Getting over him

[lovesjoyajm]

It's been about 3 months since I saw this guy (we worked together for the summer, then I had to go abroad and he went home) and I thought I was doing a good job of dealing with the pain without resorting to LF. After the first week (when I cried nonstop for like 3 days, first time I've cried in years) I started to very slowly, but steadily feel better, up until about a week ago. The last two days I've been back to randomly bursting into tears whenever something reminds me of him (which is EVERYTHING - doing the dishes, cooking, playing guitar, reading a book. It doesn't help that as a chef and guitar player, he's the one who inspired me to start doing these things.)

I sent him a letter a month ago and I really, really expected that he'd respond (the letter was casual and talked about books and what I've been up to - nothing serious). I think, now that a month has come and gone and he'd have had time to respond, my confident but fairly unconcerned expectation that I'd hear from him has turned to desperately wondering how he feels and whether I should attempt to call or otherwise contact him. Basically, when I can think about it rationally, I know that the only way to move on is to stop setting up ways for him to disappoint me (like leaving him a voicemail or emailing him) and just move on.

But how do I do that? HOW do I stop myself from hoping?

[vashti]

Hi lovesjoy! We've missed you.

Did you date this guy, or was it a one-sided love affair?

[lovesjoyajm]

"Date"? Me? ... Like all of my "love affairs", this one had a certain element of one-sidedness. (I suppose part of the problem is I don't know how one-sided it really was. More so than I like to think, I guess.) Owing to our work relationship (he was my supervisor) even when it became explicitly clear that we were both interested in each other, we couldn't really let anything happen. Then, in the last 9 or 10 days, when we were simply coworkers and not boss-employee, we were basically inseparable, including sleeping. He's also the person I've been the most physical with, which clearly adds to my attachment.

[Jade Altair]

A child brings a jar to show her mother, "look mommy." She shows her mother the butterfly that is inside. "That is really beautiful." The mother replied, "What are you going to do with it." "It's my new pet." the child said as she skipped off to her room.

The next few days the butterfly looked ill and she asked her mother, "What is wrong with Goldie?" That was the name that she had picked out for it. "I think she wants to go back to where she came from now." The girl sobbed, "I don't want to let her go I love her more than anything, she is my best friend." The mother replied to the child, "I am sure she loves you to but she needs her space right now, she wants to move on with her life and perhaps one day she will return to you." The little girl just said, "But I don't want to let her go, I love her."

The mother smiled and said "Do you really love her?" "Yes." the child cried, "Then do what is best for her, let her go." They went outside and opened the jar and the butterfly flew around the girls head a few times and flew off. The child cried and waved to goodbye to her best friend. "Will I ever see Goldie again?' She asked, "I am sure some day Goldie will return to you". Her mother smiled, "You did the right thing, you know that don't you.?" The child nodded.

As the child grew she learned to let go of Goldie and found new friends to play with. And then one day when she was grown and had a child of her own.. her child ran up to her, "Mommy, mommy, Look what I found." She said holding up a jar with a butterfly inside that looked just like Goldie. Her child opened the jar and let it fly away. "Why did you do that?" She asked her child, The child smiled and said, "If you love something set it free, that's what you always told me mommy." "That's right." The two of them laughed and went inside hand in hand.

[vashti]

I guess I am thinking that if he has had plenty of opportunity to call you, but hasn't, you should NOT contact him again. You may start to appear a little desperate, which you will regret at some point (I think).

Or I suppose if you really want to have all your hope crushed, you could continue to try and contact him. However, that may end up making you bitter.

I think you should just keep yourself really busy. That is my way of avoiding unpleasant emotions... I just avoid them by distraction.

[IndiReloaded]

**smashes the jar that Jade the butterfly is in & shoos it away**

[Mish]

But how do I do that? HOW do I stop myself from hoping? Does anyone know of a foolproof killer for foolish hopes?

