Turn One night stand into a Relationship?

[IndiReloaded]

I know I'm not the only person on this forum to have called someone a name.

She told you it bothered her though. And sorry, but just b/c someone else does shitty things doesn't mean its okay for you too.

Just like cheating, or sleeping around, right? They obviously think its okay... so by your logic, that must make it okay for you too.

??

[Cain]

She told you it bothered her though. And sorry, but just b/c someone else does shitty things doesn't mean its okay for you too.

Just like cheating, or sleeping around, right? They obviously think its okay... so by your logic, that must make it okay for you too.

??

I'll be a saint from now on. No more negative Cain!

[Mish]

Wow, this thread is still going...

Let me skip right over all the fighting and arguments and go way way back. (To maybe start another) Hopefully everyone will follow

Also I used to treat guys bad, ignore them after we had sex, only return phone calls when I felt like, and say whatever I felt like saying....for some strange reasons, most of them would chase after me..So I sort of get this impression that guys feel like they've been empowered by having sex with you, sth. like they have gained power and control over you once you two had sex, and there should be a reverse of roles. But if you could manage to show contempt to them after sex, show that you dont care about it, and show that you've got plenty going on besides them, you kind of gain the power back..and they just get very interested.

I think you have to be careful with that line of thought. You're using word "contempt" for people you had sex with for reasons which are borderline speculation at best. To me this attitude sounds malicious because you are manufacturing a punishment for a non specific intent.

I also don't understand what you mean by "there should be a reversal of roles", you mean for a guy to become feminine and for a woman to become musculine? For women to do the chasing and for guys to become passive submissive?

And I don't understand what you mean by "guys have gained power and control over you once you two had sex". I personally don't think this is the case. Perhaps the end of the chasing period is over and the guy feels he doesn't have to try as hard any more, but it doesn't mean you are under his control after the act, these are two entirely different relations (unless you yourself want to be and become overly submissive, if you willingly give up your control then the guy will have control over you).

Cuz it's assumed that the man should do the calculating to get the girl into his bed. But can't women do the same to get the guy into her bed? Why not?

Ofcourse women can do the same. But once again you are advocating musculinity for women and feminininty to guys. Because who ever does the picking up assumes the musculine role. If you want to be a musculine actor then you have every right to go ahead and do that, though you will most likely find that this will work mostly on submissive / feminine guys who probably have a bigger wardrobe than yours, while musculine guys that you're most likely are after may be too intimidated by you, they may feel emasculated being made to follow your lead, they may not want to be with someone who competes with them and will look else where for their more feminine partner. Don't blame them for it. Blame evolution.

[shh!]

questiongirl writes:
"Cuz it's assumed that the man should do the calculating to get the girl into his bed. But can't women do the same to get the guy into her bed? Why not?"


Since when is it necessary for a woman to be calculating to get a man into her bed?

[GrkScorp]

Since when is it necessary for a woman to be calculating to get a man into her bed?

When she's looking to get a man into her bed who's equal to or above her own quality for a change..

Same applies for men.., sure.., you can settle for the girl you didn't exactly fantasize about having sex with.., and there's little effort necessary.., or you can be fair to yourself and do better in terms of quality.., and that will always require one to be slightly "tactful" not exactly "calculating" (which implies dishonesty)..

Being calculating is being dishonest.., and it's no more right for a man to be dishonest than it is for a woman.., quality attracts quality.., being open.., honest.., and genuine is really all it takes for you to get that quality guy (or girl) into your bed.., and more importantly.., into your life..

If you let your guard down.., and you show your genuine self.., your uninhibited self.., your non-role-playing act-free self.., and the person doesn't value it.., then the relative quality between the two of you is quite apart.., but if it isn't.., you have attraction.., on both ends..

Sure.., you can be pessimistic.., doubt yourself.., and come to think.., that maybe you're not good enough for him.., which may cause you to have thoughts like.., "was he looking at me? what did he mean by that? what is he thinking? does he like me? psst i'm way too good for him.., if he doesn't like me.., it's his loss anyway".., and that will probably lead you to feel guarded..

