Winning her back

[and_for_what]

Nah, don't worry, she's not nearly that smart. I don't feel like a gay for going round to her house and having nice food and music. She hasn't gained anything by it, I wasn't doing her bidding. As it happens I'd rather have spent the evening with someone else but what we did (i.e. guitar stuff) was productive and fun.

I really don't think she gets off on me (or anyone) appearing to want her. Since the beginning that's only ever pushed her away.

I'm happy with how I'm behaving towards her at the moment, and I'm pretty sure I'm not being a doormat. What is it that makes you say I'm being like that? Really I'm not doing her any favours or helping her at all. Tomorrow night when she comes to mine (out of neccessity) she knows she'll be paying for half of whatever we eat, for example. I'm not giving her presents or anything like that.

[IndiReloaded]

she said to me that her bf told her he can't stop thinking that she and I go out to trap other guys into fake relationships and stuff, lol.

This^ says she is immature & selfish.

As though I get a sadistic pleasure out of watching my girlfriend fade away with another man, and she loves to break his heart.

This^ says you are being her doormat.

Mbe I'm missing something here, but I don't think so.

Do you think she would be saying these things to you if you had a GF? Would you still be socializing with her like this if you did, for that matter?

Think about those answers like I said. Don't sweep them into that black hole of denial you got going on.

[and_for_what]

This^ says she is immature & selfish.



This^ says you are being her doormat.

Mbe I'm missing something here, but I don't think so.

Do you think she would be saying these things to you if you had a GF? Would you still be socializing with her like this if you did, for that matter?

Think about those answers like I said. Don't sweep them into that black hole of denial you got going on.

I think you might have misunderstood - that was something HE said to HER, which she then mentioned to me:

e.g. he may have said something along the lines of "I can't help thinking that you and ____ are just tricking me, like you find men to seduce but really you two are still together.."

I then added to it just now with the "as thought I get a sadistic pleasure...." bit. I do not get that pleasure, and we are not tricking him - it was just something he said.

If I had a new gf? Well that's a complicated situation to predict. It encompasses many different specific circumstances and happenings so I can only say that it is conceivable that I both would, or would not, stay in contact with her. It would depend on so many things, wouldn't it.

[IndiReloaded]

I understood what she told you he said. What I want YOU to think about is her motives in mentioning it to you.

I also understood that you are heartbroken at the thought she is seeing this guy. I think you are martyring yourself to this gal. Get off the cross, man.

[Cain]

Here's what's going to happen.

Eventually her new bf is going to break up with her and she's going to come back to you. You'll take her back thinking that she really realized she loves you and you'll think you won. In time, this will all happen again.

I've been exactly where you are.

[and_for_what]

I understood what she told you he said. What I want YOU to think about is her motives in mentioning it to you.

I also understood that you are heartbroken at the thought she is seeing this guy. I think you are martyring yourself to this gal. Get off the cross, man.

I believe she mentioned it because it was funny and she thought I'd consider it so. It didn't make me feel anything else in particular, and I'm not sure what feeling she'd have intended it to create in me. What motives do you reckon there might have been? I can't think of any.

Right now I don't feel at all "heartbroken". I feel pretty calm about it all and with every passing day my irrational "OMFGLOVE" for her is fading. I'm sad that it happened how it did and I'm sad it didn't work out but I no longer feel that desperate need to get her back and stuff. I'm just seeing what happens.
I've seen her several times in the last few days and each time makes me feel so much better and more at peace and accepting, so I think I will continue in that direction.

[IndiReloaded]

I believe she mentioned it because it was funny and she thought I'd consider it so. It didn't make me feel anything else in particular, and I'm not sure what feeling she'd have intended it to create in me. What motives do you reckon there might have been? I can't think of any.

Sorry. This is a 'think for yourself' type question. Think harder.

[ecojeanne]

wow i really feel sorry for you. what cain said about her bf breaking up with her... and her running back to you is likely to happen. this thread makes me feel so sad for you coz you can't see it now. don't let yourself be treated like a doormat. i just want to hug you and hit you over the head to wake you up from this nightmare and future mistreatment.

[and_for_what]

If anyone's still reading this, can I get a "hell yea!" ?

So it's been five days since I said anything here. Things have moved fast in my mind, and I stopped recording all my thoughts (typed/written stuff). During last week I found myself wanting less and less to have her back, but I also still felt (and feel, frankly) that we didn't even try to sort out the problems we had. Obviously that's kind of beside the point now, seeing as she chose to deal with them like this. Anyway she was at my house for an hour on Thursday night, before we went out to a shared hobby of ours. I presented to her a coherent culmination of my thoughts and feelings on the matter, and asked directly for the first and last time if she wanted to give us another chance. I was entirely unsurprised to hear that she does not. I felt fairly neutral about that, since like I said I had been less and less wanting to myself. In fact I felt strangely buoyant at first.

She cried for a while at that point, and said how she likes a lot of things about me and is sad to be losing them. I can believe she feels that way (though not "a lot" of things) - since I can feel the same kind of thing (see below), but overall she is clearly getting a better deal with the new guy, so there's nothing to be sad about. She cried quite hard and shit, anyway - it was a bit weird. It was the first time she's shown any emotion since all this started. I suppose it was because for the first time she wasn't in control of what could happen with us.

