I really need to know what to do.

[Petit Papillon]

It looks like "American Beauty" LOL

[Junket]

And guys my age are immature, and to be honest with you not all that sexy to me. As for the fun, I don't consider getitng drunk and wondering where you're pants went while you puke your guts out over the "porclien god" very much fun. Brian is a lot of fun. he makes me laugh all the time.

I thought it was so classic you posted that because I posted this a few weeks ago.

From what I've seen, girls who think they're so much more mature than others their age end up making the juvenile mistake of taking on adult responsibilities that only prove their immaturity and naivety.

Yes, you are an adult, but you're not a 40 or 50 something adult.

There's a reason (MANY), why you don't see many relationships with 20-30 year age differences.

BUT, you said he can't date you anyway.

Why?

How does this make you feel? You don't seem to be very upset about it.

[Junket]

I have no moral or cultural objection to a large age gap at all. My caution is practical based on risk.

1) If they met as strangers, and not through family ties, I would question the motivation of a 38 year old man closely befriending a 14 year old girl.

2) People go through enormous changes between their late teens and mid 20s. So over the next 4-5 years, Car Chick will become an entirely different person (with different attractions) than who she is now. He will not.

3) Don't assume that a man being with a much younger partner is enough to keep him interested and happy. There are lots of compatibility problems likely to arise. To him, she will seem flighty and dramatic. To her, he will seem stodgy and boring.

4) As Frasbee pointed out, a large age difference raises the possibility that the younger girl is looking for a daddy and the older guy is either looking for another daughter (not likely, since he already has one), or is looking to regain his youth and prove his virility.

5) In 10 years or so, he may begin to develop problems with his health and energy. Is she prepared, at say age 29, for the possibility of having to take care of a disabled partner?

6) This is a big one ... there's a strong chance that in a few years, she will begin to wonder what she missed by never having dated other men. We get at least a thread a week on here where breakups occur in thier early 20s because one partner in a teenage romance wants to test the water elsewhere.

Of course, this is just a fling ... and if both agree it's just a fling, and are willing to take the risk of one of them getting hurt badly, then at least they would be going in with their eyes open.

Carl.

I would like to say Carl hit it all right on the head.

6 times.

[Mish]

Yes. And this matters why?

Why it matters that you and this middle aged man started developing feelings for each other since you were 14? It matters why?

Why?


Because it's pedophile alert!



Are you sure it's God you were listening to? It could've been Satan. Evil, evil, bad sinful Satan disguised as God, he does naughty things to young girls.

[Car Chick]

Because at this age you are a child not mentally or emotionally prepared to engage in an adult relationship. Its a terrible waste of your youth to be focussing on engaging with someone at his age when you could be focussed on your own personal development.

This man should be a platonic father or mentor figure to you. Not a partner. If he's transitioned from the former to the latter, he is taking advantage of you.

I'm surprised your parents approve.

I guess you didn't read it very well. My parents DON'T approve. That's the ONLY problem I have with the relatinship. If I had the approval, I'd have no reason to write this thread.

Also, if he was trying to take advantage of me, he'd be after sex. HE has talked to ME about how important it is for me to stay abstitant, that at my age, I will have a lot of temptaion, but it's not worth it. I should wait until I'm married. When he hugs me, he always keeps his hands on my middle or upper back. He won't even go near my lower back, none the less, any places innapropriate. It's not a sexual thing for either of us.

[Car Chick]

Another deliberate misinterpretation. I meant 10 years from NOW of course ... I certainly hope he didn't offer you a romantic relationship at 14!!!!!!!!

Be honest ... at what age did you start crushing on him? You say "still madly in love" ... still??? for how long?

I have been intrested since age 14. He didn't start showing intrest in a romantic way until I was 18. He knows their is an age boundry before then. I know some of his exes personally and they are his age. He's not just some perve who likes kids. He's not seeking after a younger girl, it just happened.

[Car Chick]

I thought it was so classic you posted that because I posted this a few weeks ago.



Yes, you are an adult, but you're not a 40 or 50 something adult.

There's a reason (MANY), why you don't see many relationships with 20-30 year age differences.

BUT, you said he can't date you anyway.

Why?

How does this make you feel? You don't seem to be very upset about it.

Why do you think I'm not upset about it? I haven't been able to eat, sleep, or stop crying since that conversation.

[Car Chick]

Oops ... I missed this one. Thank GOD his brains and maturity finally kicked in.

I'm really sorry for your loss, CarChick ... if there's anything we can do to help you through this painful transition, don't hesitate to ask despite all the negativity you may have perceived here.

Carl.

Yeah, it doesn't seem like anyone here wants to help. They just want to call me stupid and immature and call the man I love a perveted pedophile.

