Ways to break it off... how about this???

[toto]

I have a feeling this wont go down too well in here but i want to get it out there.

I want to break it off with my girlfriend but want it to be a mutual decision....except she doesn't know it yet. What do I do.

We have been to gether for comming 4 years. We have bought a house 5 months ago. and have been living together for nearly 3 years. I am 25 and she is 27.

My reason is because i just feel that i want/need to be single. I have cheated on her 6 times even though Im not proud. Each time i have, i have felt a buzz which im not getting from our relationship. We seem to have our life mapped out and Im not ashamed to say that it scares me. I drift in and out of being for and aginst the relationship but ultamitly i do love her and dont want to hurt her(despite my actions).

She is committed to us and talks about babies and marriage. We have had and have friends getting married and it raises the question for us. When I thought about it, i thought really by this stage we should have got engagged so why not??? The answer is that deep down dont see me growing old with her, but everything in our life says we will.

Taking this in to consideration, i want to break it off. But I dont want to destroy her, which is what would happen if i just dropped the bomb.(she is a very stressfull person and has had a break down 10 years ago). I believe the best decision is to put some distance between us in our lives (start going out with my mates more, etc). We argue alot but they alway blow over in minutes, I am not happy that we do get over them so easily like its normal so could make more on them. And well generally grow distant.

I know this make me sound like a Fu@|<3R but a Im here looking for constructive advice to end it the best way. I do find it hard to break it off with some one as i have never had to do it.

All advice welcome!

[Cain]

Just man up and break it off.

[shh!]

I think the least painful way is to be honest with her. Why torture her by making her wonder what you are up to, are you cheating, is it her fault, blah blah blah. Just be a man and say, "I'm sorry. It's my fault".

[GrkScorp]

I'm here looking for constructive advice to end it the best way.

Best way to end it:

- Hey sweetie.., there's something I want to tell you.. The thought just came to me as I was thinking about all our other friends and what they're doing with their lives.. We've been going out for four years now.., and.., well.., I think it's about time.., wow.., I didn't realize how hard it would be for me to say this.., I'm so nervous.., (deep breath).., Jane.. (her: oh my g-d! ah! I can't believe it!) I'm breaking up with you.. (her: what?)

Now.., seriously..

Guy to guy here.. I'm not judging.., but let's cut out the act and excuses for just a moment and be perfectly honest to each other and to ourselves..

What's the real reason you're so motivated to end things? Don't feel bad about it.., I'm not judging.., and she's not reading.. Be honest.. Is it really her breakdown years ago? Is it really the little fights? Is it really for these minor issues? Is it really because of her at all?

I'm not going to say something weak like "I think".., but I will say.., I know.., without a reasonable doubt.., just form the language you've used.., and weak evidence to show cause.., that all those "reasons" for you breaking up with her are a cover-up story.. For her to hear.., for others to hear.., and for you to believe and convince yourself of.. It's something you tell yourself and everyone else.., because you're aware of the real reason behind why you're so motivated to break things off.., you know it quite well.., but thinking about it makes you feel guilty.., like a bad person.., go ahead.., say it.., like a jerk..

Sure.., it's easier to live in a lie.. Put a carpet over a hole in the floor.., but it doesn't make it any safer to walk on.. You know what the real reason is.., and I know what the real reason is.. So if you don't want to admit it to yourself.., please.., allow me..

You find her sexually boring.. When you first met.., you enjoyed having sex with her.., sex was fun.., pleasant.., then routine.., then dull.., and now you look at her.., dressed all plain.., not the least bit sexy.., and she doesn't turn you on whatsoever..

You look around you.., to a world of gorgeous young little things walkimg all over the place.. Thin.., toned.., full perfectly shaped breasts.., nice tan.., silky smooth hair.., ideal blowjob lips.., supermodel legs.., tight little teenage ass.., dressed sexy.., without a hint of cellulite or flab on her.., not a single stretch-mark or wrinkle.. Young.., feminine.., hot.., new.., exciting.. You're still young and there's so many of them!

And then you look at your girlfriend of four years.. and you can't take it anymore! You want out! You want exciting sex.. You want to mount a work of art on your c0ck every week.. You feel you're too young to be trapped in a life full of dull sex.. She won't even dress sexy.., she just looks so plain and normal.., she can't even turn you on anymore even if she tried her best.. But you know how wrong it would be to break things off because of this.., so you find the need to create new reasons that are plausible.., and you can deny your real motives and comfortably hide behind your story..

What you don't know.., is "why" you know it's wrong.. That's really where it gets interesting..

What is sex? Two bodies.., seperated by what might as well be a universe between them.. But for some reason.., they find themselves together.., less and less apart.. now.., the purpose behind it is reproduction.. But the act itself goes beyond just that..

Today.., sex doesn't always mean reproduction.., so you have to wonder.., why people have sex.. Pleasure is definitely one component behind it.., a very small one.., but it's still in there.. The act itself is symbolic.. When you feel bonded.., connected.., like there is no distance between the two of you.., emotionally.., intellectually.., spiritually.. Your bodies start to come closer and closer together.., and for moments.., they're inseparable..