It's actually quite ironic.., thinking about a woman who is confident enough in herself.., and secure enough to be unaffected by trivial social pressures.., to use such language as "calculating" when talking about attracting a man.., a woman with her Doctorate degree and so much to offer intellectually.., talking about "getting him into bed"..

Would you value yourself so little.., as to think that sex is the only thing you can offer a guy like this? Or that sex is a priority from a guy like this? You may be missing out on golden opportunities on winning him over and making him fall in love with you.. Stop worrying about what you're going to wear.., or how you're going to look.., and start worrying about what you're going to talk about.., and what the two of you are going to do.., how the overall experience is going to be.., and if he will enjoy the time the two of you have together..

Call it "calculating" if you want.., but being this tactful.., enables him to connect to the type of person you are.., he can see all the different sides of you.., and easily create in his mind.., the idea (and fantasy) of the two of you together (long-term).., because that's the kind of woman he wants to be with.. (really)

Personally.., (and again.., not the only guy who feels this way).., the perfect 10 knockout "high class" bimbo.., rubbing her thigh against mine.., caressing my facial hair.., licking my jawline.., and whispering things into my ear.., is not at all successfully seducing anyone.., she is telegraphing a very negative message about herself.., "she feels she can win men over through sex.., that's her strong selling point.., that's how she feels.., maybe that's the only thing she feels she can offer men.., maybe that's the only thing she feels men care for.., maybe that's the only thing the men in her life made her feel she could offer them.., maybe that's the only thing the men in her life cared for.., who knows? who cares?".., having sex with this kind of woman.., is like locking yourself into the wrong kind of agreement.., a non-romantic & disrespectful business deal that doesn't make sense for you.., it's a (quid pro quo = this for that) relationship.., where she feels that she is offering you sex.., or promising to offer you sex.., in return for dibs on your wallet.. (cough cough.., "a generous man.., someone who knows how to treat a woman.., someone who can spoil me".., perhaps more aggressively.., "someone who's not cheap and knows that i'm worth every penny").., there's a name for that kind of woman.., a prostitute.., and with all due respect to one's self.., in terms of a business deal.., it's a crappy offer.., there are better products at much cheaper prices.., a woman who puts herself out there like this.., directly or indirectly.., is making an offer that simply doesn't make sense.., and deserves to be treated like the self-proclaimed high cultured "lady" she is..

"Sorry.., I don't date whores.., it's cheaper to rent them"

Do you want to know what kind of woman gets the guys out there who seem out of reach.., seemingly impossible? The Katie Holmes.., the Jakie Kennedy's of this world.. Seriously..

The magic isn't hidden inside their shirt or in their pants.., it's in the mental stimulation they have to offer the person who is dating them.., when a man is dating someone.., and she's not ugly.., good.., she doesn't disqualify.., but she doesn't qualify either.., when he sees that she isn't snobby or pretentious.., that she's genuine.., open.., honest.., warm.., funny.., that's good.., but it's not enough.., what really "makes the sale" or "closes the deal".., is the novelty of this person.., what they have to offer him through the process of association.. He can't be a doctor dating a high-school drop-out who's a stripper.. If she can radiate.., (truthfully.., being a genuine part of who she really is) a cultural.., creative.., intellectual.., and personal charisma about her.. she's in.., (he's in the sack)..

This is the woman he wants to date.., and if she's the woman he wants to date.., and can see himself dating.., she's also the woman he can see himself.., and allow himself.., to have sex with.. and yes.., end up dating.., and perhaps (getting a little ahead).., end up marrying..

But while it might be flattering to think that you went through all this effort to be "calculating" ways to get him to bed.., a woman who is "calculating" poses just as negative of a personality trait as a woman who has a prostitute's mentality.. These are not women you marry.., let alone date.., let alone have sex with.. (if you do.., that goes to say something about the quality of the guy.., not the effectiveness of your calculations)..

Just be honest with him.., it looks like he already likes you and the two of you are getting more serious.., no need to be calculating.., or anything but completely honest..

What do you have your Doctorate in btw?

[shh!]

When she's looking to get a man into her bed who's equal to or above her own quality for a change..

