Wonderfully Horrible Situation

[kitty001]

Ty613, dont marry this woman until you're sure you can see yourself happily spending the rest of your life with her and only her. If you don't feel any special connection with her, or can imagine replacing her with someone else who's smart, beautiful, funny, sweet, etc., you should probably reconsider things..
Good luck

[bluesummer]

I guess I am a bigger bitch than lesa because I wouldn't take very kindly to a man comparing me to prison while he had the hots for an ex he says is still his "soul mate". Actually, I'd dump his ass flat.

I second this. If I knew my bf was thinking/acting this way, it would be over. I don't want to be 'settled for' by anyone.

OP, I think you need to rethink your relationship with your fiancee. You are not putting a very positive spin on your relationship....it sounds almost like you're in it because it's not horrible, and too much of a hassle to get out of. What a crappy place to be. Have you ever thought she might be thinking the same way? It's funny how these doubts usually turn out to be two-sided when you get the story out of the other party.

As for the other girl, put her out of your mind until the day you are single again (if that happens). Quite often I've found that people use attraction for another person as an excuse for ending a lacklustre relationship.

[Gigabitch]

I have thought about this long and hard and there is no way I can leave my current fiance. I would regret that decision for the rest of my life - no doubt about it.

You selfish ****. You are not ready to get married. Don't waste this woman's time.

Look, if I determined that my finacee was in love with someone else, I would be devastated, but nowhere near as devastated as I would be if he were my HUSBAND.

Put the wedding on hold. Do not go through with this hurtful, cowardly thing.

[ty613]

All I can say is wow. Wow...

"So you are a prisoner and yet you want to continue with this. Get ready for the divorce court."

I was merely interjecting that being engaged, living with my fiance, owning my own company, having employees that rely on me, etc. kind of puts a little extra weight on my shoulders and this is an adjustment. I cannot just walk away and start over. Surely you understand this.

"I guess I am a bigger bitch than lesa because I wouldn't take very kindly to a man comparing me to prison while he had the hots for an ex he says is still his "soul mate". Actually, I'd dump his ass flat."

I never compared my fiance to a prison, but rather life in general. I also wouldn't say I have the "hots" for an old flame. There is obvious chemistry and an eerie, undeniable connection between the two of us. It must be nice to live in your world without grey.

"I was thinking he was nervous but I don't like the prisoner word or feeling that someone other than his fiancee is his soulmate."

Wow, you are a "prisoner" of group think. I do have to give you credit though, your first post was reasonably logical.

"well i guess thats where the sayin....'the ball and chain' comes from....i feel sorry for ur fiance"

Again, not what I said. Did I ever say anywhere that my fiance is a burden?


This may not have been the best of situations and hindsight has 20/20. Should I have met the old flame for lunch? Absolutely not. However, I will not say what happened was a bad thing. This gave me a chance to take an introspective look at myself and it reaffirmed that I am with the right person.

I asked for honest opinions and I am grateful for everyone who took the time to respond. One thing that does irk me about the responses is the lack of logic and the failure to acknowledge that there are no absolutes in this world. Nothing in life is ever as good as it seems or as bad as it seems.

Thanks again

[ecojeanne]

to be honest you dont sound like a very logical person. If you're engaged to someone then another person shouldn't be able to have that affect on you if you're in love with your fiance. It seems like you have lost touch with reality in the way that described your meeting with the old flame..this is why people asked you not to go ahead with the marraige.....also you can miss your old life...thats normal but not to the point you described to us.....we dont know your situation we can only judge by what you have told us.

[Dasein]

I signed up for this forum because I am in desperate need of an external party to scrutinize and judge my situation.

I am currently engaged and have been with this woman for 4 years. I proposed in December 2007 and the wedding date is set for Early Summer 2009.

Right off the bat I just want to say that I love the woman I am engaged to and there are no major problems. No cheating, beating, unfaithfulness, etc. We live together, have a dog together, we are practically married at this point. She is attractive, funny, smart, a definite catch. She is also humble and loves me dearly - a real sweetheart. Things are not perfect though, nothing ever is. We have our problems and I know this sounds bad but I don't feel as if she is my one and only, but on the other hand it is not like I go out looking anymore either. There is a definite physical attraction and I enjoy her company. It all adds up to the fact that if this is it, then it ain't too bad. Definitely something I can be content with for the rest of my life.

Now the other woman. When I was younger i was seriously involved with who I thought was then and who I still think is my soul mate. She wasn't ready for anything serious and neither was I - we were late teens early 20's. We were young and stupid, she didn't know what she wanted at that time in her life so she ended things with me and moved into a series of bad relationships. I hung around for a while trying to get her back and after a while I just gave up. However, whether or not we were together or apart there was always a strong spiritual/physical connection. Whenever something would happen in my life she would call because she knew something was wrong and vice-versa. It is truly the strangest, yet most comforting feeling I have ever experienced and cannot explain it fully.

