What should I do?

[DaGGer]

Well I have to say first that I feel like a loser having to come onto a forum online for advice but I can't think of anywhere else to go.

Ok lets start from the beginning, it was magical. Almost fairy tale like. Me and my ex fell hard for each other, she was amazing and I enjoyed spending every bit of time I could get with her. Never got old being with her. She went through some hard stuff with being sick for a long time and having to miss some school and go to the hospital and all but I was there for it all. I had carried her out to a car more than once. I was there every time she went to the hospital and slept in the waiting room. Then after a while she started to get better and things for us started to get rocky. I didn't know what was going on but she was becoming distant and every time I would go and try to find out whats wrong she would say I'm suffocating her. She is bi and has always liked girls more (I can't blame her but i always thought that was I that exception to the rule) and that at this point (the one year mark) she had broken up with me because of this. She was confused and didn't know what to do.

We tried again because we love each other, we wanted to make it work. but now we had another hurrdle to go over. She had gone to school to become a baker and got an externship up in RI while i was still down in CT. Things were fine at first and we would call each other and talk often. Then she started to ignore my phone calls and texts (We have a contract together that I have ownership over, thus I can online and see what numbers are being sent to and from and at what time). So i started to worry, I mean she was talking to a few numbers a lot. Now this part I do understand that people will feel I was in the wrong and at some point I feel I was but i wasn't. So I went and broke into my ex's email account. Found a dating web site account and that she had been talking to other people. Well after telling her she broke up with me and told me I have trust issues. She said her friend made it and everything and just gave the number of the guy to her saying it was a friend and all this shit. After I went and saw her eyes and believed. In the end I believe that it wasn't her and it was actually her friend. But i still had my doubts.

Now she came to me and wanted to get back together and told me that she was also wrong because she had become distant. So we gave it another try. I went and took her back even though everyone old me not to. Everyone told me it wasn't going to work and that we aren't going to make it because shit just doesn't work between us.

So then this last time she said she didn't love me anymore. that probably hurt more than anything I'd ever experienced because i still loved her. i'd die for her and i'd do anything to keep her happy. After two weeks she came back and said that she did love me and is just really confused because we would fight a lot. We fought a lot because all i wanted was to see her. I just wanted to spend time with her and have her give me a little.

I told her I couldn't do it, I couldn't get back into a relationship with her and I thought we needed time apart to date other people and to have time to sort are stuff out. Well we end up spending a good bit of time together now and its starting to hurt me. I love her, I always do but I can't stand this. Its like we're together but at any time she's free to just go and do anything she wants. Its like I'm sharing her with the world and I don't want that. I mean if we're going to be apart then I need time to myself. i can't stand seeing her and then letting her go all the time to do anything.

I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to lose her but I'm killing myself inside having to sit her and deal with this. When i'm with her I love it. I love being with her. The sex is great (I'm a guy, and I think I have an overactive sex drive but I can't help that), the time we spend together is great. I just wish I knew what to do about all this.

I'm so confused on all of it, I'm not sure how to procced. I don't think I can be friends with her, I can't sit her and look at her and want to be friends. i want to hold her, kiss her, sleep with her at night. Waking up to her in the morning is amazing, sleep by myself sucks.

I've done all i can do, I'm willing ot try anything but I'm done with feeling bad. All I want in life is for someone to be there with me, someone i can trust (or atleast trust a good bit, I can't trust her for the most part. I know there are some things she wouldn't do and some things she would. She'd take her friends over me, I'm not talking about its either them or me but we have plans and they want to hang she'd go with them). I just got a new job, I'm 21 and will be making 40,000 a year. I go to school at night. i have a lot going for me right now. I'll be taking home more than my father does. He's so proud of that. My career has begun but nothing feels all that great. Its all pretty shitty. I just want to be happy. Before this ex I was in a relationship for 5 years. One day she just broke up with me and never talked again really. She's now married and lives in Cali. I was 13 when we started dating, I had just graduated from highschool and she broke up with me. I lack the real experience in dating. I'm not sure how to do it at all. i've asked two girls out. Both shot me down, I know of them is because I'm not good looking enough and the other is because she's got her own shit to deal with (one of her exs hit her, and then another guy just ****ed her and left.) I'm just having trouble dealing with this shit.

[starbuck]

Honestly Dagger, I think you need a real break from her, one where the both of you do not see each other and are not friends. It's obviously hurting you and you're not giving yourself the time to clear yourself of all the negative emotions associated with the relationship.

About her internet dating site account being a friend's account? I'm sorry I don't buy it. I actually think you are right not to trust her now. I find it highly unlikely that it was an account created for a friend.

You need time away from the emotional mess you're in. I think you should cut contact with your ex for a while and give yourself some time to breathe and get your self-esteem back up. It sounds like it's been damaged by your last couple of relationships. You can build it back up, but hanging around with your ex while the wounds are still fresh isn't going to help.

[Earthling84]

Tough situation. I don't really have any advice I hope things work out either way. Seems like you have some good things going in life, concentrate on them if you can.

[DaGGer]

Well thanks both of you. I'm going to see what I can do. I just hate to not see her but it really does hurt to have her around some times. I wish I just knew what to do exactly.

[Zitron]

As Earthling84 says, you should concentrate on other goodies in your life. On your starting career, on school. I myself have said ugly things to my fiancee when enraged, including statements that I don't love her anymore, but I realized it was false as soon as the rage got off me, a few hours later. You said it had taken her two weeks to get back? Come on, she is either toying with you or is totally unsure what she feels.
You seem like a caring guy and I agree with starbuck. Take a real break, get over the quick feelings that you cannot be without her and let the real feelings and reason emerge. You will see it better then.

[DaGGer]

Yeah, I just hate to have to let go of her. I mean in the end if I had to tally it up the good has out weighed the bad by far. Me and her haven't really fought at all now that she's come back to CT and is close to me. I'm not going to be able to see her or talk to her for a while anyways as I'm going to be busy with work, school, and then just everything in between will take up my time. My weekends are filled with having to fix the cars and trucks for winter (sucks big time, i hate fixing these things).

[sheri]

All relationships go through rocky periods. Most people just tend to give up and start a new life. Many years ago, people just lived miserably with their partner but now people move on. I feel if it was meant to be than you would be together. Maybe it is not your time now but maybe in someday in the future. Who knows but don't live for tomorrow. Live for today!

[DaGGer]

Well we'll see where it goes. She knows that this isn't really making me happy. I know that this is what I wanted also but I didn't think i'd be spending so much time with her. When i look back during the week the time i spent with her and how happy i was with being with her out weighted the itmes when I was down.

Thats what really makes this so much harder. This is the one time in my life where I really don't know what to do. Usually decisions are very easy for me to make as its so clear cut. But on this I'm not sure what to do.