Wonderfully Horrible Situation

[ty613]

I signed up for this forum because I am in desperate need of an external party to scrutinize and judge my situation.

I am currently engaged and have been with this woman for 4 years. I proposed in December 2007 and the wedding date is set for Early Summer 2009.

Right off the bat I just want to say that I love the woman I am engaged to and there are no major problems. No cheating, beating, unfaithfulness, etc. We live together, have a dog together, we are practically married at this point. She is attractive, funny, smart, a definite catch. She is also humble and loves me dearly - a real sweetheart. Things are not perfect though, nothing ever is. We have our problems and I know this sounds bad but I don't feel as if she is my one and only, but on the other hand it is not like I go out looking anymore either. There is a definite physical attraction and I enjoy her company. It all adds up to the fact that if this is it, then it ain't too bad. Definitely something I can be content with for the rest of my life.

Now the other woman. When I was younger i was seriously involved with who I thought was then and who I still think is my soul mate. She wasn't ready for anything serious and neither was I - we were late teens early 20's. We were young and stupid, she didn't know what she wanted at that time in her life so she ended things with me and moved into a series of bad relationships. I hung around for a while trying to get her back and after a while I just gave up. However, whether or not we were together or apart there was always a strong spiritual/physical connection. Whenever something would happen in my life she would call because she knew something was wrong and vice-versa. It is truly the strangest, yet most comforting feeling I have ever experienced and cannot explain it fully.

As time went by there was sporadic e-mail/phone contact between us coupled with stints of hanging out and there was friendly banter whenever we talked. Definitely nothing of substance was ever talked about so I completely wrote her off thinking wow, this is never going to happen. Time went by and she got engaged and I got engaged. Just recently she contacted me again and wanted to meet up for lunch. I had serious concerns about seeing her in person again. I wondered what this would do to my psyche and I guess I wanted to protect my current life situation. I just didn't know how I would react when I saw her in person.

I knew I was screwed when I caught that first glimpse of her. My knees weak, knots in my stomach, everything. No problem, I can hide my emotions with the best of 'em, hell, I work in PR. I did an excellent job of hiding my emotions like usual, but something unexpected happened. Friendly banter turned into serious conversation and all the good times, bad times, regrets and scars were brought out into the open. I removed my protective shell and she cried for a while and said she missed me and I was the best thing in her life. What really threw me for a loop was when she said, "I just wanted to see if you are still the same person, the person I love with all my heart". Wow, i was speechless. My soulmate is sitting in front of me telling me this and we are both engaged to other people.

Where things really get complicated is being with her felt natural, it felt right. It downright felt like home. Not sure how it happened, but lunch took about 4 hours and it felt as if 10 minutes had passed. When we left she gave me a hug and I had never felt more alive in my life. After all those years that connection is still there and stronger than ever.

It is hard for me to continue on the same path now. I really have no idea what to do. Whatever decision I make there are casualties. If I choose to go down my current path I lose out on my soul mate and an opportunity to be with the woman of my dreams. If I choose to veer off the current path, my fiance would be completely devastated.

Each choice is devastating...

[Petit Papillon]

Well...It seems like You have never got over her... But You should. She seems for You like a soul mate now,because You were not talking for years,and she's like Your dream that didn't come true.But if she would be Your soulmate,she wouldn't let You go then,just to find out if there are some better guys out there.Now she found out that You was the best thing that she has ever had,but it should be too late.It's normally ,that if she was Your first true love,that when You see her it's like a bomb in Your head but why You want to ruin something You have built with another woman.I know You may have the feeling for the rest of Your life,that maybe You could live another,that maybe You could be more happier.But this is life.It's the art of choise.You always have to choose between two things.In this situation between two persons.But think if it's worth that.It would be different if it would be a matter of one year or two. But You already designed Your life with other person,and now she's back from another space to tell You that she misses You.Think about it.Think who do You really love .It's not about butterflies in stomack, it's something bigger.

[ecojeanne]

this kinda sounds like a story from a movie :a heartwrenching drama.....have u overestimated the feeling u have of the good ol times for luv? its hard to switch off feelings here, but lets be practical for a sec.....r u 100% sure u want to to mess up ur current situation to spend the rest of ur life with the old flame???? when some people finally get together they sometimes realise this person (soulmate) is the complete opposite of them and drives them crazy with minor practical things but enuf to break up.....u spent 4 years with ur gf...r u sure u shld be with her?....if ur thinking about getting back with an old flame then do u really think ur that committed to ur current gf?

[kene]

Wow, this one is tough.

I don't know the answer. I think YOU have to choose, but would warn that part of the attraction to your soul mate there is hunt being better than the catch. And it could fade.

I definitely would not want to be you right now.

[starbuck]

First off, I don't think it's good to stay in a relationship out of fear of hurting the other person. Stay with your fiancee because you love her and want to make things work with her, not out of the fear of any guilt you might feel if you were to leave.

Right now you just need to do a great deal of soul-searching. You never allowed yourself to have closure with this past love. What if you had? Would you feel differently about your fiancee now?