The best sex you'll ever have.., won't be motivated by physical attraction or lust.. The act itself is symbolic.., nature's way of expressing how your love for each other has brought the two of you together.., connecting.., enjoying both giving and receiving pleasure.., enjoying the act of accepting each other.., and choosing to bring a life into this world.. If this hasn't been the kind of sex you've been having with the 6 women you've cheated on.., you're missing out..

Your urge for sex.., can manifest itself in many forms.. You've been conditioned to embrace only the physical form.. But perhaps you haven't come to be aware of the emotional form.. The physical form fails in comparison.. To thrust a part of you into your partner.., to make a statement with your body that you accept her completely and fully.., that you want her to be the mother of your children.., and to feel comfortable and willing to release part of yourself inside of her..

What you're overlooking.., unfortunately.., is that in your quest to have better sex.., you are ultimately giving up perhaps the best sex you will ever have.. The best sex you can have is with your wife.., with the person you feel that deep and powerful.., virtually inseperable bond and connection to.. The reason you haven't experienced that yet.., is because instead of putting in the time.., energy and effort into cultivating that emotional connection.., you've been busy chasing the physical aspect of sex.., both mentally and physically..

I've said all I had to say.. You don't have to keep everything you read in this post floating around and lingering in your head from now on.., I have no doubt you will take a valuable lesson as you finish reading this post.., but I fear you'll truly understand it only when it's too late..

Best,

GrkScorp

[Mish]

I want to break it off with my girlfriend but want it to be a mutual decision....except she doesn't know it yet. What do I do.

Doing this "mutual decision" thing when it is clear that you are guilty and are the wrong person for her, would make you into a hypocrite and a coward.

You should come out and say that you are not right for her, that you have treated her unfairly in the past and you will continue to hurt her if this relationship continues. You are leaving because your conscience is tormenting you and you have to do the right thing by her and end this relationship. Then you should apologize to her.

I wouldn't recommend for you to do anything short of that.

[Zatguy]

I have a feeling this wont go down too well in here but i want to get it out there.

I want to break it off with my girlfriend but want it to be a mutual decision....except she doesn't know it yet. What do I do.

We have been to gether for comming 4 years. We have bought a house 5 months ago. and have been living together for nearly 3 years. I am 25 and she is 27.

My reason is because i just feel that i want/need to be single. I have cheated on her 6 times even though Im not proud. Each time i have, i have felt a buzz which im not getting from our relationship. We seem to have our life mapped out and Im not ashamed to say that it scares me. I drift in and out of being for and aginst the relationship but ultamitly i do love her and dont want to hurt her(despite my actions).

She is committed to us and talks about babies and marriage. We have had and have friends getting married and it raises the question for us. When I thought about it, i thought really by this stage we should have got engagged so why not??? The answer is that deep down dont see me growing old with her, but everything in our life says we will.

Taking this in to consideration, i want to break it off. But I dont want to destroy her, which is what would happen if i just dropped the bomb.(she is a very stressfull person and has had a break down 10 years ago). I believe the best decision is to put some distance between us in our lives (start going out with my mates more, etc). We argue alot but they alway blow over in minutes, I am not happy that we do get over them so easily like its normal so could make more on them. And well generally grow distant.

I know this make me sound like a Fu@|<3R but a Im here looking for constructive advice to end it the best way. I do find it hard to break it off with some one as i have never had to do it.

All advice welcome!

Straight and simple
BREAKING UP ISN'T MUTUAL
YOU WANT TO BREAK UP BECAUSE YOU DON'T WISH TO HAVE HER IN YOUR LIFE
BREAK UP FAST AND SOFT
AND DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT TELL HER YOUR BREAKING UP BY PHONE/EMAIL/TEXT/WHATEVER
TELL HER FACE TO FACE AND FACE HER YELLINGS

[toto]

Firstly, thanks for all the comment. I really have taken in all that was said.

I am searching for a way to leave this relationship because of my actions….but not just that. I am the kind of person who assess things and looks for reasons and answers. Through out our relationship I have been assessing it…is she right for me, am I right for her, do we have fun, do we make each other laugh, are we after the same things… At different stages I could say yes and no for every question.

She is a good person but a stressful person. I am not a stressful person. I therefore live with stress. We have argued a lot, and she is the one who escalates the situation, short temper, cursing, shouting, even getting physical. I want to stress I don’t get physical!!! One new years eve, after a lot of drink we had a very bad fight and when finally said we are finished she snapped and started hitting me and spitting. Not very nice. The next day she showed so much remorse I put it be hind us and moved on. Yet still it chips away at the relationship….

We have had other fight when she goes through the stages of a fight and strikes out or throws and smashes something. But I know she is acting under some inner stress that is naturally inside her( the way she was brought up or something as her mum is like this) What I want to get across is that I keep looking at the relationship and ask my self is this what I want for the rest of my life? But she has an incredible kind side that I couldn’t give justice to on this post. I am continually weighing up the pros and cons and believing it will get better. (Ultimately I don’t want a relationship like my parents had.)

