I don't get it

[SuperTech]

Hi everyone.

I have this situation at work. I have a co-worker in my department that I'll call Clara. We have known each at work for about 2 years. For the past few months, we have gotten pretty close. She even invited me out to our company picnic with her brothers and sisters (mostly out-of-towners in for the weekend). We do extra things for each other at work, comfort each other in times of hardship, talk about things she doesn't talk to anyone else about, etc.

At this company picnic, we had our picture taken together. One of the other co-workers thought we were dating and told Clara this. Clara made a special point to tell me this story (I wasn't there when the co-worker said this). Sounds like dropping hints, doesn't it?

I wanted to take things to the next level, so I sent her an e-mail asking that I wanted to talk to her in private. She e-mails back that she is busy and that's OK, there's always tomorrow. Well the next day she calls in sick.

So forward to next week and she doesn't even bring up the subject. So the next day I e-mail her again. I then approach her later on that same day asking if she'll be around at all and she makes up some lame excuses about how she isn't going to be there. I wait until the next day and she flies out of office, not even saying goodbye to me as is her usual custom.

The next day I'm really pissed and totally ignore her. She planned this company lunch for everyone that day and I told her I wasn't coming. She then saves a plate for me from this lunch and has other people tell me "Clara saved you a plate". She keeps shoving this plate of food at me, as if she's really doing something special for me. What are these, mind games now?

I'm so ticked that this so called "friend" of mine cannot take 5 minutes out of her day to talk to me. She doesn't even know what my question is, nor does she care to find out. Am I wrong for being ticked? Let's assume that she knows I want to ask her out and she doesn't want to date me. Won't the mature thing to do would be to at least hear me out and let me down gently? I could accept that, really, I could! We could continue being friends, but alas, I feel that I'm being used.

Thanks for letting me vent.
SuperTech

[NuttinLikeLove]

Why vent here??? Take your post and reword it and send it to her in an e-mail. You are letting her play the mind games with you. By the sounds of what you are saying, you wouldn't mind going to the next step with her but it is not the end of the world if she had reasons against it. And she may just have a good reason for not wanting to go further with things. Like the old professional rule of keeping business and personal separate. Sounds like she is just nervous about what you may ask. Yet, she still cares by the plate game she played. So cut right to the chase and just flat out e-mail her and say ... Yo, what's going on here. Do it on the friendly terms that you already have established and make her well aware that her answer is not going to ruin your friendship because that is more important but you would certainly be interested in finding out if there could be more. You worded your post well enough so I don't see you would have problems wording a personal e-mail to her with the same care.

Good Luck!!!

[SuperTech]

Why vent here??? Take your post and reword it and send it to her in an e-mail. You are letting her play the mind games with you.

Well, that's a nice idea, but I don't want to sound desperate or overbearing. I'm sure any e-mail I would write like that would be possible grounds for a sexual harassment lawsuit! I think I have to just come to terms that this so called "friend" of mine was just using me. The next time a woman says men are jerks, I'm going to laugh, because women can be jerks too.

Thanks for the advice.

[swimmingNreverie]

She's most likely someone who freaks out easily if a friend of hers is interested in her, and she doesn't return the feelings. Chances are, she DOES know why you wanted to talk to her in private--its not too hard for girls to pick up on those things. And she freaked. Maybe she's interested in someone else, or dating someone else, or maybe she just doesn't want to tell you that she doesn't feel the same way. What she's doing is rude, but its probably the only way she can think to react. Since she saved a plate for you and stuff, she obviously doesn't want to lose your friendship, but she's being cautious. And yes, it is mind games, but she probably doesn't know what else to do.

I say give her the cold shoulder. It'll bother her, and then she'll probably try harder to talk to you.

[SuperTech]

Thanks swimmingNreverie. I should also mention this woman is in her early 30's and not a teenager. I would hope by now that someone that was 30 years old would be mature enough to talk to me instead of acting like an immature schoolgirl. I've been approached by women in the past who I turned down for dates and I always did it in a gentle way. I did not go and hide or try to avoid them.

[swimmingNreverie]

Well, just like some guys never grow up, there are girls that don't either.

I dunno, thats just what I see in it. I'm only 20, but I know older girls who still behave that way sometimes. Maybe its something different, but I don't know what it could be.