I also think maybe you shouldn't be thinking in terms of "soulmates." It's way too emotional and metaphysical of a term right now, and you need to be thinking practically.This is a woman from your past that you had strong feelings for. You may excuse her for being "young and stupid," but don't forget that she left you way back when. She gave you up once, how do you know she's not going to do it again? I would be very careful that you are not allowing yourself to see the situation with rosy-colored glasses. Good luck with your situation. I hope that you find the solution that gives you the ultimate happiness.

[shh!]

I think you should never have opened Pandora's box by going out to lunch with the old girlfriend. That was your first betrayal of your fiance, your emotional infidelity was your next. If I were your fiance, I would want to know what's running through your brain. She has a right to decide whether or not she wants to play second fiddle to your fantasy about that other woman. I'll bet she doesn't. I also kind of doubt she'd appreciate your "selfless" gesture of only staying with her so she doesn't have her feelings hurt. I bet she deserves to be genuinely loved by a good, loyal man.

[ty613]

I appreciate all of the feedback. I have thought about this long and hard and there is no way I can leave my current fiance. I would regret that decision for the rest of my life - no doubt about it. As I thought about this more, I think I am in a place in my life where I almost feel like a prisoner. Before I was engaged and living with my fiance I could do whatever I wanted. If I wanted to pick up and move somewhere or change my life's direction I could... Now I can't and it is an adjustment that I will have to get used to.

In the scope of things, I am glad this happened because it gave me an opportunity to really look within myself and figure things out. Once again, I thank you all for your input.

[Dasein]

I appreciate all of the feedback. I have thought about this long and hard and there is no way I can leave my current fiance. I would regret that decision for the rest of my life - no doubt about it. As I thought about this more, I think I am in a place in my life where I almost feel like a prisoner. Before I was engaged and living with my fiance I could do whatever I wanted. If I wanted to pick up and move somewhere or change my life's direction I could... Now I can't and it is an adjustment that I will have to get used to.

In the scope of things, I am glad this happened because it gave me an opportunity to really look within myself and figure things out. Once again, I thank you all for your input.

So you are a prisoner and yet you want to continue with this. Get ready for the divorce court.

[lesa]

So you are a prisoner and yet you want to continue with this. Get ready for the divorce court.

Actually I think it's sort of common for people to feel similar to that after the engagement and on to marriage. They feel that once they find the one that the show is over. No more play, flirts, dating, etc. He may not desire to do these things but the finality of him committing himself to one person for a lifetime can make you wonder. I think it’s realistic to think about it for a second or two. I think those who don’t think about it before marriage end up thinking and acting out things like infidelity or other sabotages in the relationship because they were not sure of themselves. I think you have to go through a phase in engagement to make sure that you are content, balanced and no longer afraid.

Marriage is a different phase of life where you are committed to one but you still play, flirt, and date with your lover.

In short, you have to think about these things to get it out of your system. Afterwards, he will be able to have a happy , loving, and long term growth with his partner. He won’t divorce, because he is sure.

[lesa]

I appreciate all of the feedback. I have thought about this long and hard and there is no way I can leave my current fiance. I would regret that decision for the rest of my life - no doubt about it. As I thought about this more, I think I am in a place in my life where I almost feel like a prisoner. Before I was engaged and living with my fiance I could do whatever I wanted. If I wanted to pick up and move somewhere or change my life's direction I could... Now I can't and it is an adjustment that I will have to get used to.

I think it is very good that you are thinking this way and is sure of yourself.

It's true that with marriage you are entering a different phase of your life and it sounds like you are ready or getting ready to live life with the 'we' mentality instead of the 'I'.

[shh!]

I think those who don’t think about it before marriage end up thinking and acting out things like infidelity or other sabotages in the relationship because they were not sure of themselves. .

Hmm... I didn't do that, and I believe I have been married longer than anyone else on these boards... never cheated, either.

I guess I am a bigger bitch than lesa because I wouldn't take very kindly to a man comparing me to prison while he had the hots for an ex he says is still his "soul mate". Actually, I'd dump his ass flat.

[Dasein]

I guess I am a bigger bitch than lesa because I wouldn't take very kindly to a man comparing me to prison while he had the hots for an ex he says is still his "soul mate". Actually, I'd dump his ass flat.

I'm totally with you.

[lesa]

Hmm... I didn't do that, and I believe I have been married longer than anyone else on these boards... never cheated, either.

I guess I am a bigger bitch than lesa because I wouldn't take very kindly to a man comparing me to prison while he had the hots for an ex he says is still his "soul mate". Actually, I'd dump his ass flat.

Well what can I say, if I knew that my man thought like that of me I would dump him immediately too and feel extremely disappointed. I think I may have been a hypocrite in my post. I was thinking he was nervous but I don't like the prisoner word or feeling that someone other than his fiancee is his soulmate.

I admit I only noticed the last post of the OP and was thinking about fear of commitment in general...and not that drama with calling someone other than the SO a 'soulmate', etc. I would let him go if he didn't feel that I was the one for him.

I only read post #8. Lol...I should read the first post before posting like that.

[ecojeanne]

well i guess thats where the sayin....'the ball and chain' comes from....i feel sorry for ur fiance

[ecojeanne]

and ty613 since u didnt get my first response....what i was sayin was:

ur a drama queeen, thats living in a fantasy and ur fiance wld be a lot better off if u broke up.....