Recently I have ask myself the question why haven’t we got engaged like our friends. The answer is I am still assess our relationship to see if I want to marry her!!!! After 4 years that tells me something is wrong. I am weighting for the relationship to get up to a standard that I can commit to. I know it is only a matter of time before I get the balls to end it or she finds out about the things I have done.

To night we had a fight. My dad and partner have come to visit and we have quietly fought in another room, then as it escalates, she throws a HOT mug of tea over my back…I am typing this with no shirt on so it can cool. This is bad even for us. I don’t know what I’m more annoyed abut. The fact it happened or the fact my dad is here (although he I haven’t told him I’m guessing he knows). Its ridiculous.

I have told her to leave me alone and under tears she has (just about).

I plan to say about why I feel we are not engaged. Why our lives are made harder by the fact we react badly to each other comments or actions, the little things that shouldn’t cause a problem but for us do. And that the physical violence is more than I am prepared to take.

I haven’t really responded to your propping question and comment but I have a lot to get off my chest and feel I need to act now.

Our lives are so entwined

[shh!]

Physical violence is a deal breaker for me. I don't think you should tolerate it for one minute longer. Pack her things and tell her to go.

[Dasein]

toto you want an easy way out - there isn't one. You will just have do do it like pulling of a bandaid..quickly!

If you have constant doubts, have cheated, and experience physical violence then you need to end it soon.

[damn2008]

Sounds like she just gave you your instigation right there...throw hot tea on you? That's really really REALLY pushing it with the physical violence.

Lay it all out on her, she needs to know it about herself and you want to get free. She's taken it to an extreme so don't question yourself any longer or feel you're going to be the "bad guy"...you just have to be honest with your feelings.

I know what you're feeling, man...when it's right, it's RIGHT...but you know and feel that this isn't right and that's why you have doubts about marriage.

Break it off already before she starts throwing knives at you.

[Charlie Boy II]

She threw hot tea on you?! What a crazy bitch.

[IndiReloaded]

Firstly, thanks for all the comment. I really have taken in all that was said.

I am searching for a way to leave this relationship because of my actions….but not just that. I am the kind of person who assess things and looks for reasons and answers. Through out our relationship I have been assessing it…is she right for me, am I right for her, do we have fun, do we make each other laugh, are we after the same things… At different stages I could say yes and no for every question.

She is a good person but a stressful person. I am not a stressful person. I therefore live with stress. We have argued a lot, and she is the one who escalates the situation, short temper, cursing, shouting, even getting physical. I want to stress I don’t get physical!!! One new years eve, after a lot of drink we had a very bad fight and when finally said we are finished she snapped and started hitting me and spitting. Not very nice. The next day she showed so much remorse I put it be hind us and moved on. Yet still it chips away at the relationship….

We have had other fight when she goes through the stages of a fight and strikes out or throws and smashes something. But I know she is acting under some inner stress that is naturally inside her( the way she was brought up or something as her mum is like this) What I want to get across is that I keep looking at the relationship and ask my self is this what I want for the rest of my life? But she has an incredible kind side that I couldn’t give justice to on this post. I am continually weighing up the pros and cons and believing it will get better. (Ultimately I don’t want a relationship like my parents had.)

Recently I have ask myself the question why haven’t we got engaged like our friends. The answer is I am still assess our relationship to see if I want to marry her!!!! After 4 years that tells me something is wrong. I am weighting for the relationship to get up to a standard that I can commit to. I know it is only a matter of time before I get the balls to end it or she finds out about the things I have done.

To night we had a fight. My dad and partner have come to visit and we have quietly fought in another room, then as it escalates, she throws a HOT mug of tea over my back…I am typing this with no shirt on so it can cool. This is bad even for us. I don’t know what I’m more annoyed abut. The fact it happened or the fact my dad is here (although he I haven’t told him I’m guessing he knows). Its ridiculous.

I have told her to leave me alone and under tears she has (just about).

I plan to say about why I feel we are not engaged. Why our lives are made harder by the fact we react badly to each other comments or actions, the little things that shouldn’t cause a problem but for us do. And that the physical violence is more than I am prepared to take.

I haven’t really responded to your propping question and comment but I have a lot to get off my chest and feel I need to act now.

Our lives are so entwined

None of this changes anything about what Mish said to do. If anything, it makes it all the more important.

You cheat & she's emotionally unstable. You feed off each other, no doubt. You and she BOTH have made bad mistakes.

You are making another by continuing to stay in this relationship a moment longer. At the end of the day, someone needs to be the strong one & end it. Decide to end both your misery asap.

[JohnDude]

I think the least painful way is to be honest with her. Why torture her by making her wonder what you are up to, are you cheating, is it her fault, blah blah blah. Just be a man and say, "I'm sorry. It's my fault".

Agreed. Honesty is the simplest way and always works. Be a Man.