my marriage is crumbling

[elsid]

i have posted a few other times asking for advice on this but things have taken a turn for the worse.

i have admitted to having my share of problems in this (depression, withdrawn, i get irritable) but since she brought this up she really hasn't opened up to her part in this (relationships take 2...).

the other day she was telling me that she is willing to keep an open mind to see if and how things change as I see a counselor regarding my issues but she also said that she's felt trapped. she wanted to go out with some friends but felt trapped. i was shocked - in our entire relationship (5 years) i have encouraged her to go out with friends, take weekend trips with friends as well as to go out with me as much as possible - with a child it's hard to go out as much as we'd like but I've always offered to watch our son if she wanted to go out (I go out from time to time as well...)

she recently took a new job - had been at her previous company for more than 10 years and for the last couple years she would do nothing but complain about it. i listened to her all the time. i would try to encourage her to see what else might be out there...even if just out of curiosity. i would tell her she always has to look to improve her life. well, she finally got over her fear and sent out her resume and was eventually offered a great job (far better than her last job). i don't take any credit other than to say i supported her every step of the way and encouraged her to take some chances. now though, a seemingly large number of her coworkers are her age (she's 31 and i'm 38 - not a huge difference) and presumably single. she's been going out to more and more happy hours. neither of us are big drinkers (we spend more time in the gym than in any bar) but we do like to have fun. i get the feeling that she's become jealous of her coworkers' single lifestyles (not as many rules, a whole lot less responsibility...) and it almost seems like she's having somewhat of an early mid-life crisis and i'm footing the bill (no financially but emotionally because now she says she wants to split up). she went out thursday night with friends, last night with her sister and tonight is going dancing with some more friends. like i said, i'm all for her having fun but at the same time, i don't want to lose my wife and i can't stand the idea of her meeting another guy (i've never been the jealous type but have to admit with her going out so much, my imagination is on a crazy train).

what do you think i should do? i have scheduled a therapy appt for monday (and i will continue that as long as it takes), i am continuing to be as good a father as i can be, i am very busy with work and i've been exploring ideas for a side business of my own nothing big, just some potential extra income. i am trying to give my wife space since she says she needs it. i originally tried as much as begging her to try working things out with me...even let my emotions get out of control one day and i made some horrible but empty threats to fight for full custody (i have apologized and she appears to have accepted it).

i'm at a total loss. i love my wife more than tacos (and that's saying a lot) and there is only one person in my life that is as important to me as her and that is our son. i haven't fully lost her yet - we still live together - but i feel so empty with the idea of her leaving me.

[IndiReloaded]

All you can do is go to counselling and be patient. Your marriage problems developed over years, so you can't expect things to magically improve overnight. Longterm focus needs to be your goal now.

But make sure your wife is equally committed. Not fair for you to beat your head on a brick wall. Raise this issue in your sessions. Good luck.

[carl1222]

All you can do is go to counselling and be patient. Your marriage problems developed over years, so you can't expect things to magically improve overnight. Longterm focus needs to be your goal now.

But make sure your wife is equally committed. Not fair for you to beat your head on a brick wall. Raise this issue in your sessions. Good luck.

Like Indi, I'm not going to give you much amateur advice when you are talking with a professional.

Carl.

[elsid]

thank you both. i know you are right. it's just so hard to be patient about this right now. what's funny is when we were getting to know each other, she always told me how much she admired my patience...just seems like everything, including my patience is at a breaking point. trying to keep my head up.

[IndiReloaded]

Been there (still am some days). Keep venting, you'll be fine.

[elsid]

so much to vent... to say losing her is tough is like saying being trapped in a cave for months with no food, water or company is slightly inconvenient.

[vashti]

Isn't this the woman who is sleeping in the same bed with you and making plans to spend her birthday with you, after you were somewhat abusive towards her and have spent the majority of your marriage being self-centered?

You sound ridiculously impatient. You are going to have to calm down or you will alienate her for sure. You may have quite a few months of this in order to win her back, and you are cracking right away. Pace yourself.

[elsid]

you are blunt but i like you. thank you.

i hate hearing that i was even slightly abusive - not saying you are wrong but it was an isolated incident while my emotions were soaring (also not saying that makes it ok). i said some nasty things and apologized almost immediately afterwards.

i'm starting my therapy tomorrow. hopefully that will help me keep my head in the game.

