Problems with her parrents...and religion :(

[mad_love]

Hi people, my first post here...

Unfortunately, I found myself on the edge of a relationship cliff...and I simply don't know what to do anymore. I hope some you guys can help me. Here it goes...

It all begun 6 months ago...we were co-workers and found each other very attractive. After a couple of coffees and a team-building event, we ended up together. It was crazy, I never felt being in love with someone so strong. The fact is though, she was different than anyone else I've ever been with - our relationship quickly jumped over the initial stages of dating which I see now was my fault - I was simply used to having smoething strong, firm and long-term. She on the othe hand wasn't. This lead to several mild arguments and I soon realised we might never get on the same level. I suspected that the biggest problem she's not letting me close could be her parents. Namely, they're of different religion. Having only one longer relationship before which ended because of parents (hers and his) involvements, she seems scared to let anyone too close. Her parents practicaly gave up on her at that time...they didn't speak to each other and they were hurt by the fact their daughter is dating someone that doesnt fit their image of appropriate. It was the worse time of her life...she was sad, miserable, depressed...

She let me know about that relatively soon so we were both aware of it. But we didn't know it would last this long. We both liked each other more and more, still felt (still do as a matter od fact) the attraction and something in me just tried to push everything one step further...just to make sure this is really it. She on the other hand didn't. She kept sort of a distance which confused me at times. I didn't know why she wants to be involved if she doesn't feel the need to take it one level higher. Not long ago, we had few discussions about that and I came very near to ending the whole thing. My reason said yes, but my heart just didn't want to let go. It just felt wrong.

Two days ago, we sat down to talk about it again. My suspicion was confirmed - she was doing that because of her parents, because of her fear of loosing them again...and it all suddenly made sense to me. Im unfortunately not experienced enough to give advice about life and I feel it's something she has to (or will have to) discover herself. I respect her relationship to parents and don't wan't to mess it up even though it is something that I cannot understand, even less accept. It's a move she'll have to make. She doesn't wanna end our relationship, she's still in love and admits it's something she never had before. On the other hand, just like me, a part of her knows we might have problems in the future and that our existance together will be all but spotless.

So I found myself here...writing this post in thinking what to do. If there was a good reasno to end it, I'd probably try to gather strength and just do it. But it isn't. It just feels wrong. We're two persons in love, we shouldn't break up beacuse of (in my oppinion) wrong reasons. Im desperate...I love her very much and knowing she feels the same makes me feel terrible. We sort of concluded yesterday, that breaking it up would probably be the best thing to do. It was actually me who proposed it. Today though, it's a different story. I left my heart there...why end something beautifull?

Can anyone advise me what would be the best thing to do here? I keep daydreaming about it and sometimes I even come close to crazy ideas such as confronting ther parents (btw., they don't know about us - just one reason more why she feels sad). Thanks to everyone...

[Bo]

well how old is she? the thing is my parents are sort of the same way and i guess they're really strict because i'm 18 and the last child in the fam they can control. We're asian and my parents are not against me dating other races openly but i know they would be pissed off as hell if i ever brought someone home who wasn't asian (granted, it is really funny because i' not attracted to asian guys). Honestly if you're really into her though and u really want to make it work, than don't be having doubts. And that's probably easier said than done but that's where all problems start, doubting the relationship or whatever other factors. This is clearly NOT her fault, it's her parents fault...so if u want to be with her than try to make it work. I would say you two should hide it and eventually she can tell her parents about you two when she's feels like it's time, why not make your relationship with her stronger during the process. My parents made me break up with my bf a couple years ago, they don't know we're still together. But DO NOT pressure her into anything and i know u said it was just a thought but DO NOT even THINK about confronting her parents, that'll probably be the last u see her if u do.

[vashti]

Family support is a very important aspect of a long-term relationship. So is religion (or more specifically, religious differences). She is apparently apprehensive about losing her religious identity and her parent's approval at the same time. If you are genuinely intersted in having her, I'd suggest you consider conversion to whatever religion they all ascribe to, and then work on gaining her parent's approval.

[mad_love]

Thanx to both!

I'm 29 and she just turned 26. She's totally independent, has a good job, nice sallary, own car, place to stay...but it's the fear of going through all that again that works as a brake with us. The more we talk about it the more illustratively she describes those moments as her worse nightmares.

@VAshti: conversion sounds a bit to extreme for me. Sometimes I feel like I'd do anything to regain her but on the other hand, I want it to be sincere. I'm not considering myself as a religious in any way...have my own beliefs and disbeliefs but all of those are in my opinion supreme to all officially accepted religions. You could say I'm an atheist. Therefore, I can't forse myself into something I do not believe in...

Anyway, last night we spent together (our last night)...she wanted me to eventhough I felt it's wrong. It was beautifull..probably because we both knew something will end with the next sunrise. We talked, drank few glasses of red wine, spent most of the time hugging each other, even made love and just relax. It was like a dream...

A part of me will remain with her and I carry a piece of her heart myself. We're both unsure if we can keep it like this but time will show. Maybe we'll discover in future that we can't be separated and give it a new try...maybe we'll both slowly detour from it and just stay friends, maybe something third.

I'm not willing to totally give up on the idea of having her back so any further feedback is very appreaciated! Thank you!