As time went by there was sporadic e-mail/phone contact between us coupled with stints of hanging out and there was friendly banter whenever we talked. Definitely nothing of substance was ever talked about so I completely wrote her off thinking wow, this is never going to happen. Time went by and she got engaged and I got engaged. Just recently she contacted me again and wanted to meet up for lunch. I had serious concerns about seeing her in person again. I wondered what this would do to my psyche and I guess I wanted to protect my current life situation. I just didn't know how I would react when I saw her in person.

I knew I was screwed when I caught that first glimpse of her. My knees weak, knots in my stomach, everything. No problem, I can hide my emotions with the best of 'em, hell, I work in PR. I did an excellent job of hiding my emotions like usual, but something unexpected happened. Friendly banter turned into serious conversation and all the good times, bad times, regrets and scars were brought out into the open. I removed my protective shell and she cried for a while and said she missed me and I was the best thing in her life. What really threw me for a loop was when she said, "I just wanted to see if you are still the same person, the person I love with all my heart". Wow, i was speechless. My soulmate is sitting in front of me telling me this and we are both engaged to other people.

Where things really get complicated is being with her felt natural, it felt right. It downright felt like home. Not sure how it happened, but lunch took about 4 hours and it felt as if 10 minutes had passed. When we left she gave me a hug and I had never felt more alive in my life. After all those years that connection is still there and stronger than ever.

It is hard for me to continue on the same path now. I really have no idea what to do. Whatever decision I make there are casualties. If I choose to go down my current path I lose out on my soul mate and an opportunity to be with the woman of my dreams. If I choose to veer off the current path, my fiance would be completely devastated.

Each choice is devastating...

Ok before you go critisizing any more of our posts I was you to RE READ your above post. This is the information YOU have provided. You are just a pussy who will stay with your fiance out of COMFORT AND EASE!

Multiple times you refer to your ex as a SOUL MATE and the WOMAN OF YOUR DREAMS. Yet you are going to SETTLE for second best which is completely unacceptable to your fiance.

You really need to wake up to yourself. Be a man a let you fiance have a man who will call HER a soul mate. You sure as hell won't.

I'm sorry I try to be impartial in these things but your post says it in black and white. So WHAT if you have a stressful job? What you basically are saying is that you have a stressful job so therefore it is easier not to rock the boat and remain with the status quo while dreaming about your SOUL mate.

Take a good read of some of the other posts on this forum...ie married men who are unhappy and are looking elsewhere. You have a chance to PREVENT this for happening. Do the right thing.

[lesa]

Wow, you are a "prisoner" of group think. I do have to give you credit though, your first post was reasonably logical.

I have my own mind and I choose to participate in this group. My first post is my own opinion about fear of commitment and I thought that was what you meant but I failed to realize that you consider someone else your soulmate. How would you feel if your fiancee felt the exact same way that you do? This is not a healthy relationship and probably will not be a healthy marriage. If you feel that you are in prison then set yourself free...your sentence term is over if you want. No need to stay with someone and want another.

[starbuck]

I have to say, the more you post Ty, the more I agree with the posters who are telling you to consider breaking it off with your fiancee.

Your marriage should not be a like business arrangement. You should stay with your fiancee out of love and respect and the DESIRE to have her be your partner for the rest of your life. Not for comfort and ease.

I don't know how much I believe in "soulmates" quite honestly, which is why I gave you the first response I did. But when you said that you "felt like you were in prison", that was very very telling.

You should be excited about your forthcoming marriage, not torn. Most couples I know who get engaged are ELATED. If you don't feel this way, that is a very big sign that you should not marry your fiancee.

[bluesummer]

I was thinking more along of the lines that you don't feel the same 'connection' to your fiancee as you do this other woman. You said it yourself, that she was your soulmate and that she made you feel alive again. So what does that make your fiancee? Second best? You feel dead when you're with her? What made you even feel the need to see this other woman again, especially when you're about to marry someone else? Do you really feel something or did you just need to have your ego fed?

Look, bottom line is that your words and actions have been very contradictory. I think you read what you wrote and feel guilty for saying it out loud and are now backtracking. Again, if my bf did any of this, said any of the things you said, I definitely wouldn't be marrying him and we'd be having a serious discussion about the future of our relationship. Having any sort of feelings for someone else, in my mind, is 100% unacceptable, nevermind referring to them as a 'soulmate'.

Just be real with yourself. That's all I'm saying.

[lesa]

His whole post can be summarized into one sentence: "I feel attracted to the other woman more than my fiancee."