Obsessed or Normal?

[PheasantPerson]

Hello I have decided to turn to this forum for some help and advice. I am having an affair with a lovely woman in the UK, it is online and distant but we have met and we got on well. The problem is I still think about her every single moment of every single day and despite my best efforts it doesn't get any easier. This as you can imagine has caused some tension and issues in the relationship as it has made me quite needy in relation to contact, which given our situations (we are both married) is not easy.

Is it right or even normal to still be feeling like this after 6 months, will it get better, is there anything I can do about it? I think right now I just need to hear that this is normal and will one day go away, or at least become manageable!

Thanks

K

[carl1222]

It's normal and it's managable, but you have to manage it.

This means breaking it off completely with her.

You must know that this is an impossible relationship anyway, so don't be tempted to try to remain friends ... that can turn 6 months of pain into six years of pain!

Carl.

[PheasantPerson]

I'm not sure why you say it's impossible, difficult yes and at times very but why would I want to leave someone who makes me so happy, someone I make happy. Is the only solution to this to break both of our hearts, there has to be another way, doesn't there?

[doppelgaenger]

What's your wife think?

[carl1222]

I'm not sure why you say it's impossible, difficult yes and at times very but why would I want to leave someone who makes me so happy, someone I make happy. Is the only solution to this to break both of our hearts, there has to be another way, doesn't there?

I dunno ... maybe because you're both married? Are there kids involved in either family?

Also because you live on two different continents.

Your original question was is the pain normal and how do I get over it. How did it become "how do I make it work?" I don't think that many in here will advise you to get over the pain by blowing up two marriages.

Carl.

[PheasantPerson]

WOW I joined this site for advice, not a judge and jury! If only life were as simple as falling in love conveniently, all you say is right but you can't just fall out of love when you have fallen for someone this hard!

Sorry to offend so many!

[IndiReloaded]

You can't come onto a site like this and 'pick & choose' the types of advice you'll get. Be prepared to hear the hard truth, then decide for yourself what is right for you.

Anyway, Love is just hormone addiction, PP. There is hard scientific evidence for this now. Once you realize & accept that, your view on the 'reality' of these situation changes. So does your desperation about what you are feeling.

I've got nothing against Love, btw, its a wonderful, useful biologicial feeling, but I do have a problem with people who think its the end-all-be-all of their existence. I have a problem with adults who let their hormones control their thinking, rational brains. Its like drugs & alcohol: fun, but take care one doesn't get addicted. There are more important things, like raising healthy children & helping humanity, IMO.

My advice to you is a choice:

- break it off with your affair partner, a LDR isn't fair to either of you

- divorce your partners and be together

Good luck.

[Lipp]

And don't forget that online you're only shown the ups and not the downs.

[carl1222]

WOW I joined this site for advice, not a judge and jury! If only life were as simple as falling in love conveniently, all you say is right but you can't just fall out of love when you have fallen for someone this hard!

Sorry to offend so many!

I'm not offended by it, well maybe a bit, but I think it's irresponsible. Maybe you can't fall out of love when you fall hard, but what you do about it is certainly under your control. What would you do if you fell hard for your best friend's wife, and why? Does your new girlfriend's husband (and your wife) deserve less just because her husband is a stranger to you?

You essentially have two choices: 1) Do whatever you want regardless of the consequences because you want her so badly, or 2) Do the only decent thing because neither of you are available for each other without violating your own commitment to your spouses.

Carl.

[carl1222]

You can't come onto a site like this and 'pick & choose' the types of advice you'll get. Be prepared to hear the hard truth, then decide for yourself what is right for you.

Anyway, Love is just hormone addiction, PP. There is hard scientific evidence for this now. Once you realize & accept that, your view on the 'reality' of these situation changes. So does your desperation about what you are feeling.

I've got nothing against Love, btw, its a wonderful, useful biologicial feeling, but I do have a problem with people who think its the end-all-be-all of their existence. I have a problem with adults who let their hormones control their thinking, rational brains. Its like drugs & alcohol: fun, but take care one doesn't get addicted. There are more important things, like raising healthy children & helping humanity, IMO.

My advice to you is a choice:

- break it off with your affair partner, a LDR isn't fair to either of you

- divorce your partners and be together

Good luck.

Add to the part in bold ... and honoring commitments and taking responsibility.

[IndiReloaded]

Add to the part in bold ... and honoring commitments and taking responsibility.

Damn right. But I guess I just lump those together with raising kids.

Honestly, if there weren't kids involved, I might not be so quick to dismiss their relationship. Marriage is really just a glorified form of bondage. Both ppl should get something out of the relationship.

So I guess I'm a little less emphatic about failed marriages once the kids are out the door.

[Mish]

WOW I joined this site for advice, not a judge and jury! If only life were as simple as falling in love conveniently, all you say is right but you can't just fall out of love when you have fallen for someone this hard!

Sorry to offend so many!

This forum is called "Loveforum" not "Helpmewithmyaffairforum". If you are interested in bringing pain to your partner, your infatuation, her partner and many others, you will most likely not find a lot of willing accomplices here. Just like you won't find willing accomplices here to recommend best ways to kill kittens. It's not right what you are doing, deep down you know that.

[carl1222]

You can't come onto a site like this and 'pick & choose' the types of advice you'll get. Be prepared to hear the hard truth, then decide for yourself what is right for you.

Anyway, Love is just hormone addiction, PP. There is hard scientific evidence for this now. Once you realize & accept that, your view on the 'reality' of these situation changes. So does your desperation about what you are feeling.

I've got nothing against Love, btw, its a wonderful, useful biologicial feeling, but I do have a problem with people who think its the end-all-be-all of their existence. I have a problem with adults who let their hormones control their thinking, rational brains. Its like drugs & alcohol: fun, but take care one doesn't get addicted. There are more important things, like raising healthy children & helping humanity, IMO.

My advice to you is a choice:

- break it off with your affair partner, a LDR isn't fair to either of you

- divorce your partners and be together

Good luck.

So true, Indi ... I read recently that infatuation is virtually indistinguishable chemically from methamphetamine addiction except for the internal source of the addiction.

[IndiReloaded]

Yep. But its not just infatuation, attachment phases are also chemical. Just that the wiring is more complex.

Still, I don't mean to take ALL the romance out of love. The few men I've loved have all been incredible specimens of the species. Its a damn fine system that is honed to make even the most cynical of us drop our pants at the right set of signals.

[carl1222]

Yep. But its not just infatuation, attachment phases are also chemical. Just that the wiring is more complex.

Still, I don't mean to take ALL the romance out of love. The few men I've loved have all been incredible specimens of the species. Its a damn fine system that is honed to make even the most cynical of us drop our pants at the right set of signals.

Well put, Indi. but ...

Maybe I'm a romantic but I think "love" is uniquely human ... the ability to place the relationship above the lower animalistic "infatuation" or the even lower animalistic "sexual attraction." Hell, my dog can do that when she's in heat! Lots of times the best genetic objects can be the worst relationship choices.

A few women I've loved have been far less than incredible specimens of the species ... some have been plain and a bit heavier than our culture values require ... yet they had qualities that made those superficialities less than important ... oh wait ... maybe those qualities DO make them incredible specimens of the species after all!!!

Carl.