[vashti]

I don't know what religion she is, but I can tell you for sure that there are HUGE differences between the denominations and their dogma (assuming they even HAVE dogma). The other thing I know for sure is that most atheists don't actually know enough about theology to discount it so easily. Although I will concede that many denominations have no appeal for me, I don't know what it would hurt to have a one-on-one discussion with her clergy person and tell them you are atheist, but wish to explore the esoteric aspects of their religion in hope of finding something you can hang your hat on. This does not obligate you to convert. If you love her, don't let your stubornness become the reason you lose this girl.

[mad_love]

Thanx again vashti!

I'll see how things go on. Don't wanna push her, she's pretty down at the moment. A part of me wants her to discover certain things herself - and I believe she can. I'll just let it for now...

Again, thanx for the reply!

[IndiReloaded]

Isn't this just a repeat of that other thread?

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/26062-religious-differences.html#post399877[/url]

[Bo]

i'd definitely say no to converting, that sounds a little ridiculous if you're not actually genuine about it. i mean it would be practically pointless...anyhow, i hope it works out because it sounds like u really care for her. And obviously both of u might have to compromise something if u plan on carrying it on in the future..

[mad_love]

Don't know about any other threads.

As for us - well, we broke up...but kept each other near somehow. We somehow accepted the fact we're not going to be together. Yeah, I do care a lot about her, but I'm running out of ideas. There just doesn't seem to be anything left for me to do. I'm trying to accept that but thinking of us, thinking of her is unfortunately making me go backwards and not forward.

I'd like to keep in touch with her (well, we're cooworkers so it'll be like that even if we didn't want to) and stay firends but I fear that's just not possible. I believe there will allways exist this desire of wanting something more. Past few weeks were a real torment for me. We didnt see each other for days, we just talked over skype...and then, when we couldn't hold it any longer, we had to see each other. So we did. And yes, it was great again.

This might sound stupid but I really don't see any other options here - how can I stop thinking of her as my potential partner but try to accept her as a friend? What should I do? Sometimes I wish I could just forget about her entirely somehow, but again, how to do that? Blah....I dont know anymore what to do. I try to keep myself occupied with things and it does help a little...but the minute I sit behind my PC I'm done.

I know my questions and everything I'm saying probably doesn't make much sense right now (I'm totaly confused) but if someone is able to suggest how to deal with this mess, I'd really apprecaite it....

Thnx to everyone / anyone...

[vashti]

I don't think being friends after being lovers ever works out. I think you should just move on.

[Devi Ambrosia]

First of all, I wanted to point out that atheists and agnostics are not the same. Agnostics are generally unsure, uncommitted to any particular religion. Atheists simply do not believe in the existence of God. Generally, atheists reach this point of view after lengthy research and religious education. I don't think it's fair to say that atheists typically don't know much about theology. I am a shining example of an atheist who knows quite a bit about theology.

I am of the mind that parents should never disown their children, *especially* over religious disagreement. Familial love should be unconditional. I am also of the mind that people are individuals who should develop their own personal code of ethics. Obviously, this girl does not think it is wrong to date someone outside of her religion. And I feel there comes a time when every individual should stand up for their beliefs, *especially* with their family. I understand apprehension to do so, but it sucks to let your family dictate your personal life.

This girl should consider her priorities. And if the acceptance of her parents is more important to her than keeping you in her life, I think that means her convictions toward the relationship are not strong enough to sustain it.

I feel your pain, Mad Love. It's a tough position to be in. But if I had to choose between the love of my life and my parents, love would always win, because my health and happiness is the most important thing to me.

Take care,


~ Devi

[vashti]

I don't think it's fair to say that atheists typically don't know much about theology. I am a shining example of an atheist who knows quite a bit about theology.

That's nice. You still don't represent the majority.

In my experience, the agnostics are the ones with the most education regarding theology. Once you are certain one way or the other, why would you bother to continuing to study?

[Devi Ambrosia]

Certainty is reached through thought, experience, and education. And in my experience, every atheist I've known has been an agnostic at some point, and has reached their theological conclusion through years of research, education, and debate. Me included. If one is unsure about their beliefs, it means they're in the middle of the learning process.

I realize this is not really the topic of this thread . . . but . . . I can't stop myself from posting this response. I'll make this the last theological digression, I promise.


~ Devi

[Lite]

Certainty is reached through though, experience, and education.

Every heard of a magician's push? The magician gives you a choice, and then if you choose what he wants, he keeps it in play while removing everything else. If you choose what he doesn't want you to choose, he removes it as an option and has you choose again.

Certainty is reached through a choice to accept that what has been put in front of you to evaluate is indeed correct. A good way to guarantee that choice is to simply not present you with the information that goes against the particular viewpoint being reinforced outright. Or, remove them as invalid choices as people pick them.

Athiesm is a choice of certainty, as is being a member of a religion (with some exceptions. Agnostics are basically the fence sitters of the bunch who decide that they're just not sure one way or the other.

However the basic precept of religion is that you are being taught an interpretation, of an interpretation, of an interpretation, of a translation of a text or source of information in which the history and culture of the time is removed as being relevant any longer. Which leads to many gross exaggerations and strict interpretations of what were originally moderate concepts.

[Devi Ambrosia]

I have absolutely no argument with this. Well-put, and I agree.