Uncertainty!

[bluesummer]

I'm sorry, but this doesn't sound at this point like it has much potential of morphing into a relationship. The fact that he calls you when he says he will, but not at all while he's away on business trips shows me that he's only putting in enough effort to keep you around, but nothing beyond that. I had a 'friend with benefits' who was a very nice guy....took me for dinner, was very pleasing in bed (and was very 'affectionate' in bed), and called when he said he would. The effort in between that was never there, though.....because he wanted nothing more than a casual friendship with sex involved. That's what your guy's behaviour says to me. If he was really interested, he wouldn't be making plans with friends the next day after you stay over....he'd want to be spending time with you. This behaviour says to me that he doesn't want you to think things are going anywhere further than sex and friendship.

If you want to be sure, the only thing to do would be to tell him that you are interested in a relationship with him and see how he reacts.

[lastwish]

If he was really interested, he wouldn't be making plans with friends the next day after you stay over....he'd want to be spending time with you.

Am I the only one that doesn't like to spend 24/7 with my SO?

But what bluesummer said sounds quite possible too.

In my opinion, it really depends on the guy. If he's a person that likes his independence and space (like me) then making plans with his friends doesn't sound unreasonable. But on the other hand, he might just be doing this to you and not when he finds the girl he truely wants.

[Cain]

Am I the only one that doesn't like to spend 24/7 with my SO?

Everyone needs SOME time apart. But, I've never been in a relationship where I wanted to spend most of my time with my girl until the one I'm in. I could spend all of my time with her and be fine.

[Melinda01]

@lesa: Thanks a lot for your reply! I can understand how you view this and I kinda agree. However, I don't think that anyone knows from teh beginning if they want something serious with a specific person. For example, I like him a lot but do I know that he'll be the one in the long run? No...cause I don't know him enough yet. And I really don't want to cause any hearts to break if I realise that he's not the right person. But yeah...I would certainly like to try but I think that it might be a good idea to take it easy.
One thing I cannot understand though is why do almost everyone advice me (and other women) to NOT contact the guy in these situations while on the other hand they advise to go and tell him what you really want from him. Isn't a try for a contact smoothier than telling him that you need to discuss about your future? To tryand keep some contact seems a smoothier way to show that you are interested in something more. Maybe not that clear but it's not that aggressive. Why not calling him for example? (I don't mean in my situation specifically but in general where people tend to give such advice that don't make sense if you put the together: Don't contact him, don't show him that you want him, but do tell him that you want him straight away to see his reaction...it sounds very risky to me...riskier than the phone call.

@lastwish: Thanks! I also think that to let it flow is the best...although the risk is that he doesn't understand what I want. I am just wondering whatthe benefits would be if I let him know straight away...trying to compare

@soulkiss & cain: I see that there is a high risk that I be called a whore and a slut because I had sex with him that soon. No I don't think that I appear as whore. It depends what you mean. But I am not a whore and I am not a slut. I don't do that often, and when I do it, it's cause I like it and want it. Why shouldn't you do something that you want and like? Because a pig will think that you are a whore and he will still want to **** you? Not interested in continuing seeing such a guy. Like you say Cain, there are some nice guys out there that don't think like that. And for me to have a serious relationship it will need to be one of them. It shouldn't matter if I sleep with the from the very beginning. Will it take a long time to find such a person? Maybe yes...but then everyone knows that the "one and only" is hard to find.

[lesa]

Yes the one and only may be difficult to find. When you tell a person that you only want to continue to date if things can become serious, you are not saying that you want him to be the one. You are saying that you only date for a chance that it may become serious. Saying this will weed out the men who are not serious. I have already stated the benefits of telling him your wants versus not telling him. You are not telling him that you want him...you are telling him that you only continue to date serious men. It's up to you but I know there is not much benefit for you to wait except for physical intimacy. I always state my preferences and then go with the flow. This may be difficult for you because you have never done so before? or fear rejections? If you are rejected then good...better now than later.

owever, I don't think that anyone knows from teh beginning if they want something serious with a specific person. For example, I like him a lot but do I know that he'll be the one in the long run?

You are in the mindset that may be different from his already. You are continuing to date him hoping that things will become serious. IMO, it is a horrible way to start off. You are not saying that you have immediately decide to commit to him...you will decide that later after getting to know him...now, you are merely making sure that you two are on the same page.

With the way things are going, I predict your goals to be very unsuccessful.

[Melinda01]

With the way things are going, I predict your goals to be very unsuccessful.

Where do you base this predictions? Which are the signs that are key to predict if my goals are succeful or not?

