Serious Situation-New to Forum

[SimplyME33]

Hello everyone....I have a real serious situation I need feedback on from any and everyone who is willing to give there 2 cents....

I am a 36 year old woman with 3 kids (17, 14, 10), have been dating a 38 year old male with custody of his 10 yr old son, for the last year and a half. We actually dated in college 16 years ago, completly lost touch until 1 1/2 years ago give or take a few months. Anyhow, we dated a few weeks, he asked for exclusivity very quickly within 3 weeks, shortly after(3months later) he moved in. I was not really ready for the move in but knew I wanted to be with him, thus he moved on in with his son. His move meant uprooting his son and moving to a new town. It also meant my kids had to quickly get used to a new Man of the House. Right after his move in literrally 1 wk later he lost his job and has not worked since and is still unemployed. This did not make for good times. Also, he and my 17 yr old daughter dislike each other very much. My daughter is a very different teenager...so I think as she is the first teen I have raised, she talks to no one, is lazy, and only thinks of herself. She did not like that I had a new man in my life cause he took up all my time....She decided to leave our home and move in with her bilocigal father. The bilogical father has been absent most of the kids life, and never pays his support...another part of my problem. Well, since my daughter has been gone the kids all seem to be doing well, although my heart was broken that she left. While at her fathers they stirred up numerous bits of drama to throw into my life,which caused problems between myself and my boyfirend. About a month ago my daughter tells me she is pregnaunt, I immediately move her home. Told my now fiance, proposed in March 08...If he made me choose I would choose my daughter over him. I believed that if he truly loved me he would weather the storm with her for the next 8 months, until she is 18...I thought wrong!!! He moved out last week said he still loves me and wants to be with me, but does not want to have anything to do with my daughter due to her completly avoiding him and his son, she never once spoke to the 11 yr old child of his and rarely spoke to him unless necessary. He felt completly uncomfortable and disrespected in his own home and felt he needed to make some changes personally. He has not worked in a year and I have been the sole provider of income, he has gained 30 pounds(so have I) in the last year, he drinks too much, has treated me bad, his words and I agree. Says that I don't make him feel like less of a man!

Overall he says he just needs a change of scenery and needs to get HIS life together. He says he wants to get his own place, get a job, move forward with me but not living in the same home.

How do you go back to all of this dating business with someone you have lived with for over a year?

Someone you were engaged to and had a wedding date set twice?...(3 days before he moved we set a new date of 10/17/09.)

Someone who give his number out to other women on myspace and stayed out till 4AM on occassion when you lived together....How do I trust him.

I am at a loss....Please help! Was I in the wrong for telling him I would choose my daughter over him or as a mother is that what I was supposed to do? Can we mover forward and should we try to salvage the relationship?


Look forward to advice.....

[ecojeanne]

OMG NO you were 100% right to choose your daughter.

i'm surprised that you would ask, she needs you now more than she ever did.

he was a mistake from what i read. you should never have moved into together so soon, the kids feelings should have been respected. you didn't respect your daughter and her love for you. instead you criticize her

if you had gradually done this rather than moving them in after 3 months things would have been a lot easier for you.

you can't change whats happened but you can prevent yourself from doing the wrong thing like taking him back and ignoring your daughter.

what planet are you on? you can't possibly think that it's ok to choose him over your daughter even if she's 18, she is still a kid in my view. be her mother.

[Dasein]

I think you have made some crucial mistakes in this:

-You are unsure of moving in together..so you move in together.

-You haven't fully prepared your children with your relationship let alone having a strange man in their lives.

-His son is uprooted from his life.

-The man loses his job and you support him.

-You allow your daughter to leave.


You need to allow this man to sort out his life. He needs to be able to support himself for starters and stop drinking as much. He also needs to display that he wants you alone and not random Myspace people.

Your priority is your child. It should have been your priority in the beginning. You know that bringing a new "Daddy" in the picture is going to breed animosity but you did it anyway.

If he can be patient and wait for you then go for it. If not then he wasn't the one for you anyway.

[Mish]

He felt completly uncomfortable and disrespected in his own home and felt he needed to make some changes personally.

I think that's pretty rich coming from someone who hasn't worked and hasn't paid for anything since he moved in to the house. It wasn't really his home, he was just a nasty guest.

How do you go back to all of this dating business with someone you have lived with for over a year?

You don't, you just don't. Don't disrespect yourself by wanting anything to do with him.

Someone who give his number out to other women on myspace and stayed out till 4AM on occassion when you lived together....How do I trust him.

I can't believe you are even asking.

[carl1222]

I'd like to take this opportunity to summarize the comments above ...

Don't walk away from this relationship, RUN!

Carl.

[bluesummer]

Any man that would make you choose between him and your child is not a good person.

You sound like you're 'settling' for this man, and your life would be much better without him. Your children are always going to be a part of your life. Why be with someone who you know is going to resent one of your kids? That's disrespecting you. I say break it off with him.