single and feel alone

[overlooked]

hello guys,..
dunno why i start this thread but just want to get my thoughts out here and see what u guys have to say

so i've been single for like 3 years now (awfully long time for me), and it starts to worry me lately since i'm on my 24th years old. more and more of my friends are either already married or getting engaged, and i dont even have a bf.

2 hours ago suddenly i felt like i was never gonna meet a guy for the rest of my life. this thought rarely came into my mind, but when it does, it makes me sick just thinking that i'm gonna spend the rest of my life without a partner.

was i being unreasonable? did that ever occur to anyone before? how can i get rid of this thought from my head? (please dont tell me to get myself busy, cos i already am)

[shh!]

I think everyone your age worries about that.

What are you doing about making yourself more approachable? Because that is what I'd be thinking about if I were you...

[Kromat]

I'm also 24 still single, and busy, but just date on the weekends and just let it happen.
* I am currently interested in this girl that got interested in
me through lavalife, and she seems to like my personality.

Sometimes our career gets in the way, but don't let that stop you from opening up....
as you don't have to meet people just in bars or work, if you see an opportunity
to talk to strangers, go ahead and learn something from them and get
around a conversation, if they're available yet.

P.S. If your having trouble, and want to meet lots of compatible singles, go on dating sites.
I could meet people in person, but it might take longer to find someone that
I'm compatible with, or just need to look in the right places.

[GrkScorp]

so i've been single for like 3 years now (awfully long time for me), and it starts to worry me lately since i'm on my 24th years old. more and more of my friends are either already married or getting engaged, and i dont even have a bf.

2 hours ago suddenly i felt like i was never gonna meet a guy for the rest of my life. this thought rarely came into my mind, but when it does, it makes me sick just thinking that i'm gonna spend the rest of my life without a partner.

This reminds me of someone I knew in college..

Her: I'm totally failing all of my classes.., it's like i'm just not meant to do anything with my life
Me: How many hours a day do you study?
Her: I don't have time to study.., I work
Me: I work too.., more hours than you.., but I still get time in to study..
Her: I'm just not big on studying
Me: Well.., do you at least take good notes in class?
Her: I work.., so sometimes I miss class here and there because of it..
Me: Look.., I don't want to be rude.., but.., it's easy to make all these elaborate excuses for yourself.., the hard part is setting them aside and taking some action to get things done.., and if you don't do that.., believe me.., you're just going to be one of those people who flunks college and eternally hates the American educational system.. there's nothing wrong with the system.., you need to start taking more action.., and making less excuses..

(Let's not go beyond that)

First of all.., aside from the kind of person you are.., here are some questions..

1. How often do you step outside your home?
2. How often do you go to social gatherings?
3. If you happen to go to gatherings.., what do you do?
4. Based on what you do.., how do you imagine or expect to meet someone?



Allow me to throw you some examples of social scenes..

NYC Bar traps:

You walk inside.., everyone is very well dressed.., pretending to not look around.., to be focused on their own thing.., because the wall or what their friends are wearing is so interesting.., and that's after all.., the reason they came to the bar.. The men just walked out of GQ.., the women walked out of Classy Bimbos R' Us..

Walking inside.., everyone is extremely guarded.., they look at you.., but then either turn away or give you a semi-angry and defensive gaze.. Why are they reacting this way? Are they threatened by you? It's not like you're going to kill them.., or cause them harm.., or be mean or rude.. And therein lies the problem.., they don't know that..

In a city filled with social elitists.., starving artists.., and a variety of intellectuals.., you are a threat to them.., what if you are more accomplished? what if you are more successful? what if they meet you and realize that there are other brilliant people in NY besides themselves? And more importantly.., throwing all the crap aside.., what if you meet them and you're not interested in them? Some people can't cope with rejection.., and the only way they seem to try and deal with it.., is to lock up.., put on a strong performance.., and wait for some perfect stranger to come up and break through it.., it's easier for them to do that.., it's safer.., more comfortable for them..

