ex called...ugh :(

[starbuck]

Why on earth would a male lie about their age? Was he too young to go drinking?

He was actually 19 years older than me, but had shaved off 10 years when we met. He told me that he was afraid that I would rule him out I had known his real age (which at the time was 51). He's probably right. If I had known, I might have pegged him as out of my age range. (I was in my early 30's). He said he wanted me to get to know him for him first.

We ended up staying together for 4 years, but I could never really get over the age difference. There were other reasons it didn't last, and I suppose I'll end up going into the whole story here on LF someday. It might be worth it for me to get some opinions on it. He was the guy I was with before the sloth.

[shh!]

Wow, that is a really crappy thing for a man his age to lie about, and very telling of his character.

[anachronistic]

We're ready to listen when you are ready to tell.

[Mish]

Don't worry Starbuck, we all have a fair share of bizarre relationship stories

[misombra]

He was actually 19 years older than me, but had shaved off 10 years when we met. He told me that he was afraid that I would rule him out I had known his real age (which at the time was 51). He's probably right. If I had known, I might have pegged him as out of my age range. (I was in my early 30's). He said he wanted me to get to know him for him first.

We ended up staying together for 4 years, but I could never really get over the age difference. There were other reasons it didn't last, and I suppose I'll end up going into the whole story here on LF someday. It might be worth it for me to get some opinions on it. He was the guy I was with before the sloth.

i bet it wasn't the age difference so much as he lied about it. you can never really trust somebody who just lies right off the bat.

now the guy before the sloth.....

i'd love to hear about him.

spill please.

[starbuck]

i bet it wasn't the age difference so much as he lied about it. you can never really trust somebody who just lies right off the bat.

now the guy before the sloth.....

i'd love to hear about him.

spill please.

Ok, here's my long and twisted tale. I'll try to summarize it as succinctly as I can.

He was a very successful music executive with a major record label at the time we met. He was almost 20 years older than me, but had lied about his age when we initially met so at first I only thought he was 10 years older than me. While I was pissed that he lied about his age (I caught him in the lie), he was otherwise a pretty nice guy. I had not really sought out an older man to date, but once the dust settled, I decided to give him another chance even though I had reservations. He was also divorcing an ex wife who had drug and mental problems. She was a good ten years younger than he, so dating younger women had been his M.O. She was living in Aruba, and was all but out of the picture at that point except for meetings with lawyers.

When we first started dating, he swept me off my feet. He took me to the best restaurants, parties, and took me away for amazing vacations. Although I still had some reservations about the age difference (again I was early thirties, he was early fifties), I felt like I was falling in love with him. I honestly felt like I was doing the right thing by moving into his Manhattan apartment with him after a year.

We had a pretty good relationship for the most part. We hardly fought. We respected each other's space. And were very good friends. He didn't seem to be in a rush to get married, and neither was I so we just went with the flow. After four years though, I was starting to have some doubts and I was feeling like I wasn't as in love with him as I wanted to be. But I badly wanted to make things work. He was sweet, supportive, kind, and he treated me like a superstar. I rationalized the doubts away as a typical cooling off stage of the relationship, where you become more like friends and less like lovers. I figured most couples went through this so why should he and I be any different?

One day he surprised me by the revelation that he had taken the steps to get a will and was planning on leaving me his apartment in the event that something happened to him. I told him not to. I told him it was his apartment and he should leave it to his family and not his girlfriend. He was adamant that if something happened to him, he wanted me to have it. I told him I didn't feel right about it.

That's when I started to feel even more conflicted. I was having so many doubts about our relationship, and here he was practically giving me his million dollar apartment. I felt totally undeserving and knew that I needed to deal with this worry about the future of our relationship. I decided to break it off with him since I felt like it wasn't fair of me to stay in a relationship I had so many doubts about. Not fair for him or for me. I moved out and he was devastated. It was painful for me, too, but I felt like I was doing the right thing at the same time.

I'm pretty sure I did the right thing. He still wants me back. Sometimes I want to go back to him, too, but I still have too many doubts about it working out. Plus the age difference is a very big problem for me. I want a partner I can grow old with and that may not be possible with someone twenty years older than me. I know that we can't always control how long our partners are with us, but that fact I would outlive him by so many years does concern me.

I told him a few months after I moved out that he should move on and he said he couldn't. He said I could come back whenever I wanted to. A year later he is still saying this. He still hasn't moved on at all. I have obviously, but I do have times where I miss him dearly. Just are still too many lingering doubts to feel like I can actually try to rekindle things with him.

Ugh...there. My long, bizarre, complicated other relationship. Any thoughts?

[misombra]

sure. if you ever decide to go back to him, do it because there's no doubt in your mind that's what you want.

what kinds of things besides the age difference gives you this doubt?

[starbuck]

sure. if you ever decide to go back to him, do it because there's no doubt in your mind that's what you want.

what kinds of things besides the age difference gives you this doubt?

I felt like I had fallen out of love with him?

[misombra]

do you think he's trying to use his "stuff" to get you to come back to him?

[starbuck]

do you think he's trying to use his "stuff" to get you to come back to him?

What do you mean by stuff? Like material things?

Or do you mean that he's trying to manipulate me?

[misombra]

like his apartment, etc...

[starbuck]

Aside from one recent time that he told me that his place was still "my" place, too, he doesn't really bring up the apartment.

Mostly he just talks about how much he misses me. Everytime I ask him how he's doing, he'll tell me he's horribly depressed and all he can do is think about me. He definitely guilt-trips me alot about the breakup. I tried to cut off contact with him, but he still contacts me, and I don't quite have the heart to be that firm about it. I still really care about the guy.

[anachronistic]

I think ultimately it was the age that bothered you. I doubt that you have fallen out of love with him, though.

You thought the relationship could work out even though he was 20 years older than you, and when he made an effort to try and bring the relationship to the next level, it scared you... you started to ask yourself if you really want to risk having to outlive him as a lover.

Breaking up with him was your way of running away from that pain. I'm sure you still talk to him from time to time - and probably a good enough of a friend still to pay respect at his funeral if god-forbid something did happen to him.

[shh!]

I am very ... inspired (?) to hear you didn't want him to leave you his apartment. It shows excellent character on your part to be able to turn down something so valuable that could so easily have been yours.

I also think you were right to be concerned about the age gap. He is just heading into the time when his aging curve will begin to accelerate, and your aging won't keep pace with his. It is better to be on more equal ground, I think.

[Mish]

I felt like I had fallen out of love with him?

Why?

(There's always a reason)