[vashti]

Sorry if I seem too blunt, but sometimes we all need a reality check.

Good luck with your therapy.

[Mish]

like i said, i'm all for her having fun but at the same time, i don't want to lose my wife and i can't stand the idea of her meeting another guy (i've never been the jealous type but have to admit with her going out so much, my imagination is on a crazy train).

I sense a lot of fear in you elsid. I read a bit of back story to this and I think what you need is to confront your fears. Not in a way where you loose it, but in a way where you open up to certain possible realities and what they mean to you. One of the possible realities is your wife actually leaving and how you will realistically cope with it. This might be a hard prospect to imagine at the moment, but I recommend to explore it fully until all of your fears and anxiety of this prospect are out of your system. If she leaves you life will go on and you will find ways to cope with it, there is no need to be anxious or angry, to beg or to explode. This exploration can be one of the meditations for your to use in this difficult period.

I think your wife is still with you because she wants to see that caring and loving side of you, which she believes is there. Why not show that side to her? (I think there are a lot of other issues circling around here, but I thought I would address this first).

[qualia1234]

don't worry the world is coming to an end very soon anyway.

[IndiReloaded]

LOL it's boobaas sister.

[Mish]

LOL it's boobaas sister.

No Indi, you don't understand. The judgment IS coming!






Didn't you see the poster?




COMING THIS SUMMER!!!

[Lite]

Elsid... Look man. You're not alone in feeling inadequate, confused, scared, and worrying about whether or not you are good enough to keep someone you love in your life. For us men that's a rather scary thing to face and own up to. We're not really allowed to by society's rules about what makes a man, a man. We're not raised that way, even if we are built that way.

It takes far more courage to state your fears, and to explain your needs, than it does to get angry or possessive. It takes a real man to stand up for his mistakes, try to do what's right by his family, and get help.

In the end all you can do is work to better yourself, and the lives of those around you through direct control of your life and where you want it to go. If your wife cannot appreciate the man that you are, and what you have to offer, do you really want her to be miserable with you? Do you want her to poison all the work you're putting into helping yourself?

You've done the right things, taken the right first steps, and you need to stay the course for YOU. Not for your wife, not for your marriage, not for your children. For YOU. It's your life, and unless you're OK living it and how that life affects those you care about, then you need to continue to fix it.

Yes, you love you wife, and this hurts, and she may be detached. She may stay that way. There is no guarantee that she will try. All you can do yourself is the best for you. This is about being selfish, and growing as a man.

[elsid]

lite,
thank you.

i have been working very hard since i began posting about this. i am going to a counselor and feel like it is going well so far... i have been making some major achievements at work and i have been following through with some ideas i have for a side project that has the potential to turn into a small business. it has been very hard to focus on all that there is to be done when the love of my life isn't sure she wants to be my wife but i have managed. i have become impatient at times for a resolution to our problems but i am taking advice i've received here and from friends, family and my therapist. i am giving her the space she needs and we have been talking much more openly in the last 3 or so days.

i had a revelation last week - she sent me an email (says she has a hard time putting her thoughts into words and when she is upset, more often than not her words don't come out like she means for them to...it has caused problems for us before). she was finally more open about what is really bothering her and it's not only my issues. i have my share, i am trying to own up for them and trying to get help to find a way to resolve what i can. but, she also came clean about some things that she has always done (she never talks about what bothers her until it reaches a point where she feels fed up) and she opened up about some terrible things that happened to her (or she did) when she was young. out of respect for her i will not share them here. suffice it to say she has experienced some terrible things in her life, things she had never told anyone about until she opened up to me. learning these things had multiple affects on me - on one hand, i felt so bad for her for having to live through what she has and not feel like she can talk to anyone about it. but on the other hand, i felt like this was very meaningful, that she would share it with me. she had kept it from everyone she's ever known but shared with me. i don't believe for a minute that she would keep these dark secrets to herself for so long only to share them with someone she didn't love.

she has also agreed to start couples counseling and see where that goes. she is not saying "it's going to work" but i can't tell you how much better i feel that she has finally opened up to me, trusted me enough to do so and now is going willing to go to counseling with me. if things ultimately do not work out, i can't say we didn't try. not knowing what was really going on and the idea that she was going to leave without even trying to work with me to resolve our problems was driving me insane.