Hi AJ, I'm glad you're back

Advice hasn't changed, same as always. Go out and surround yourself with friends and people. Do a lot of extra activities to get your mind off of him, pick up a sport, start a dance class, go back to studying, do volunteer work. I like the line Vash uses (along the lines of) "helping others feeds your soul". I've heard actually, this is recommended as one of the tools out of depression, whenever you help others and see them happy as a result you no longer feel sad.

[lovesjoyajm]

Thanks for your help.

Or I suppose if you really want to have all your hope crushed, you could continue to try and contact him. However, that may end up making you bitter.

I suppose when looked at in that light, crushing my hopes is NOT what I'm going for. Right now it does matter to me that he doesn't think I'm desperate, if only for his own memory of me since I'm not sure I'll see him ever again. This was something very, very special to me, and something different. If he has chosen to forget about it, then my memory is all I have left of it, and I don't want to destroy that memory with ridiculous pleading or patheticness.

I know you're both right about getting out and doing things. You'd think that in a city this big I wouldn't have a problem with that. I just started an Italian class (but it's only once a week) and applied for an internship with a non-profit organization - if I don't get it I'm going to force myself on them as a volunteer. And I was thinking of seeing if there's any sort of "outing"/hiking organization that goes out of the city on weekends or anything, meet people, see pretty places (although again, it doesn't help that I associate hiking with him.)

[vashti]

Lots of people go hiking and cook. You can choose to NOT associate those things with him. Be tough, girl..

[Gigabitch]

I'm not sure it's such a bad thing to feel these feelings, actually. Yes, it hurts, but is that the worst thing that could possibly happen? This all just tells me that your heart is functioning properly- who wouldn't be disappointed in your shoes?

I think it's likely that he's trying to make sure he doesn't cause any more pain or trouble. he might be one of those "just be done with it" guys. Most of them are like that, and it's ultimately a good thing. You don't live anywhere near him, right? A relationship is basically impossible, and from a functional standpoint, he probably sees no point in prolonging the association.

He doesn't understand that perhaps all you really need is conformation of the feelings, validation. Or maybe I'm way off base, but if it were me in your position, that's what i would want.

[misombra]

oh man. the old heave ho.

i've done that a million times i'm sorry to say. my advice is to leave him alone. if there is a chance for you, leaving him alone is the best investment. continuing to contact him will definitely make you look desperate. that's no good.

[lovesjoyajm]

Lots of people go hiking and cook. You can choose to NOT associate those things with him. Be tough, girl..

Yeah, you're right. To be fair though, he's a chef in real life, and he taught me to cook.

That's what I need help with. What do you do when you've "made the choice" not to associate things with him? How do you put it into practice?

I think it's likely that he's trying to make sure he doesn't cause any more pain or trouble. he might be one of those "just be done with it" guys. Most of them are like that, and it's ultimately a good thing. You don't live anywhere near him, right? A relationship is basically impossible, and from a functional standpoint, he probably sees no point in prolonging the association.

At the moment we live 5000 miles apart. There is a possibility I'll see him next summer, if I choose to work there again (and if he does. Both are iffy.) That decision is a whole different battle for me.

You're right that he probably doesn't see a point in prolonging the association. I don't want to be his friend, either.

continuing to contact him will definitely make you look desperate. that's no good.

I don't plan to. I've wrestled with the idea of calling or emailing him, but I'm confident in this case that my reasonable side will win.
I DID write him a letter yesterday. That's the most dangerous, because I really thought about sending it - I thought it was a good, not too serious expression of my feelings, that didn't demand any sort of response. Luckily, I lost the paper with his address.

[Gigabitch]

I think that faux-casual thing is a waste of time. Don't do that. If he's driving you mad and you miss him like crazy, either tell him or not, but don't pretend that it's all cool. It isn't.

[misombra]

good.

btw did this all happen when you were in new mexico? you were the one who was going to do some volunteer thing here, right?

[lovesjoyajm]

good.

btw did this all happen when you were in new mexico? you were the one who was going to do some volunteer thing here, right?

Yes, this all happened in the Land of Enchantment. It was more a summer job, actually, but yeah.