Dating and disclosure

[starbuck]

So, my dating life has picked up somewhat in the recent weeks. I have a date in the city today (we're going comic-book shopping...don't laugh). Plus several guys writing me online. The jury is still out on them of course, but I wouldn't be opposed to scheduling a couple of dates. In fact, that would be the logical next step.

I started thinking about this subject, due to something Cain posted about his recent love interest disclosing that she was talking to other men online besides him. Here's the question:

How much do you disclose in dating?

What are my obligations, if any, to these guys I'm "dating"? Cain said that he was glad that his potential love interest told him that she was talking to other men. I would think that would scare most guys away or piss them off. Or are men into the competitive element?

Let's also be clear that I am only *dating.* I'm flirting with them of course, but there has been nothing physical with any of them.

I'm tempted to keep it all to myself until I really have strong feelings for someone. I don't personally feel obligated to tell comic book guy that I might go out with guy x, y, or z next week.

What's everyone else think?

[IndiReloaded]

Hey SB, posting to bump your thread. For me this is hypothetical, but if I were dating today, I wouldn't feel obligated to 'disclose all' at this early point. Any more than you would disclose your work or gym schedule.

That said, I would be sure any dates were 'dutch' or reciprocated to avoid any feelings of obligation. I would also be avoiding anything other than very superficial contact (hugging, mbe cheek kiss).

FWIW. I'm probably stodgy by today's 'hookup' standards.

[starbuck]

Thanks Indie!

Hypothetical is fine. All responses are encouraged, not just from single folks.

[vashti]

I wouldn't point it out unless it became necessary. Your dating life is your own private business, and if you aren't having sex with these guys, there is no reason they should assume you might be exclusive.

Of course, some might assume that anyway, but they shouldn't.

[Cain]

The girl I'm talking to didn't have to disclose it to me, but I was glad that she did. Normally, I would have walked away since I don't compete for women. There's far too many out there for me to do such a thing. But I actually had a strong connection with her, so I figured that if she makes her mind up before I find someone else then so be it. I wasn't going to tell her that I was talking to other women until she told me about the guys.

I'm not sure if it really matters, but she didn't tell me about the guys until she was pretty sure that she wanted me over the rest of them.

[doppelgaenger]

I kind of agree with Indi. The first girl I ever took on a date turned out to be dating 2 other guys at the time. We made out, snuggled and all that stuff on our date. I became attached, and when I found out she was doing the same stuff with other guys, my feelings were hurt.

At the very least - just make sure they don't find out about the other guys.

[starbuck]

Yeah my temptation is not to tell. I don't want Guy X to start asking a bunch of questions about Guy Y when *I* don't even know how I feel about either one of them.

Plus, I really don't want to seem like some kind of a playerette.

By the way, my date with comic book guy went REALLY well, and we have another planned for Wednesday

[Charlie Boy II]

what comics did you buy?

And when you call him comic book guy I imagine you're out on a date with that fat, pony-tailed slobby nerd from the Simpsons.

[lesa]

In a healthy romantic dating world, telling them that you are dating others is kind and expected. You do not disclose anything other than that. When dating, communication is extremely important. You would be setting yourself up for failure before you have really started if you don't do these things.

[starbuck]

what comics did you buy?

And when you call him comic book guy I imagine you're out on a date with that fat, pony-tailed slobby nerd from the Simpsons.

The comic I wanted was out of print (it's called "Marshall Law") and I can't remember the name of the one he bought. I probably got geek points because the store clerk seemed really impressed that I even knew about the one that was out of print.

And since that Simpsons visual is so appealling, let's just call him "Y", since his name begins with a Y. He couldn't look further from that guy from the Simpsons (although he does have long hair). He's also from London and has one of the most gorgeous accents I've ever heard.

[starbuck]

In a healthy romantic dating world, telling them that you are dating others is kind and expected. You do not disclose anything other than that. When dating, communication is extremely important. You would be setting yourself up for failure before you have really started if you don't do these things.

I'm talking about casual dating. Do you think I should really put it out there right after our first date? Let's take Y for example. I would think that by the fourth or fifth date, if I'm still seeing the other guys, then that might be the time to tell Y that I'm still dating other guys. This is also assuming that I'm not getting physical with anyone yet.

I tend to be a one-guy girl, so it's really unlikely that by the fourth or fifth date that I'd be too interested in seeing other people. I'd probably start cutting the other ones loose at that point and just focus on Y.

[lesa]

Oh heavens no you do not need to tell a date that you are seeing others. That would ruin my date with a man if he did such a thing with me. If you are just casually dating around then there is no need to tell him those things. Usually it is assumed that you are dating others. However, if he asks then do tell him but say no more than "Yes, I am". He doesn't need to know the details.

If you are doing more than casually dating around, the man may assume you are exclusive and that is where the problems come along. If you are not doing anything to indicate that you are his girl then all is fine. If you are dating the same guy for a while, make sure you both communicate well.

[Mish]

I'm tempted to keep it all to myself until I really have strong feelings for someone. I don't personally feel obligated to tell comic book guy that I might go out with guy x, y, or z next week.

What's everyone else think?

I think it's on a "need to know" basis. If you're asked then you should disclose it (not a big deal anyway). Saying it out of the blue may sound like you are blowing the guy off.


Personally in the past, I liked to wrap things up by third or fourth date and usually these questions don't tend to crop up until that time anyway. For me there was no reason to keep going out with someone for longer than 3 or 4 dates and still be undecided.

[Dasein]

Good to see you're out there Starbuck.

I have a friend who is doing the online dating thing and she is IMO a little too honest. She tells them who she is seeing/how many and when. She had an instance where one guy was asking how her other date went! I thought that was slightly odd.

If it came up in conversation I would just say that you are keeping options open and are just dating. I don't see anything wrong with that.

[carl1222]

This is precisely why I've always preferred serial monogamy over playing the field. It's easier to assess your potential with someone when you aren't trying to juggle your feelings between several potential partners, although I realize that it provides "ego cookies" to someone to know that more than one person is interested in them.

I'm not convinced that the "efficiency" of testing several potential relationships at the same time is worth the risk of really hurting someone.

Carl.