no way out

[middle9]

I don't even know where to begin. I am 23 years old and have been in a relationship for 4 1/2 years. I love my boyfriend. He is very thoughtful and makes me happy but there is one problem. I have a gay best friend and we've known each other for about 7 years. In the beginning stages of our relationship we sort of fell in love. He is gay but he was just coming out when I first met him so maybe that explains his feelings towards me. A couple of years passed, we remained friends but nothing really happened between us and I had several boyfriends before I met the one I'm with right now and long story short, my best friend and I ended up sleeping together. It was his first time. Ever. It was supposed to be a one time deal but it morphed into a full blown affair. I have never made love like that in my life. Never felt more satisfied and connected to someone. It ended badly because I finally gathered the strength to put a stop to it so we could save our friendship. It's been a while since that happened but now my best friend has a boyfriend (his first serious one) and I just feel so abandoned and I can't stop thinking of him. I keep getting flashbacks of our time together and because of this, my boyfriend and I haven't had sex in more than a year. My boyfriend doesn't know about the affair. I know this is screwed up in all kinds of ways but I just needed to get this off my chest because the only person who I would be able to talk to this about, the only one who knows, is the cause of the problem and I don't want to risk another rift in our friendship. I love my boyfriend dearly but I have no desire to sleep with him. I don't know what to do. He's been so patient and I told him I'd try to figure why I never want to have sex. I can't leave my boyfriend because I know he loves me and he's just every girl's dream and I could never break his heart that way and he really does make me happy (and maybe I'm a little afraid of being a lone) and I can't be with my best friend because we closed that chapter in our lives, he's in a serious relationship, and I would not want to jeopardize our friendship (which means the world to me). <sigh> So there it is.

[snoz]

I think we're at that age where we start to think we want to settle down but our bodies are still just not quite ready for it and we just want to go out and have some fun.

I always thought there never really is such thing as being gay or straight and that everyone is bisexual in someway (just my opinion). I'm just going to say you probably exploited your friendship to satisfy some of you're desires and so did he. It is a tough decision to make you just sound confused about it all.

There's no stopping this secret of yours from coming out. The longer you keep it in the more guilt you're gonna feel, simple as that. I think you need to let go of of what happened between you and your friend, you said you've closed the chapter but obviously you're still half way through the book. You really need to sit down and work out your feelings about your bf and work out what YOU want. If he's all that you dreamed of but you're not satisfied in bed then talk to him about it. He's been patient with you for this long and I think he'll be willing to listen to you about this.

On that note, I'm not sure how I'd explain that I had an affair with my gay friend but definitely talk to him about your sexual relationship.