Now.., this is perhaps the worst dating and partner selection strategy known to any species.. You seriously limit your romantic and sexual options when you don't bother to take action.., you might have been flooded with advice already on how to be more "approachable" and throwing some "hints" to make it easier for people to "talk to you".., how's that all been working so far?

Forget the NYC Bar traps.., filled with people who will easily open up to strangers.., all they have is a strong performance..

Social gathering:

You walk inside.., and you see a guy who you think is cute.., what do you do? Not what you've done historically.., we know that has to change.., but what goes on in your mind? What do you think about? What is the train of thought that leads you to stay where you are and wait.., instead of going up and talking?

Be honest.., nobody is judging.., and even if they are.., you don't know them.., you don't care.., so don't be afraid to express exactly how you feel..

Best,

GrkScorp

[overlooked]

thanks for the advices guys..i think i have some issues that i have to fix tho..firstly i'm not confident in my own body: i just dont feel good about the way i look, it makes me opt to stay at home even on saturday nights. secondly, i lost hopes in meeting new guys in my small town: there's just not many guys (single ones) around. thridly, my parents are very picky: they just wont let me date/even just be friends with guys who dont meet their expectation (i know i know..i'm not a mummy's girl, but they still apply rules on my life, ESPECIALLY on who to date...sigh..). fourth: i'm not the kind of person who would make the first move in approaching a new guy (unless they make the move first), no way...i'm just too lazy doing that, unless the guy interests me like 100%...in which is VERY rare.



i have a job that i totally love, but it doesn't let me meet new people (opposite sex). i own a cooking school, in which i'm also the trainer. my students are mainly adult women, occasionally men also, but i can count that with hands. my friends meet their partners while they work in goverment offices/outside work, but i refuse following their path, since honestly i make more money in just a month (only 3 hours work daily) than they do in a whole year (8 hours work daily), and i totally enjoy what i do, since this is my hobby also. But the draw back is it just doesnt give that social advantage that i should be getting when working in offices (meeting lots of new people): offices usually have gatherings and stuff like that.

Social gathering:

You walk inside.., and you see a guy who you think is cute.., what do you do? Not what you've done historically.., we know that has to change.., but what goes on in your mind? What do you think about? What is the train of thought that leads you to stay where you are and wait.., instead of going up and talking?

if i see a guy that i think is VERY cute, i'd walk up to him but i wont say anything, i just stand there (around him, not INFRONT of him) just to make myself available if he wants to talk to me (but yes, my mistake is i always pretend to be a little busy or occupied a LITTLE). but when he doesnt, i pretend like i'm also not interested in him. i'm actually quite a bubbly person, but when i meet a guy that interest me, i can't seem to be myself (which is cheerful and talkative), i'd go totally quiet and seems distance. i do this unconsciously, i dont even know why i do this. maybe because i'm afraid that he may not be interested in me or even find me annoying somehow. i dont even know the pick up lines. my mind is simply blank when i meet an attractive person

[Illusional]

for some it happens at 12, for others it happens at 60, and for some it will never happen at all. if you're too worried about the small things in life, then you'll never remember to enjoy it.

raverboy

[boobaa]

if i see a guy that i think is VERY cute, i'd walk up to him but i wont say anything, i just stand there (around him, not INFRONT of him) just to make myself available if he wants to talk to me (but yes, my mistake is i always pretend to be a little busy or occupied a LITTLE). but when he doesnt, i pretend like i'm also not interested in him. i'm actually quite a bubbly person, but when i meet a guy that interest me, i can't seem to be myself (which is cheerful and talkative), i'd go totally quiet and seems distance. i do this unconsciously, i dont even know why i do this. maybe because i'm afraid that he may not be interested in me or even find me annoying somehow. i dont even know the pick up lines. my mind is simply blank when i meet an attractive person

I don't get what is it with you, women. Social standards are screwed you up or what. The last part reminds me that a lot of men also have same kind of problems, especially in teenage years. But men overcome their problems really quickly. I really don't think man and woman are so much different in this part, and you are also not in your teenage years either, I assume.

