I'm confused

[Hanawk]

Hello everyone:

This is my 1st time here and I'm looking for advice. I have a boyfriend since February 2007, I'm divorced with 2 kids and I have never had another boyfriend beside the one who was my husband. Now, with this new person in my life everything seems so different that I don't know if it is me or what?

Well, here is the deal. I met my boyfriend last year. We have been together since 2007 and I haven't even met one of his friends yet. I told him that I was interested in meeting with his mom but he told me to wait to meet his parents bcause he's not ready to introduce me to them yet cause (according to him) he has a lot of explanation to give to them. He said that bcause I'm hispanic, my accent is thick, I'm divorced, and have 2 kids is a big deal for his parents. He also didn't want nobody from our job (we worked for the same department but in different places) to know about us been together because, according to him that will give us problems. I have seem a lot of couples in my job been together and also getting married and they haven't have any problems yet. But to avoid discussions with him I did what he told me, I never told anyone.

First of all being a hispanic person is not a sin, my accent might be thick but at least people can understand me, I'm not the first divorced woman with kids that wants to have another chance, and he is older enough to make his own decisions (35 yrs. old).

He comes to visit me during the week like from 1:00 to 5:00 and then lives early cause he wants to make sure that by the time his mom gets home he is doing something in the house (if not she'll start complaining). I bearly see him on the weekends. He say, almost all the time, that he has to go fishing on the weekends. On holidays I never see him. I have seen him for like maybe 1 or 2 holidays only and that was this year because I mentioned it to him. I feel very insecure adn I have asked him if it is that he is married or has another girlfriend and he swears to death that that is not the case. He asks me to understand him. I understand the fact that he still lives with his mom and doesn't work in a stable job yet and parents always want to see their sons having good jobs, a house, and ready for a family. He always tells me to give him time, he wants to find a stable job and buy a house before introducing me to his family and friends. But I don't see him doing anything to reach these goals. The only thing he mentions the most is the idea of him joining the military services. I'm scare now that he might join the military and never come back because soldiers are going there just to find their death. I talked with him a couple of months ago and let him know about how was I feeling about this situation and he asked me again to please wait.

I went through a real difficult time last week cause I was thinking about all this so, stupidly I started drinking and I went out for a couple of hours. When I came back he was in my apartment and asked me not to do that again bcause he was very worried about me. I told him I felt lonely and insecure and he hugged me and told me that he couldn't tell me he loved me because he would lie to me but that he did care about me a lot and that was why he was there waiting for me at 2:30 in the morning cause he knew I wasn't okay. But again, I asked him if he could stay the night with me because I wasn't feeling good and I also wanted his company and he said NO. Then, the next day he came to my apartment and told me that he didn't want to loose me and that he would like to spend the rest of his life with me but that he needed time. He almost cried asking me to be patient and told me that honestly he didn't feel love for me but that he cared about me so much that he didn't want to loose me...Now, what is this? What should I do? Help me...because I don't understand why do I love him so much and he can't even feel he loves me after more than one year of relationship. I don't understand why he has to hide our relationship from some people...I'm confused.

[misombra]

for me, i couldn't deal with that.

i am also hispanic. and if my boyfriends family didn't like it, or couldn't accept it, or wouldn't have me at family functions because of it, it would have to be over.

i don't think so much because the family couldn't accept it, but that your boyfriend is too much of a wimp to give them a chance to try to accept you and not hide you away.

it's wrong. you cannot build your life with somebody who will not bring you around his family or friends.

to me, it wouldn't matter how good of a person he was, i wouldn't go on with him. if i were in your shoes.

[misombra]

wait, i just read the rest of your post. he lives with his mom and has no steady job.

girl, that's three strikes.

then he tells you you can't go out drinking?

you'd be crazy to continue with this person. especially having children.

[zoso]

It sounds like he's only emotionally attracted to you. And this has gone on for a year? Oh my.

I'd say end it. Soon.
That, or explain to him what you just told us. You feel hurt because he won't even introduce you to his mother or his friends. Heck, he won't even spend the night when you need him... And he even admits there is no love for you, just that he cares about you a lot.

He sounds more like a friend then a boyfriend. :/

[scattygal]

ok...well im not a fly on the wall so dont have every fact obviously.but..i really think that as already mentioned either he really is a friend(so does care for you)but just cannot, for whatever his own reasons offer you what you deserve..however the one thing that stands out for me,is that you sound like a lovely person who is giving their all and giving lots of understanding to this guy about his feeling and situation..yet youre post reveals that your really not feeling that same understanding back?.which is leaving you feeling confused and empty..not a good situation for you to stay in for much longer,whatever the reasons(sometimes things for both people involved just dont end up the way we want),it is hard when we are emotionally attached to think clearly...but i really think after a year of this you need to somehow clarify how this is going to change for your happyness with immediate effect or else to make a decison that you want more, and find trust in youself that you have a lot to offer and can be free to move on and find someone who will involve you in there life and appreciate you as much as you deserve,and can offer you that love back,he may not mean to leave you feeling this way/or he may not really care at all but the end result is the same...you do feel this way,take good care and best of luck

[Hanawk]

Wow! You hit me hard. This what you say is so true. I need to think more about myself and reflect on what is going on...I'm just so in love and love is supposed to make you feel happy not insecure and confused, but well...you are right someone out there is waiting for someone like me for sure. Thank you so much!