[bluesummer]

Am I the only one that doesn't like to spend 24/7 with my SO?

But what bluesummer said sounds quite possible too.

In my opinion, it really depends on the guy. If he's a person that likes his independence and space (like me) then making plans with his friends doesn't sound unreasonable. But on the other hand, he might just be doing this to you and not when he finds the girl he truely wants.

It's not about spending 24/7 w/your SO....I know I don't. But any guy I've been with that was actually interested in me would wake up the next morning and be so enamored from the night before, they'd be like "So, do you want to hang out today?" They wouldn't be making an exit strategy....that's what this guy sounds like he's doing.

[Melinda01]

It's not about spending 24/7 w/your SO....I know I don't. But any guy I've been with that was actually interested in me would wake up the next morning and be so enamored from the night before, they'd be like "So, do you want to hang out today?" They wouldn't be making an exit strategy....that's what this guy sounds like he's doing.

Yes I can understand what you are saying. But he is the one that has initiated contact with me first all the times. I haven't had the chance yet to show him that I'm in for something more. I have showed him that I am busy but that I like his company. He seems to be a person that is not impulsive at all. He is "measuring" the situation everytime we are together cause we've met only three times as a "couple" with long absences in between due to travellings. He may as well wait for me to suggest something this time. You say it may be a strategy...it might be! But you sound pretty sure that it's a strategy thing...but it is very mean from him if it is a strategy...

The thing with the sporty events he has everytime the next day has been a standard since we first met at the group. And it's his way to keep fit cause he doesn't have any time during the weel...so the first two times that I stayed over to his place, I also had arranged things to do the next day so it didn't bother me. But the last time I hadn't anything planned. Neither did he and we were asking one another what our plans were for the day, both replying "nothing" but noone was saying anything more. And then we were asking one another again...with the same responses and silences after that. But because I didn't know what he wanted and I didn't want him to feel pressured I was reminding him about the sporty thing that isn't arranged yet...and so after a couple of times I asked him whether there'll be something or not he called a friend and the friend confirmed...and that was it. And then I got sad...

Now I'm feeling a little stupid sitting here and describing the situation with every little detail cause it seems like I'm trying to find a way to show that this was not a strategy by him. But I really think that these details that make you think that he might actually were thinking about the same thing but didn't really want to seem pushy and needy are kind of important to know. Cause there's a difference when I say for example: "I had lunch" which will make you think that I was hungry and "I had lunch but there was a very bad waitress that ruined my mood and I lost my apetite but still ate the food". You get a much better view of the situation...

Although it is something that he does and based on how it felt last time I say that this is one thing I don't like about him...

I don't know but I find it very strange here that there are so many people that have so different opinion from me about how to handle these situations. It seems that many people here believe that the guy that is interested should go after the girl and show her that he is really really taken by her charm. I personally don't think that this is the right thing to do for a guy...not at the very beginning at least! Why someone would be that passionate about someone else so soon that they can't even hold themselves and show to the other person how they feel? He might not be taken serious and he might lose the game. Then we have different opinions about the girls. Why should the girl say straight away that they want a serious relationship? In my opinion this is a big no-no! At least at the beginning...it scares the guys off!

But still I'm very confused on what I should do cause on one hand I have my opinion and I know how I feel about doing things and I know that I don't quite agree with the advice given here. And that I wouldn't feel confortable at all to say to him that I want something serious at of this in that early stage. And on the other hand it's almost everyone here that agrees with one another but not with me. And maybe I'm the wrong one and should try to do something that is completely different of what I've been used to and what feels good to do but somehow it's been turned down by almost everyone else. Very confused!

[bluesummer]

I'm not saying to tell him straight away that you want a serious relationship....that probably WOULD scare him away. All you need to do is figure out from him in some way if he's interested in you beyond something casual. Or, you could just keep going on the way you are and maybe he will eventually show signs he's interested. If he isn't, he's going to keep getting non-committal sex, and you are going to be hurt and confused wondering why he isn't responding in the way you want him to. So I guess it's up to you to figure out what you want.

WE can only give you advice based on what you tell us about the situation. We tell you how it looks based on what you've said and our relationship experiences.

[Cain]

Yes, there are SOME nice guys that might not have a problem with a girl that has slept with more guys than years she has been on this earth, but there aren't many. The good guys didn't go around sleeping with every woman around and they don't expect their woman to do it anyways.

Guys are direct. If he wanted a relationship, he'd start showing it. He hasn't shown it at all. Who cares if he has initiated contact each time? He's done it because he wants to f*ck you. He'll sit through an opera if he knows he's going to get in your pants later. That's why having sex on the first date is stupid. You can't differentiate between the guys that just want you as a booty call and the guys that want a serious relationship.