[GrkScorp]

thanks for the advices guys..i think i have some issues that i have to fix tho..firstly i'm not confident in my own body: i just dont feel good about the way i look, it makes me opt to stay at home even on saturday nights. secondly, i lost hopes in meeting new guys in my small town: there's just not many guys (single ones) around. thridly, my parents are very picky: they just wont let me date/even just be friends with guys who dont meet their expectation (i know i know..i'm not a mummy's girl, but they still apply rules on my life, ESPECIALLY on who to date...sigh..). fourth: i'm not the kind of person who would make the first move in approaching a new guy (unless they make the move first), no way...i'm just too lazy doing that, unless the guy interests me like 100%...in which is VERY rare.

You and every other woman on the planet..

Here is what happens.., you don't feel confident in the way you look.., when you DO happen to go out.., you don't get approached by any guy.., and if you do.., it's not by anyone cute.. So going to gatherings and out of your house makes you feel like perhaps you're not attractive enough to be approached by anyone.., so you choose to stay home.. In fear that you may feel worse if you actually start talking to a guy and he doesn't like you.., it's easier to just sit there and do nothing or put on a disinterested performance than it is to start a conversation..

The reality is.., girls who talk more.., get laid more.. And not to add insult to injury in any way.., but also have boyfriends.., and get married..

Is there something magical about talking? Not really.. there's nothing attractive about talking in and of itself.. the magic is in what talking enables two people to experience..

Before any of them starts to talk.., the frame & dynamic between them is that of two strangers.., you don't know me.., I don't know you.., and for all I know.., you can reject me.., hurt me.., and cause me to feel bad about myself.., so it's safer for me to keep my distance and prevent that from taking place..

Understandable.., but do people really behave that way? This may come as a shock to you.., but no.., they don't.. Because of social pressure.., people almost have no choice but to be polite and tactful around others.., and beyond that.., it's very rare that you meet an insecure asshole.., egotistical jerk.., or heartless b*tch.. most people.., despite any defensive or guarded performance they may put on to emotionally protect themselves and distance themselves from any perceived harm.., are genuinely good-natured..

Not just women.., but people who talk.., make more friends.., and have a wide variety of romantic and sexual options.., and not just in quantity.., but in quality.., because they are no longer limited to who will come up and approach them..

Talking allows for "connection".., "understanding".., and getting to know more about the other person.., which paves the way for "attraction".., because the majority of attraction.., is actually not based on looks.., looks can only disqualify a person.., but never qualify them as a partner! If a person is ugly.., you would never date them.., but if they are gorgeous.., it doesn't mean that you would automatically date them.. Talking allows the two of you to get to know each other better.., and discover more about each other's character than is available through looks alone..

Girls who talk.., reveal themselves.., and allow for guys to be more emotionally invested in them.., to get to like them for them.., which is more powerful and meaningful than some guy walking up to her because he loved her lack of clothing and 4inch heals that day.. Emotional investment and connection are the key.., and make all the difference.., but in order for it to take place.., you have to open up your mouth and talk!

As far as parental pressure.., show me a father who isn't selective about the men his daughter will date.., my father told me many times.., "I don't really care who you date.., the only time i'll care is if you tell me you're thinking of marrying her.., but if you were my daughter.., I would care who you would date.., because as a guy.., I don't really care who you're fcuking.., for as long as you're not marrying her or diluting your bloodline with her inferior genes by starting a family with her.., I don't really care.., but if you were a girl.., I wouldn't allow you to date just anyone.., I wouldn't allow you to have sex with garbage loser men.., no matter how good looking they were.., no matter how much you wanted to be with them.., I wouldn't allow it.., because if you were a girl.., and I knew you were being fcuked by some loser low-life.., it would be as if that loser low-life was fcuking me.., destroying the bloodline.., all the effort and hard work into raising a quality woman.., gone.., and I would never allow that"

[shh!]

