I am back in this loop of not having an aim in life, and am just working towards nothing. Seriously, it is Friday night, and I could be doing so much but I am sitting here feeling shitty about things. Look, I'm at the oldest and most prestigious post secondary institution for my field, which is pretty vocational. But I've always doubted whether choosing the vocational route over a more liberal route was the right choice. And seriously, it has been more than a year since I made my decision, and I still don't know what I should be doing with my life.
I just saw the movie Full Metal Jacket, which really got me thinking about conformity. People in my school are very smart, many are cross-admits at top Ivy Leagues and all that shit, and the entire culture of the school is to push you towards certain vocations. Yet I am not utterly convinced that these vocations are what I want to do.
In another issue, a family friend who is 2 years younger than me told me the other day that he wants to go to exactly the same school as me, and wants to basically have the same achievements and shit. That is really frustrating, because I never thought in my life that I would be a role model to someone. I am a very competitive person, so I hate it when people copy what I do. So now it seems that the more I help this friend, the less "ego" I have in being the first person from my high school to attend my university. I know this is very lame, since his mom were roommates with my mom before either of them got married.
But I guess I am just bitterly jealoused that he could have a role model, but I don't. I am completely flying solo since freshman year, and I don't know what I want to do with my life. Yet I'm already half way done college, and shit, I don't even have anyone to look up to...
****... The vicious self-doubt circle returns. I hate this.