a part of you does want to hurt him and will hurt him. I think it's rather selfish to be in a long term relationship and then one day decide that your freedom is more important to you and you've been basically stringing this person along for 4 years if you ask me. You have to ask yourself why you think your partner deserves a treatment like that from you? If you want to leave your long term relationship, leave because there are serious issues in the relationship and he's at least equally at fault as you if not more, you are unhappy and you have tried everything (including counseling), but nothing is working out.

[vashti]

I agree with someoneelse... It can't be done painlessly. The goal should be to minimize the pain where possible. This means if he really loves the boat, for example, that you bought together, let him have it, and take something else.

I support your decision to leave, though. You have every right to not be stuck. You aren't married yet.

[twisted]

I just don't want to end up "stuck" like Vash said, and realize in 20 years that I've been with someone all along for "other" reasons. Some of which being: fear of being alone, not wanting to hurt the other person, fear of breaking the routine and especially fear that you won't find anyone as good and that you'll be making a big mistake. I generally don't have regrets about anything I do in life because the decisions I have made have always been pondered and have always had a positive outcome.

But I have invested a lot of time in this relationship, really thought he was "the one" as they say, but I am realizing, that unfortunately, he is not. I have come to believe that I am not ready for love, or "serious" things like marriage, and I want to focus on developing myself and my career. This is something that he won't accept. I have had many relationships, serious and non, but this was by far the most intense. I would hate to see it end between us, especially badly, but I honestly don't think I'm ready to settle down. I don't know what to do.

I am also really terrified that if I get into another relationship in the future, the same thing will happen all over again. Initially it'll start off great, get progressively worse, become boring and then end. I don't think I'll ever find that "someone". I know the romantic phase wears off, but usually other wonderful things happen afterwards in its place. Those things just haven't been happening between us. There never really was a lot of chemistry between us.

[vashti]

Get rid of him now, before you end up pregnant. Then you will *really* be stuck.

And no - you have no obligation to stay with him just because you have put in 4 years. He *has* benefited from the investment of time... he got to learn an awful lot about intimate relationships, and he can carry that knowledge to the next girl, who will love him the way he deserves. Don't feel guilty. Life doesn't come with guarantees.

[someonelse]

I agree with Vashti he deserves to be with someone who's as crazy about him as he is her and if you're not it should give him the chance to find that. He'll be hurt but he'll get over. We've been in a place in out lives where we thought OMG I'm never getting over this and yet we do. You'll hurt him but for a short time.

[Mish]

I would hate to see it end between us, especially badly, but I honestly don't think I'm ready to settle down. I don't know what to do.

I am also really terrified that if I get into another relationship in the future, the same thing will happen all over again. Initially it'll start off great, get progressively worse, become boring and then end. I don't think I'll ever find that "someone". I know the romantic phase wears off, but usually other wonderful things happen afterwards in its place. Those things just haven't been happening between us. There never really was a lot of chemistry between us.

Well, if you're not ready then you're not ready and it's probably the best to get it over and done with like a band aid. Better it hurts less now than more later.

As long as you bear in mind what you mentioned, that yes the same will most likely repeat in the future. By doing this you're not really fixing the real problem, you are not learning something new you're just patching up an issue that will re-occur in the future for you and you will most likely have to deal with it then. What you are saying right now is that hopefully in the future when this re-occurs you will be wiser to handle it (which may or may not be the case). Those wonderful things after infatuation wears off don't happen on their own they are ussually a result of your determination and commitment to make your partner happy and solve problems in your relationship and if your determination and commitment are not there now a good question to ask yourself will they ever be?

[twisted]

I think what's best is that I just don't have LTRs. Ever again.

[Mish]

I think what's best is that I just don't have LTRs. Ever again.

That's one way out of it I suppose. But then you'll have to find peace with other things like growing old alone and not having a family of your own. It may seem like a good idea at this point in time when you are young, healthy and have many opportunities ahead of you, but our perspectives on this change as we get older. From my point of view an opportunity to get good experience should not be passed, there are no schools that teach these important life skills. But, that's just me.

[lastwish]

wow...i feel sorry for the guy. Just be nice and let him have his pick on what he wants for the material possessions. And for future reference...only go on long term relationships if you're ready for committment. I can't understand people who can go on a 4 year relationship and then just let go like that. Maybe thats just me cuz I get attached.

[vashti]

I am of the opinion that one should not feel guilty for their lack of feelings, and worrying about growing old with no partner is not a good reason to stay with someone. In fact, if that were the rationale someone used for staying with me, I would be horrified, not grateful. I would not care to be used in that way.

[twisted]

god, why is it that the person who is going to "get dumped" is always the victim, and the one who wants to change the situation is always the bad guy. in a relationship everyone has their faults, believe me.

this post was in reference to what lastwish wrote, mostly.

[Mish]

I am of the opinion that one should not feel guilty for their lack of feelings, and worrying about growing old with no partner is not a good reason to stay with someone. In fact, if that were the rationale someone used for staying with me, I would be horrified, not grateful. I would not care to be used in that way.

Vash, this is not the reason. The reason is the same as the one you believe in. It's the one similar to the way you described love a couple of days ago. It has less to do with the feeling itself and more to do with commtiment to the person after infatuation wears out. And as you know, infatuation always runs out it's what happens after that which decides the quality of the relationship.

I will post your quote here because I really like the way you put it

True love is what is left over when infatuation dies down (if you are lucky).

I also think love should be used as a verb (behavior), and not attached to feelings at all because feelings are transitory.

[twisted]

I would not care to be used in that way.

But when is it really that you are not "using" someone in a relationship? I mean really, when? Is there not always SOME kind of benefit that makes you stay? I dunno.