I think you have a very interesting and unusual profession. That is a big plus, but don't ever mention to a man that you probably make more than he does. Most men simply can't take it and they feel threatened.

Since you have so many nights available, I think you need to work on putting yourself "out there" more. Maybe you can take a class or something...

Feeling comfortable with the opposite sex has more to do with continual exposure and practice than anything else. It almost doesn't matter what you look like - there are men out there that are attracted to just about everything, and the women I know who are hit on the most are not always the most beautiful. You can also get away with being shy to some extent, so long as you understand that you need to make the male feel comfortable when he is talking to you.

I don't blame you for letting the male do the approaching... I have never approached a male, and if you look welcoming and friendly enough, you don't have to.

Have you got some girlfriends that are targeted by men frequently? Maybe you can watch and see how they act and incorporate some of their behaviors into your own.

As for the parents - are you still living at home? If so, you need to move out. At your age, what your parents don't know won't hurt them.

[clearskies]

hello guys,..
was i being unreasonable? did that ever occur to anyone before? how can i get rid of this thought from my head? (please dont tell me to get myself busy, cos i already am)

Oh dear, I had the same thoughts when I was your age or even before. Friends around me were engaged or married or in relations while I was single. I accepted the first Nice GOOD Looking GENTLEMAN who knocked my door. It failed after he made all the possible use of me. So do not run after that, things will come and you have to have a selective eye. That is what I do now, chances definitely will be less but still I will not do the same fatal mistake again. What I wanted to say is that, you need to have more patience. Now, I started to believe that romance must not end the way I want.

[Kromat]

1. I'm not confident in my own body:

Don't worry about the way you look on the outside, if you feel like you don't like your body,
your confidence will be lacking and your self-esteem will suffer and you won't be as approachable,
If you had a positive attitude and just let people get to know the person that you truly are.

2. I lost hopes in meeting new guys in my small town: there's just not many guys (single ones) around.

Travel a little, If your having trouble in your area, you'd be surprised how
many single people travel and find sometime that is an attraction.

3. My parents are very picky: they just wont let me date/even
just be friends with guys who dont meet their expectation

This is the worst thing to have in mind, you decide what you want in life, not your parents,
so choose whoever makes you happy, and they'll have to accept it.
They might not like him at first, but they'll appreciate having him part of the family because he makes you happy.

4. fourth: i'm not the kind of person who would make the first move in approaching a new guy (unless they make the
move first), no way...i'm just too lazy doing that, unless the guy interests me like 100%...in which is VERY rare.

Be confident that your approachable, bring a male friend, If you have to, to make
yourself more comfortable around other guys that approach you.

5. i have a job that i totally love, but it doesn't let me meet new people (opposite sex). i own a cooking school, in
which i'm also the trainer & my students are mainly adult women, occasionally men also, but i can count that with hands

If you have female students, then let them help you out how to open up and be comfortable,
just because you teach them, doesn't mean they can't teach you something as well.

6. My friends meet their partners while they work in goverment offices/outside work., but i
refuse following their path, since = More money in just a month, since this is my hobby.

You think about money too much, you enjoy what you do, but should be more concerned
with what is happening in your social life outside of work with family and friends.

7. Doesnt give that social advantage.

Give yourself the time to meet new people, if you have to have one night to yourself, give yourself that priviledge.

8. If i see a guy that i think is VERY cute, I'd walk up to him but i wont say anything,
i just stand there (around him, not INFRONT of him) just to make myself available.

Talking to strangers will let you overcome this fear, treat them like you would a friend, and see how it works out.
Take as many risks as you can in everyday life and it'll become easier.


P.S. I was in your situation before, but without the career, as I started to open up to other
people and not let them threaten me and act accordingly, It made me a lot more comfortable
and actually made a lot of friendships with females as a result.

Changing careers is making me take a break from dating, but when I'm ready, I'll be confident
enough to express myself and make someone love me for who am I and truly show them an
individual that is going to be there for her, many years to come.