Bullshit. All a girl has to do is say she wants to have sex. Obviously, if you are talking about an unattractive girl vs. a pretty boy, he will hold out for something else, but generally speaking, he will be on her like a fly on poop. He probably won't keep her, though... she's too easy.

I didn't read your entire post (never do - too long).

[GrkScorp]

He probably won't keep her, though... she's too easy.

Hahaa.. starting the two of them up again

Bullshit. All a girl has to do is say she wants to have sex.

Really? Why don't we put that theory of yours to work then?

Find me a really attractive woman.. and let her find just 5 really attractive men she wants to sleep with.. and let's see how far she gets..

Obviously.., if the woman is very attractive and the guy is less attractive or unattractive.., and inexperiences.., with lower self-esteem.., then yes.., it's extremely easy.., and that's all she has to do.., all a matter of what reality you want to consider Shh! But don't kid yourself.., no one gender has it easier than the other when of similar quality..

[shh!]

Nonsense.

--

[Mish]

Bullshit. All a girl has to do is say she wants to have sex. Obviously, if you are talking about an unattractive girl vs. a pretty boy, he will hold out for something else, but generally speaking, he will be on her like a fly on poop. He probably won't keep her, though... she's too easy.

Vash, I think you are describing horny boys or teenagers not guys who had been around and had sex left and right. They are not as interested in getting laid any more as the guys going through puberty. They've been there and done a lot of that, mission accomplished, they're now interested in a lot of other qualities in women to keep them interested.

Just from personal observation.

[shh!]

Personal experience tells me different. When I was in my 20s, I never had a problem getting single males in their 20s or 30s in bed. Neither did anyone I know. Not teenagers, BTW. I never really dated teenagers.

[Cain]

I tend to find it hard to believe that a woman has to work to get a man in bed, also. Guys don't just have sex once in a day and think "whew... I'm done for a couple days." They have sex once and want sex again as soon as possible. If the girl is attractive, even if the guy is equal... it won't be hard for her to get him in bed.

[shh!]

Sorry guys, it's practically effortless.

[GrkScorp]

I think you are describing horny boys or teenagers not guys who had been around and had sex left and right. They are not as interested in getting laid any more as the guys going through puberty. They've been there and done a lot of that, mission accomplished, they're now interested in a lot of other qualities in women to keep them interested.

Just from personal observation.

She knows that Mish.., it's just something women (and some guys) tell themselves.., to cope with rejection before it occurs..

"I'm not attracted to very attractive men.., or men who are very attractive"

"I can have sex whenever I want and with whoever I want.., I just choose by my own free will to have sex with substandard men so I can keep feeling this way"

Hey.., that's alright.., there are men out there like to make that excuse too.. that "are just not attracted to insanely attractive women.., that have perfectly normal personalities and meet my other standards in character.., culture.., education.., etc" and also believe.., "I can get sex whenever I want.., which whoever I want.., it just so happens that I only want sex from desperate or emotionally unstable women"..

When both are done pretending and lying to themselves.., and realize.., "oh really? is this why you aren't afraid of rejection? Because this thing you tell yourself must definitely be true.., that's why you're there.., waiting for the other person to make the first move.., that's why you wouldn't dare to open up your mouth.., because it would completely crush that false reality you've so elaborately set up to believe"

Beyond that.., you never hear the male ego make such statements.., but it fits perfectly into the needs of a female to feel attractive.., desired.., wanted.., and convince herself and try and sell the idea to the whole world around her.., "I can have any man I want.., I just choose not to.., but all I have to do is offer sex.., and they'll all come crawling.., everyone would willingly have sex with me"..

Now.., let's just be polite.., I know it's important for many young girls and perhaps some older women to feel this way.., it's good for purposes of self-esteem and confidence.., but there's a reason they masturbate to a different man than the one they're having sex with.., there's a reason they drool over men that are simply out of their reach.., and don't like to ever dwell on the fact that "George Clooney.., Tom Cruise.., Pierce Brosnan.., etc" would just never have sex with you..

