Friends after a realtionship, How often does it work?

[swargolet]

Well I am asking because of this
[url]http://www.loveforum.net/broken-hearts-forum/26267-3-years-lost-i-need-some-advice-how-cope.html[/url]

1. How many of you have stayed good friends with an ex and it wasnt awkward?

2. How long did it take after the break up for you guys to go back to normal?

3. How did the relationship end? Was it mutual?

I would really love to stay friends with my ex mostly because of the situation we are in and I'm hoping to get advice on how to do so. My ex and I HAVE to see each other almost every day. There really is no way around it, and we have to see each other for long periods of time. In the thread at the top a lot of people in the thread said break off all ties with her but that really isnt possible. So advice on how to keep a friendship with her would be great.
Right now that hardest part for me is that she is seeing another guy. Well she started dating him the day we broke up and they became sexual almost instantly so that still hurts and I'm sure will make any friendship possibilities really really hard.

[vashti]

Dude, why are you living AND working with her? Are you a glutten for punishment, or what? you need to rectify this immediately, or you will never get over her.

[damn2008]

Dude...so many people play this game with their ex's...they do it to each other and it ends up hurting each other and doesn't allow you two to MOVE ON.

I understand you have a unique situation b/c she is living and working with you....but you're putting this on yourself and each other. Ex's can't be true friends...EVER. It just doesn't work out and it never has. Someone will always expect more out of it and the big thing is maintaining a connection that ends up tugging at your heart strings more than anything. And when ONE or BOTH people find someone new...then it REALLY hurts then. You need to break those chords.

I suppose cause of your situation I guess the best is to act civil with her. WHY THE HECK IS SHE LIVING WITH YOUR FAMILY? YOUR FAMILY AND NOT HER'S? Perhaps you all should BOOT her out....give her time to find a new place but make it clear she's got to go.

You're putting this on yourself.

[lesa]

Depending on the situation, IMO ex's can be friends. However, my definition of friends with an ex means we are kind to each other. We shared a history and don't have to "act like we hate each other". I never understood that and don't want to have an ex that I hate. It will take years to get to this level if the relationship was serious and long term. If it was a bf/gf you knew you would not spend your life with, it would not take long at all, maybe. If you broke up because you two were not compatible enough for a long term relationship then I don't see an issue with remaining friends. It depends to the maturity of the couple. Not many people can deal with occasionally talking or hanging out with an ex.

You get major points if you can be kind to an ex. Being friends with an ex can be weird for many. You have to be over the relationship and not have expectations.

If the relationship was bad or abusive then you would not want them to be your friends anyway.

[damn2008]

Depending on the situation, IMO ex's can be friends. However, my definition of friends with an ex means we are kind to each other. We shared a history and don't have to "act like we hate each other". I never understood that and don't want to have an ex that I hate. It will take years to get to this level if the relationship was serious and long term. If it was a bf/gf you knew you would not spend your life with, it would not take long at all, maybe. If you broke up because you two were not compatible enough for a long term relationship then I don't see an issue with remaining friends. It depends to the maturity of the couple. Not many people can deal with occasionally talking or hanging out with an ex.

You get major points if you can be kind to an ex. Being friends with an ex can be weird for many. You have to be over the relationship and not have expectations.

If the relationship was bad or abusive then you would not want them to be your friends anyway.

I agree that being "civil" with your ex's is key. I am civil with my ex- of 3+ years...but I am not friends with her. We do not talk unless something absolutely necessary (something job-related with her had me ask her to do something for me).

When I see "ex's as friends"...I mean you continue hanging out with them, talking a lot (via e-mail, phone, etc.)...but the big thing is sharing the activities you've done when you were dating...just not having that "boyfriend-girlfriend relationship" but you maintain some figment of it like you're pretending to be together, but you're not. Couples do it for various reasons (can't let go, don't want to be alone, don't want to lose the person, etc.)...but ultimately it's a bad thing IMO. You will ALWAYS have that shadow cast over you two of breaking up, the reasons behind it, etc. and ultimately, if one or both of you are holding onto hope that things are going to work out...then you end up passing up a lot of other opportunities for something new and different that steps up to you.

[swargolet]

I dont work with her but I'll come right out and say why she is living with me. When we started dating this wasnt the case so dont look at it in a bad way. We are technically step-siblings so she is living with her family.

This is why we HAVE to make this work. We will see eachother the rest of our lives, holidays, summer, college breaks, etc... I can understand not being great friends but we cant hate eachother.
I can be kind to her but she is not being kind to me. I dont think she is mature enough to do so.

One of you mentioned that even going out to movies or other things that friends do will bring back the feeling of dates and it would just be weird. She actually suggested that we should try and hang out more just as friends though. I thought that although she saw it in a good way I saw that all it would do is make me want that more and want the relationship back.

That really does suck though that an ex can rarely stay a good friend. Many couples spend years and years together having great time and everything, devoting a ton of their time to their partner and then pretty much overnight it is all gone.
I guess that is why we should all cherish our friendships.