[GrkScorp]

if i see a guy that i think is VERY cute, i'd walk up to him but i wont say anything, i just stand there (around him, not INFRONT of him) just to make myself available if he wants to talk to me (but yes, my mistake is i always pretend to be a little busy or occupied a LITTLE). but when he doesnt, i pretend like i'm also not interested in him. i'm actually quite a bubbly person, but when i meet a guy that interest me, i can't seem to be myself (which is cheerful and talkative), i'd go totally quiet and seems distance. i do this unconsciously, i dont even know why i do this. maybe because i'm afraid that he may not be interested in me or even find me annoying somehow. i dont even know the pick up lines. my mind is simply blank when i meet an attractive person

Well.., you've seen first hand.., time and time again how that works out..

Are all the guys you're running into very shy? Unlikely..

Are all the guys you're running into not finding you attractive? Unlikely..

Then what the hell?

Are all the guys you're running into.., just not that motivated to start talking to you?

Does that mean they don't find you attractive or that they have no interest in you? No! Is it a bad thing that they aren't approaching you? I'll let you be the judge of that..

It's a question of motivation and what peaks his interest.., if there is a guy you find cute.., and you stand in front of him.., or around him.., and wait for him to approach you and start talking.., but he doesn't.., what does that mean? It doesn't mean he doesn't think you're attractive.., it doesn't mean he didn't notice you.., it doesn't even mean that he may never grow to get to like you or be interested in you.., it just means that he isn't that interested "yet" and lacks any motivation to come up and talk to you..

The myth is.., guys are interested in one thing.., and looks are very very important.., and if you don't look like a Victoria's Secret model.., you should just give up on life and kill yourself.. Deriving from this myth.., is that if a guy is interested in you.., he will approach you.., and it fails to answer "why" he is interested in you.. What part of you has he grown to be interested in.., so much so that he was motivated to come over and talk to you? Men who come up to a woman.., and immediately start to express interest.., are interested in her looks.., and it's flattering.., but hardly a steady basis to build a relationship on.. There is always be better looking women.., and she will go mad if she starts a relationship with a man who was interested in her because of her looks.., these men are impulsive.., not loyal.., and desperate.., but for some strange reason.., women have been conditioned to look for this kind of male attention..

When a guy you find cute.., doesn't start talking to you.., it's not because he doesn't find you attractive.., or doesn't notice you.., or would never in a million years be interested in you.., many guys.., are waiting (testing) to see if you are still a little girl or a woman.., they don't want to be in a relationship with a little girl (negative traits: insecurity.., jealousy.., attention wh0re.., drama queen).., and a major part of seeing if you're a woman is to see if you (not "you" just any girl in general) can get over her inner princess and start up a conversation like it's no big deal.., other guys simply are not the least bit phased by your looks or what you are (or aren't) wearing.. They could make a skewer on their penis to all the perfect 10 supermodel types they've had.., but they've outgrown that phase and are now looking for a mature and emotionally stable woman.. (which is good.., because these are also the men who are serious about marriage).., they are more interested in the non-sex part of a relationship than they are in the sex part of the relationship.., they are looking to find someone to fall in love with.., not someone to just have sex with.. (and this concept is unusual for most women to take in.., they're not used to thinking about men this way)

The fears of women when it comes to cute guys:

- He will not find me attractive
- He will not be interested in me when we start talking
- He will probably have a big ego and huge idea about himself
- He will be constantly getting attention from other women
- I don't just want to be an other one of his conquests

1. For as long as he doesn't find you ugly.., he will find you more attractive the more he gets to know you..
2. That's just a negative mentality.., you haven't even started talking to him yet! This is more a self-esteem issue than anything else..
3. Unlikely.., attractive men and attractive women are not the same.., men don't feel they have power or are entitled to anything because of their looks.., they don't feel their looks will open doors or take them places.., and very rarely will you see a man who is obsessed with his looks.., in fact.., you will always see attractive guys belittling their looks and being modest.., as if they don't even matter.., because that's how much importance or value they place in their looks
4. True.., but again.., this is why "connection" & "emotional investment" is more important than looks.. He may be getting attention from other women.., but if he has made that special connection with you.., if you are both deeply emotional invested in each other and he has grow to feel strongly about you and love you.., then he is "chick proof".., hard to believe.., but you can laugh your butt off watching other women try and take him from you.., his loyalty is to you and nobody else can change that..
5. If he has not approached you.., that's not even an issue.., he's not looking for an other conquest.., that's why he's not phased by looks.., that's why he doesn't even feel enough interest or motivation to go over and talk to women who look like:



You are still used to thinking of male-female interactions like this:



And you find it hard to see that it's not YOU.., you don't have a problem.., you are not any less attractive.., it's just that he hasn't got to know you yet.., and because he hasn't got to know the person you are.., he hasn't begun to feel interest in you yet:



Just try this next time you're out..

As you go up to talk to a guy you find cute.., ask him any of the following:

- You're a guy.., you know how girls always have like at least 20 pairs of shoes.., honestly.., without lying.., what's the most pairs of shoes you've ever had?

- I know this is kind of awkward between two people who don't know each other.., but.., we were just talking about why guys are so afraid of marriage.., and we could be wrong.., but is it because they're afraid of having kids and starting a family.., or because they think that marriage kills the romance in a relationship?

Those are just two example.., I don't want to flood you with conversation starters.., just try those two for now.., see how they go..

The object is.., to engage guys in heavy conversation and get them involved.., sucking them and hooking them in the interaction.., until you can feel that he's well grounded and not planning of leaving or walking away.. All while being bubbly.., playful.., funny.., lively.., energetic.., and flirty.., touch him.., smile.., and laugh.., don't be too serious or dramatic.., it's not a debate.., it's a light and casual social interaction.. When he sees that there's some depth to you.., that you and him are on the same mental level.., that you're interesting.., you would have gained his interest.., and believe me.., if he doesn't ask you for your number himself.., if you give him yours.., he'll call you.., because now you've sparked his interest.., and he wants to get to know you better.. you've just come on his radar as a potential relationship option..

Best,

GrkScorp

[shh!]

Oh good lord, who is gonna read all that? We need a word limit per post.

[GrkScorp]

Oh good lord, who is gonna read all that? We need a word limit per post.

We have one.., and it's over 9,000!!!

[overlooked]

haha..thanks heapsss guys for all the effort in giving me advice..hehe..

anyway..come to think of it, indeed i've just realised the type of men that i tend to find attractive are these types:
- very shy
i get turned off with guys who talk so much (nonsense) with their friends, i feel like he's just a *bullshiter* who talks and no action. i prefer a guy who listens and when they do talk, they know exactly what they're talking about. i dont see that much happening in talkative guy, really. like my dad said "silence is golden" in which i find true. this however, makes it even harder to make conversation with these types of "shy" guy, since i wouldnt know what interest them. i feel like i'm gonna have to be the one who starts all the talking (sometimes this makes ME the *bullshiter* who talks and no action. this really backfire me.

- always busy
i consciously observe what the guy is doing. good looking guy means nothing to me if they just sit there with a blank head (making me think they dont know what they're doing in life). if i see a guy who is preoccupied (like doing some thinking, working or whatever), suddenly i find them more and more attractive. but obviously they wont be that much available for approaching either, right? (haha..it backfires me once again)

and shh!...no i dont mention how much money i earn, but it doesnt mean that they don't know. in my small town,i'm being watched (and talked about) by many people, especially my students ( i have over 800+ students so far), they dont need me to disclose how much i earn, they just do the math by counting how many students i have in one class (being the student in the class ofcourse they can just count it themselves). and this fact is hard if not impossible to hide. they do TALK, and God knows who they talk to. i'm not sure this is the problem tho...but yes i find less and less guy approach me, and maybe they get threatened by this (but i'm not worried, since a guy who feels threatened means they are insecure, and i'm not interested in insecure guy anyway) i dont really care how much money they earn compared to me, as long as they do their own job well.