Have some respect for yourself and don't be so easy. Try going on a few dates without it ending in bed and see what he does.

[lastwish]

Guys are direct. If he wanted a relationship, he'd start showing it. He hasn't shown it at all.

Maybe he isn't sure if he wants a serious relationship with her yet. I think Melinda knows that their relationship isn't stable yet so she's afraid that demanding for a serious relationship at this early stage might scare him off.

Melinda, if you really don't think its an appropriate time to demand him for a serious relationship then don't do it. But mentioning the subject won't hurt either. Maybe you can ask him if he sees you two together in a serious relationship or if its a possibility in the future. If he's horrified or if he doesn't give you a concrete answer, he might have committment issues or he really does just see you as a casual partner. You don't have to be aggressive about it, but staying quiet won't do you good either.

[lesa]

The thing with the sporty events he has everytime the next day has been a standard since we first met at the group. And it's his way to keep fit cause he doesn't have any time during the weel...so the first two times that I stayed over to his place, I also had arranged things to do the next day so it didn't bother me. But the last time I hadn't anything planned. Neither did he and we were asking one another what our plans were for the day, both replying "nothing" but noone was saying anything more. And then we were asking one another again...with the same responses and silences after that. But because I didn't know what he wanted and I didn't want him to feel pressured I was reminding him about the sporty thing that isn't arranged yet...and so after a couple of times I asked him whether there'll be something or not he called a friend and the friend confirmed...and that was it. And then I got sad...

Here is why effectively communicating your wants is important…you will both be in a clueless relationship until someone out of frustration, possibly, tell the other what they want. Yes he may breakup with you if you both do not have the same goals but waiting longer will not make him change his mind unless your goal is to do some type of manipulation to get him to share your point of view. You will get the same result at this time too but with a lot of frustrations, disappointment, and emotions invested.

I don't know but I find it very strange here that there are so many people that have so different opinion from me about how to handle these situations. It seems that many people here believe that the guy that is interested should go after the girl and show her that he is really really taken by her charm. I personally don't think that this is the right thing to do for a guy...not at the very beginning at least! Why someone would be that passionate about someone else so soon that they can't even hold themselves and show to the other person how they feel? He might not be taken serious and he might lose the game. Then we have different opinions about the girls. Why should the girl say straight away that they want a serious relationship? In my opinion this is a big no-no! At least at the beginning...it scares the guys off!

Do you feel that stating the kind of relationship you like to have and asking him the same is scaring a guy away? What is your plan? Do you hope that he has the same desires as you without ever asking him or force a serious relationship that he may not want?

I may want a man for purely a physical relationship and he may want me as a girlfriend. Now we have a conflict and I will most likely breakup with him. He should have told me sooner, because I would still probably have ended our relationship earlier had I known he wanted something else. I have wasted his time and created major disappointment.

But still I'm very confused on what I should do cause on one hand I have my opinion and I know how I feel about doing things and I know that I don't quite agree with the advice given here. And that I wouldn't feel confortable at all to say to him that I want something serious at of this in that early stage. And on the other hand it's almost everyone here that agrees with one another but not with me. And maybe I'm the wrong one and should try to do something that is completely different of what I've been used to and what feels good to do but somehow it's been turned down by almost everyone else. Very confused!

If you feel good to do what you have always been doing then that is okay. I have a feeling that you do not feel very good about it because you have posted for opinions. I prefer communication and it has made my life much easier when it comes to relationships. I want the guy to understand what I want but he is under no obligations at all to give it to me. Right now you may be considered a physical relationship only…so someone has to do something to have it possibly progress (if he feels the same) to what you have wanted all along……….

[lesa]

Lastwish stated it much better than I ever could. This is what I meant:

But mentioning the subject won't hurt either. Maybe you can ask him if he sees you two together in a serious relationship or if its a possibility in the future. If he's horrified or if he doesn't give you a concrete answer, he might have committment issues or he really does just see you as a casual partner. You don't have to be aggressive about it, but staying quiet won't do you good either.

There is no demanding him, pressuring him, manipulating him, coercing him or anyone whatsoever, Melinda. My posts do seem like making demands but I do not intend for it to appear that way. I would run far away and (possibly get law enforcements if he continues) if some man comes up to me demanding or expecting me to be in any certain type of relationship with him.

Also, you cannot make what you have with this man right now into a relationship. It is wrong to assume a relationship or ease him into a relationship, there has to be some type of communication on it.

I mean ask him what does he think about a serious relationship and you say to him what you desire in relationships in general. He makes his decisions and you make yours.