Also I guess it all depends on the situation. I could easily hand out with one of my other Exs and not have any bf/gf feelings, just hang out as friends. Yes that relationship was only a year and it has been 4-5 years since it happened but even 2-3 years ago I could have hung out with her just fine. The only reason I dont is because we lost touch. She moved away and I moved off to college, now with the situation I'm in now we cant really lose touch.
So I guess I answered my own question!

[lesa]

I dont work with her but I'll come right out and say why she is living with me. When we started dating this wasnt the case so dont look at it in a bad way. We are technically step-siblings so she is living with her family.

Dude! dude dude............

[vashti]

This is exactly why it's a bad idea to have a romantic relationship with siblings, even if they aren't related by blood. This problem will haunt you for the rest of your life. How will it be when you eventually marry? Are you going to tell your new wife and family you used to fcuk your step-sister?

I'm afraid that not every problem can be fixed.

I suggest you go live with your OTHER family.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

I do think it is possible to be friends with an ex. I have some exes I am actually friends with. It just takes alot of time to get over the reason for breaking up. I dont think its possible to be done right after though.

[IndiReloaded]

Just stop talking to her. Don't be her friend. Ewwww.

Anyway, you won't be the first siblings to not speak to each other. I suggest, for your own sanity, you start to get used to this.

And yes, the sooner you can get out of this situation the better.

[Bo]

There is 1 ex that i have in mind that i'm friends with, more like semi-friends. We broke up and we didn't talk for about 7 months before he called me and said that he's sorry he hurt me and that he wanted to be friends. We talk once in a while, hang out probably once a year. But it's really hard staying friends with exes in my opinion especially if it was an extensive and meaningful relationship. And also another HUGE factor that has to do with the whole thing here it is...

Now i basically don't think that exes can remain friends if either one wronged/really hurt the other person in the relationship. Like if ur girl ****ed u over, which she sorta did...than it would be a hell no we can't be friends type thing for me at least. or vice versa. There are always exceptions but i think if it was a mutual break-up than it's easier to remain friends

[Bo]

And u definitely shouldn't be engaging in a relationship with your step-sis. i mean....i'm not making any judgments but that could be a really bad thing it's not like u can kick her outta the house or anything. You couldn't get away form her if u wanted to and that is not good.

[swargolet]

Well at the time she wasn't my step-sis. It was about 2 years into our relationship that she became me step-sis.
That really does suck to hear that pretty much no one has stayed good friends with an ex. Doesnt give me much hope
Here's the thing, although she broke up with me, I understand all the reasons why. Yes I am hurt but I'm not going to be mad at her for breaking up with me if the reasons are legit. The only thing I'm mad about is how quickly she moved on when she knew full well what it would do to me. That is the only thing right now preventing a friendship.
I was really hoping someone else was in my situation sort of. Maybe not step-siblings but something where you would have to see your ex a lot and I was hoping to see how they dealt with it.

I'm still devastated to hear that the person you spent a ton of time with, the person you loved, the person that was there for you all the time will just be taken out of your life. It just sounds harsh. I cant even imagine how it would be with divorces especially if the marriage was very long.

[lesa]

Wasn't a parent dating her parent at the time you two were bf/gf? Did you guys see marriage happening for the parents?

Did you guys see marriage happening in your own relationship?

What were your expectations for the relationship? Do you now expect her to behave a certain way for you?

You do not have to be friends with her. I am assuming that you guys will not be living together very long? She is 17 and you are 19, correct?

It's okay to grieve the lost of your relationship but try to control your actions from your emotions. Maybe you should try dating or hanging out with friends.

What she does with her time is none of your business.

She's your sister now. uhh

[swargolet]

Yes the parents were dating at the time we met but at the time no one knew how far their relationship would progress. Both my partner and I had feelings for eachother and we went for it and had a great 3 years.
We both saw that we could easily marry eachother some day since we were perfect for each other. since we lived together we knew eachothers good parts and bad parts. She still says that she could easily see herself married to me since we get along so well. We were slmost positive that the relationship wouldnt continue until marriage due to the ages but we still can both see ourselves getting married in the future IF we stayed close, but I know that we will each go through multiple relationships and probably find another potential wife/husband.
We wont be living together for a long time. I just come home on breaks and she will be off in college in less than 2 years but we still have to see eachother on breaks and holidays.

We were always worried about what would happen when we broke up or IF we got married since it would be an unusual situation.

What do I expect now? Well she told me that she wants to stay great friends and I know she does, so how do I want her to act towards me? I want her to act like a friend, but I'm probably looking for too much right now since it is too soon and any act of friendship I might take the wrong way.

I have been constantly hanging out with friends. As for other relationships I'm personally not ready, also I dont have many opportunities to get into another relationship right now since I dont hang out with many girls and my college is not the place where you find girls.

I dont really want to make this thread all about me since I already have a thread in the broken hearted section but I did start this to see if there is any possibility to stay friends with an ex since I want to. So that is why I asked you guys if you have ever stayed good friends with an ex, but it isn't looking promising.