In the name of the Father

[Dasein]

I have a situation that I really need to vent about. I had very little sleep over it last night. I hope my fellow LF people can understand.

On the weekend I was talking to my Mum. She and Dad are both 71 and getting on. Mum told me that Dad had been doing the will for both of them (my Mum has mild cerebral palsy and is illiterate so my father was the breadwinner and decision maker). Mum told me not to blame her for my Fathers decision to leave both me and my oldest sister out of the will leaving everything to my middle sister, her husband and 3 children.

I was stunned because I always thought Dad and I had a good relationship. I started to get upset and realised that I don’t give two hoots about the money; I was upset because of the lack of love shown by my Father. I asked my Mother what I had done wrong to my Father and she basically said he values his grandchildren so much.

Also as an aside, I have lived knowing that my middle sister gets everything her way due to my Father. When she got married he built a house for her to live in rent free. Since then she has been able to buy a very expensive house because she could save up the money. She put an extension on the house Dad built her and she made him pay her the $70,000 she spent on it even though she has no intention of moving. Her children are always looked after by my parents. I guess I am mentioning this because she is never happy, always complaining how tough she has it etc. I also mention it because there is a severe in balance in equity in my family. One child gets everything; the others don’t get a look in. I realise that this is the product of my Father’s decision making and I really shouldn’t be upset with my sister, even though a lot of the time she isn’t a very nice person.

This Sunday is Father’s day and to be honest I am really struggling. I had already bought his gift a few weeks ago. I know that I have to take the high road and go and see him but I feel so empty and numb. I don’t really have a good poker face so people can always detect if I am upset. I’m not sure if I can do it without breaking…..

[shh!]

I feel for you. My mom gave her sole asset (her house) to her youngest child and left the rest of we 4 siblings out of the inheritance. (She decided she didn't need the house anymore when she remarried.) Two of my siblings are still FURIOUS four years later. The other two of us just realize that mom is freakin' crazy, and we should never have expected her to act like a normal human being in the first place.

I would be lying if I pretended we had absolutely no hard feelings for the one sister... after all, the rest of us know for certain we could never have accepted a gift that should have been divided evenly amongst us all. Oh well... like mother, like daughter.

Anyway, I think your anger is justifiable, unless of course, your sister is taking care of your parents and their health needs all by herself. If she isn't, I would tell her that she also inherits all the responsibility for their care when the time comes (and it will). That's what we did.

[ecojeanne]

i think ur fathers decision is possibly wrong, like u said not because of the money but the principle....i cld understand only if u were a lot more self sufficient than ur sis then maybe they just want to make sure the financially weaker sis will be looked after....if thats not the case then ur right to feel the way u do....does ur sis have marital problems? because most women who get divorced end up being the poorest statistically...well here in ireland anyway...dunno about over where u r.

[Dasein]

Thanks shh!

It actually helps when I hear other people's stories.

I think the idea of taking responsibility for care of my parents is an option. The only thing is my sister is a classic at playing the martyr. She has it SO hard all the time (apparently). I'm not sure if I could endure her martyrdome if she took care of my parents. I know she would make me pay somehow.

[Dasein]

i think ur fathers decision is possibly wrong, like u said not because of the money but the principle....i cld understand only if u were a lot more self sufficient than ur sis then maybe they just want to make sure the financially weaker sis will be looked after....if thats not the case then ur right to feel the way u do....does ur sis have marital problems? because most women who get divorced end up being the poorest statistically...well here in ireland anyway...dunno about over where u r.

Financially I would say that I am the worst off actually. My sisters marriage is very strong and my parents LOVE my brother in law (he IS very good to them and a nice man). The only difference between me and my sisters is that I am not married with kids.

[shh!]

I suppose if you have a good relationship with your sister, you can tell her your plan to let her assume all care since she is getting the whole inheritance. If she wants your help, she will know that she should speak to your father about this right away.

[Dasein]

I suppose if you have a good relationship with your sister, you can tell her your plan to let her assume all care since she is getting the whole inheritance. If she wants your help, she will know that she should speak to your father about this right away.

Unfortunately my relationship with this sister is tenuous. She is an extremely self centred, selfish person who believes that the world revolves around her and her children. Not so long ago I called her on her behaviour and she didn't take it too well. We are on speaking terms however it is strained at the moment.

[Tedel]

You know? You're complaining about nothing. Money is just money, absolutely useless if not used to buy things.

Don't let envy damage your family. Go celebrate your father's day, hug him, kiss him and enjoy him while he is still alive.

********************************

As for your sister, she might be manipulating him. Start exploring that option, but without obsessions, OK?

[ecojeanne]

Tedel...i dont think its bout the money at all....i think its about the decision that was made excluding her....no matter what i can understand why she feels less loved

[misombra]

wow that sounds like a terrible situation. do you think you'll talk to your parents about it?

[thesameguy]

do any of you have any kids (besides your middle sister)? Maybe your dad does really love a lot his grandchildren so leaving everything to her seems reasonable to him (you know so his grandchildren have something).
I'm telling you this because my grandfather has said a lot of times that his leaving everything to us ( his grandchildren) and nothing to my uncles, aunts, dad.
I don't know; I wouldn't worry too much. Just try to be happy for her or whatever. To tell the truth I don't expect any of my parents to leave me anything when they die.
Anyways, remember to enjoy your parents now because once they're gone, they are gone, so go to your dad's on Sunday and give him a kiss and a hug and try to act happy even if you're not

[ecojeanne]

thesameguy the thing is for example its like her parents inviting her sis and family away on a family holiday and purposely not inviting her.....its the 'exclusion' not the money

[Dasein]

Tedel...i dont think its bout the money at all....i think its about the decision that was made excluding her....no matter what i can understand why she feels less loved

Precisely. I don't care about money. I am one of the least materialistic people around. It is about love. I feel that my Father doesn't love me. Simple as that...and it hurts like hell

And Tedel I am not full of envy. I guess I am just at a loss as to why there would be such a disparity. It's hard to put out of one's mind when I feel I have done nothing wrong, and I thought that Dad and I had a fine relationship.

Misombra -I don't think I am in a position to discuss this with my Father. He is very closed off at the best of times. If I did discuss it he would think I was being money grabbing which I certainly am not.

thesameguy - my eldest sister has a child but they are estranged. I don't have children and I don't intend to (which my family is aware of). This could be a contributing factor however I am not 100% sure.

I am taking my partner with me on the weekend for support. He is completely astonished by this just as much as I am.

[ecojeanne]

my eldest sister has a child but they are estranged. I don't have children and I don't intend to (which my family is aware of). This could be a contributing factor however I am not 100% sure.

i think u may have hit the nail on the head...if thats the case its ridiculous and is infact a form of parental bullying but at least maybe (if its true) this gives u more clarity as to why ......and that its unrelated to how ur dad feels about YOU rather he's angry at ur choices but still loves u...

[misombra]

wow. i'm looking forward to the same difficulties as my dad is giving me his estate when he dies. i'm the youngest child. and my older sister will be crazy along with the rest of my family as my dad owns my grandparents house which sits on nice, big, fertile land.