I don't know what to do...

[tequierocb]

Hello....
So I'm totally crazy about my bf... We've been together for a year but we're doing great....
I have a problem though.... You see his family well lets say his mother doesn't necessarily love me.... I recently learned that at the beginning of our relationship she used to tell him that she didn't like me, that I wasn't the girl for him... and all those nice things....
Apparently his best friend did the same thing and I didnt even know.... they were all so fake around me I thought everything was fine...
My boyfriend held on, he believed in me and in our relationship and we're great together.... but still I can't help but feel shitty knowing his mom was so fake with me, she acts like nothing ever happened and sometimes she tells me distasteful things... and really Im tired of it!

You see I don't have a family, I just moved in to this new country in Europe... I have nobody... I never really did. So My family skills suck... I dont know how to act. I know she's his mom and always will be... I know she comes first!
But how can I make her stop being so hurtful?

I never know whe she attacks...

I know I'm not a family girl, I'm not well off money wise... Im 20, I work hard, Im starting to study, Im a good person....

Any advice?

I dont want to put him in the middle of this.... What would you guys do?

[bluvbyto]

just smile.never show your hatred towards them..continue treating her mom and his best friend kindly but be aware of what they do...

[rabuifoi]

This is a problem that you will need to tackle with time. In time they will learn to accept you.

However, on a greater note, look at your situation differently. Against all adversity, (including a mother and a best friend, 2 of the strongest influences on a guy) he has chosen to stay with you.

I think you should cherish what you have even if it doesn't work out with his mother and friend. But, don't go running around telling them you don't like them. Be yourself and smile maybe?

If they don't accept you for who you are, then too bad for them. It doesn't concern you. What concerns you is what your boyfriend thinks, and at the moment from what i've read, your boyfriend thinks quite highly of you. Cherish it and dont let his mother and friend get you down.

[Lipp]

To be honest if I was in that situation I'd just put it out there and ask "What the hell is your issue with me?".

It puts it out there so that you have a chance to at least argue the point, maybe even convince a bit. Otherwise it'll just eat at things while soon you'll all hate eachother without really knowing why.

[shh!]

Of course she will be polite to you when she sees you. What did you expect her to do? Sit you down for tea and list out all the reasons she doesn't like you?

I suggest you find out from your boyfriend what specifically she doesn't like. If he is honest with you, the nature of the list he gives you will tell you whether or not his mother's concerns are legitimate (and sorry, but they MAY be). You may be able to change some things, and others she may be able to learn to live with. Also, the list will tell you if his mother is just plain crazy. (If she is, I'd forget about a long-term arrangement.)

And sorry, but I think the family's opinion IS important. They may not always be correct in their opinions of outsiders, but they (presumably) love your boyfriend and want what's good for him, and they may be able to see things that the two of you - blinded by love/infatuation - can't see. Ultimately, they should have a vote, but not the veto.

Besides, I don't know how long-term you see this becoming, but a girl should never want to marry into a family that doesn't like her. Those people can make your life miserable.

[tequierocb]

Hey, I guess all of you are pretty much right....
I know they all supposedly love my boyfriend and want what´s best for him.... but they shouldn´t make his life miserable because of who he chooses to go out with (specially since I don't present any threat to his health and sanity)...
I guess I should just smile and push on forward politely until they learn to accept me....

Its just that Im so highly impulsive and I really have to bite my tongue not to get into any confrontation with anyone... because I can't stand being stepped on. It's just not fair.

I wish there was a magic way I could make people stop being so rude....

[shh!]

Maybe they object to your being highly impulsive.

[tequierocb]

They probably do, I am impulsive because I have to.... if I'm not I would never be able to make a living or to face the world or anything!
You see its just so much cultural difference!

I was raised... well I raised myself in the USA.... Florida.... you know people are outgoing, speak their minds, fight for what they believe in.....

and here in Spain its just so different.... People seem like they are angry, they never talk about what bothers them, they like ¨maintaining¨ they appearance.... its just ridiculous...


However I think its more then culture shock....
I think its a class thing.... that I don't measure up (although I do... just because Im not rich it doesn't mean I'm a bad person)

[shh!]

Impulsivity is usually associated with youth and/or immaturity. Maybe they think he is too old for you.

[survivor08]

maybe you should reach out to his mom, and share your feelings about a nuclear family, and your shortcomings from it. Be honest and see if that gets you closer to bonding with his mom. Try it. Win her over. You are latina?

[Mish]

I wish there was a magic way I could make people stop being so rude....

Well there is one, it's called sucking up and it can do wonders. If nothing else works, give compliments, gifts, find out what she likes and fill that gap. I've seen the most despised people get away with murder like that.

[damn2008]

It can take some time to win over a family...especially a mother. Some things will just fall into place naturally and if your b/f is happy with you and DISPLAYS this (both vocally and physically) around his family, then it can reflect positively for you on their opinion of you.

However, maybe he has shared some stuff with them regarding you that he is not happy with?