But thank you for your condolances. I really want to try to talk to my mom and see if she would give him a chance. If she would, I think we could work it out. I feel so depressed right now. I just don't know what to do. I love him so much. If he were 19, she would love him. He's a Godly man. He's a hard worker. He's mature. He's loving. He never lets me say anything bad about myself. He's got goals for his life and he's actually working towards them, not just talking about them. We have so many things in common, including all of the most important factors of our lives. We share a similar background. He's almost perfect. It's just the age. And I know everyone thinks he's a pedophile, but I know his last two girlfriends and they are in his age group. He doesn't normally do the age gap thing. He feels really bad about falling in love with a girl so young. When he said he liked me he said, "I'm starting to feel more for you than I should." He knows it's a problem, but he loves me, so he's conflicted. He's not just after a younger girl.

[Lahrell]

Thing is, with the age difference you both stand differently in life. This will change for you, and it will change for him as well when he reaches an older age.

Not sure how to call it in English, but it's a difference of where you stand in life. Which will only be harder if you actually end up in a relation.

My parents are 13 years age difference and they say they couldn't do much if I'd happen to fall in love with someone 13 years older. Though I already have troubles if they are 30, cause they most often have more life experience then me.

Good luck nevertheless. It's always hard when you're in love with someone, regardless of age.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Whats with all these young girls wanting old ass men?! Wtf?! Did I miss that stage in life????

[carl1222]

Whats with all these young girls wanting old ass men?! Wtf?! Did I miss that stage in life????

Does that mean I have something to look forward to?

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Does that mean I have something to look forward to?

Lol nope. I'm guaranteed to never date a man too old in my book. The oldest I ever went and plan to go is 4 years.

[carl1222]

Yeah, it doesn't seem like anyone here wants to help. They just want to call me stupid and immature and call the man I love a perveted pedophile.

But thank you for your condolances. I really want to try to talk to my mom and see if she would give him a chance. If she would, I think we could work it out. I feel so depressed right now. I just don't know what to do. I love him so much. If he were 19, she would love him. He's a Godly man. He's a hard worker. He's mature. He's loving. He never lets me say anything bad about myself. He's got goals for his life and he's actually working towards them, not just talking about them. We have so many things in common, including all of the most important factors of our lives. We share a similar background. He's almost perfect. It's just the age. And I know everyone thinks he's a pedophile, but I know his last two girlfriends and they are in his age group. He doesn't normally do the age gap thing. He feels really bad about falling in love with a girl so young. When he said he liked me he said, "I'm starting to feel more for you than I should." He knows it's a problem, but he loves me, so he's conflicted. He's not just after a younger girl.

If you look on other threads here, Car Chick, you'll see that most are very supportive of the poster's problems. Almost nobody posting here is looking to pick on the original poster (unless they are cheaters). So if you see a large variety of people criticizing your position, that shouldn't be taken as being picked on ... just a consensus of people who think you are about to make a bad choice.

For the record, Car Chick ... I never suggested that he is a pedophile because he never turned the relationship in a romantic or sexual direction while you were a minor. But, as you said, you have had romantic feelings for him for a long time. At his age, he should have had the good judgment to realize that that would be likely to happen and result in the pain you are going through right now.

Carl.

[Mish]

But, as you said, you have had romantic feelings for him for a long time. At his age, he should have had the good judgment to realize that that would be likely to happen and result in the pain you are going through right now.

And since he didn't, yet he is mature enough to realize these, it really casts questions and puts a shadow of doubt on his intentions.

There is a term in psychology known as "transference and countertransference". These occur when a therapist and patient become too closely attached to each other and begin to share intimacies which will ultimately lead them to inappropriate relationship and interaction. Being a middle aged man he would've been aware of these principles and either ignored the consequences of partaking in them or played along to make sure mutual feelings develop between the two of you at some point in time. You may be too young to realize these concepts Car Chick, but for people like me and other regulars of the forum these are very common subject matters. We are just here to warn you that you might be developing a relationship with a mature man who may have set you up to develop these feelings through inappropriate intimacies since you were 14, that you weren't aware of but most likely he was. He was most likely aware of what he was doing and where his actions would lead to, but he did it anyway. Instead of aggressively pursuing this like less mature men, he gently, but persistently guided you along into where you are now.

Be very careful, is all we are trying to say.

[IndiReloaded]

I guess you didn't read it very well. My parents DON'T approve. That's the ONLY problem I have with the relatinship. If I had the approval, I'd have no reason to write this thread.

LOL, why should I read it well? You are coming for free advice online and I'm not being paid for this.

Anyway, after your 3rd post, I decided you aren't looking for advice, just someone to support your stupid decision. You were a young girl with a crush on an older man that you want to make into something more than what it actually is. What a drama queen you must be in real life. I feel sorry for your parents to have such a dum-dum daughter. Must be very frustrating for them.

In case you hadn't noticed yet, no one here will support you. The posters here are all very sensible. Try a high school board if you want ppl who will agree with you.