This mentality is so ego & self-validation driven.., because of that.., they find it nearly impossible to accept the idea that "hey.., it's ok if Clooney.., Cruise.., Brosnan.., etc" would never have sex with you.., it doesn't mean sh*t.., just because they wouldn't have sex with you doen't make you any less attractive.., desireable.., sexy.., etc.. There are more attractive.., etc people than you out there.., relax.., that doesn't mean you're less important.., and instead of creating these theories.., you should take more time to appreciate yourself.., if a guy you like isn't interested in you.., it's not the end of the world.., you'll live.., you'll survive an other day.., trust me..

It's important to find a man (or woman) who appreciates you.., and maybe you might be inclined to feel that the older you get.., the less attractive you get.., so it won't be long until that gorgeous Adonis moves along to some younger & hotter babe.. (that's a very outdated instinct).. and the instinct may cause you to seek out less attractive or substandard men who you feel "safe" with.., when in reality.., you could have great & just as secure and loyal relationships & sex with better looking or better quality men (or women)..

This is not directed towards you Shh!.., (because you're already married and a mother.., so it's understandable that you're just looking out for other young women when you say this and want to pump up their self-esteem).., but this mentality.., is one of very low self-esteem.. and it's a self-feeding cycle.., leading you to a downward spiral.., feeling depressed that you're not getting the guys (or girls) you want.., and you find yourself settling for other men (or women).., trying to convince yourself that they're great.., that you actually wanted them.., even though you know you're lying to yourself and not entierly happy.., so you try and change them.., or when someone you do really want comes into your life.., you feel frustration and dismiss them.., run away from them.., because you have been your own worst enemy.., pulling your self-esteem down so low.., feeling you're probably not worthy for him (or her).., feeling the need to reject "someone" just to feel that you are selective.., it's the emotionally safer option.. But if your self-esteem was higher.., not artificially.., but realistically.., you simply wouldn't feel this way..

[shh!]

Until you or mish have actually experienced being a female, I don't think you have one ounce of credibility about how easy or difficult it is for a woman to get sex.

[GrkScorp]

Until you or mish have actually experienced being a female, I don't think you have one ounce of credibility about how easy or difficult it is for a woman to get sex.

Look.., for both sexes.., men and women.., it's incredibly EASY to have sex with people who are below your quality.., and substandard.., you simply choose to not have sex with these people..

Women make this choice every single day.., and guess what.., they're not alone.., men make this choice every single day too.., they just don't make a big deal out of it.., because to men.., it's not a big deal.., you don't want to have sex with someone.., big deal.., so what? It doesn't mean because you have standards that you're a better individual or person.., it doesn't imply you are of some greater quality.., the only thing it boils down to.., is you not having sex.., end of story.., sorry to burst your bubble..

When a person's sexual appetite is high.. (and they don't inhibit themselves.., they don't try and control it.., they don't try and pretend that they don't want sex.., that it's this unholy activity that they're beyond.., it's insulting to their intelligence to want sex.., some may even consider it a vulnerablity.., and not want to expose themselves to someone they don't trust.., they don't want to have sex and enjoy sex with someone who they feel may use it as a weapon against them.., so they are guarded).., then.., it's like any other urge.., like hunger or the need to pee.., whatever is edible.., or wherever you can do it without being arrested is perfectly acceptable.., and they seek out anyone.. not anyone special.., that's simply a bonus.., anyone will do.., (in some cases.., even anything.., "like goats for men" & "dogs for women")

Women simply have an image to uphold and comform to.., and a negative image they want to avoid.., but the same urge is still there.. and many women have been honest about that.., they simply choose to then masterbate.., and walk around denying and pretending they simply don't have the same desire for sex.., and it's also easier to do.., because it's a widely accepted stereotype for women.. "girls don't like sex.., and they only fart once a year.., and when they do.., it smells like roses"..

We get it.., we see the need for the whole act.., the whole facade.., and we understand the social pressure and importance of your image.., and the need to pretend this is how things are for the rest of the world to see.., but don't take it too seriously.., and don't go overboard with pretending that's the way things really are.., and definitely don't go a step beyond that and find yourself in a manic-like ego-transe state.., the only person you're convincing is yourself..