As we rose to get ready to out she tried to touch my back in what I suppose was a very intimate kind of way - not sexual at all but the kind of thing you only do to someone you're close to. I told her off for it, and reminded her that that is entirely inappropriate.

We went out and while walking she said how much she likes walking at night with me. She kept smiling at me in a certain way - hard to explain but I know the look. Later, on her way back home, she was saying how this retired couple we know really remind her of us. I again chastised her for thinking that kind of thing now. She said how proud she was of me that night (while we were out) and how I was really sexy and confident and all that shit. I again rejected that bullshit.

I wasn't being nasty or aggressive at all, just reminding her that such talk is no longer appropriate and since I am no relation to her she ought not to spend time on such thoughts.
She kept saying what a really nice evening she had and stuff.

anyway - so yea, she responded pretty much how I expected she would once I took control. I'm sure all her silly feelings went away once she met up with her new man next time.



So I've been thinking about what I liked about her and why, and what I still like about her. To understand it we'll go back briefly to how we met and how we got together. As I've mentioned she was the first girl *ever* to show a real interest in me. She's also very, very pretty (I definately still think so). That was enough to make me interested at first, though as you can see from my first threads here on the forum (November 2006) I was very, very uncertain about it all. It wasn't until after about three months of us "dating" or "courting" or whatever, that I really settled down with it all. Until that point it had mostly been carried by her being really into me, and me deciding that I was now open to exploring that path (relationships etc.)

Then at some point she lost pretty much all feeling for me (quite early on), but by then I had become very attached to her and us and our lifestyle. I am a settler. I am comfortable continuuing with how things are. I definately think that's what kept me with her.
Things I liked about her in particular were as follows:

> Like I said she's really unusually beautiful
> She has a cool name
> She has an intriguing family, background, house, etc.
> We understood each other reasonably well ("on the same wavelength")

Seriously, those are the only four things I could come up with when I sat down and considered it all. We didn't have the same sense of humour - I rarely made her laugh, and she never did me. We had few similar interests or hobbies (if any).
I don't think those reasons I listed above are BAD reaons to like someone, actually - they are the kind of things that really make someone stand out from the crowd. But on their own perhaps they are not really enough. Especially when pitted against all the things I came up with that I didn't like about her, plus the things I don't like about her in light of recent events.
I become attached to things everso easily. I never like to throw anything away that might be useful - I'm quite a hoarder. One day I might be one of those old men who has kept every newspaper for the last 20 years, and never empties the bins or goes outside.

So that's how it stands at the moment, anyway. I haven't communicated with her at all since then, though I will need to send an email on Tuesday or Wednesday to find out her plans for something on Thursday that I need to pass on to the people who give her a lift. I won't be able to completely stop seeing her until she gives up this hobby of ours. And she will, almost certainly, within a few weeks at most.


I'm not really bothered about talking to her now, then. I don't feel much that I want to say or hear from here. I can't say that I feel good about it all yet - that will take much longer. When a time comes that good things are happening in my life and I can know that they would not be happening had things not branched off in this particular direction.


I do feel lonely, unfortunately. Even in my loner school days I had a few friends at school and was around other people for five days a week - same with university before I met her. Now I live alone, essentially, and briefly interact with much older people for two or three evenings a week.


Anyway - overall? I'm feeling much better. I now have a level of... well let's just say "unpleasant feeling", that is not unprecedented, unlike the first week or two when I really experienced entirely new realms of emotion. So I'm not in uncharted territory any more, basically. When I let my mind think about it all, I still kind of can't believe what happened, but that feeling isn't at the surface any more.


Thanks

[IndiReloaded]

I've always thought that a small piece of ego in exchange for emotional freedom was a really good deal.

Glad you are feeling better about things.

[and_for_what]

bah, well I feel pretty crap again today. Yesterday wasn't great, then I didn't sleep last night and today has been bad, worst tonight. I expect tomorrow will be even worse. It's because it's 6 days now since I havent seen her, which is actually the longest I've been without seeing her since all this began (and by far the longest since I moved here for her). I will not be seeing her in the forseeable future, either - the only way I would is if I asked to. And I'm resolute that I won't - I just need to ride it out this time. If I see her tomorrow or something then I'll feel great (relatively) for maybe a whole week but then it will come back and I'll be here again.
I really, really want some company in real life, shit!

[and_for_what]

As expected, I've slipped back to how I was near the beginning - feeling very sick and all that. It's mostly anger. I've been writing out all the stuff that she has done that makes me dislike her, and I'm so angry that anyone could act that way. I haven't mentioned most of it on here, but I just can't believe it.
I'm absolutely desperate to talk to her again. It's the only way all my pent-up feelings get released. I need to release them.

[lovesjoyajm]

You have to remember that you will always have bad days, but don't let yourself get trapped into thinking that you've "relapsed" or that you haven't made any progress. You HAVE! You've made HUGE progress! This is just a bad day. Be proud of yourself, concentrate on wanting to continue your life and be happy, and recognize the fact that it's ok to be sad or to have these bad days.

[Cain]

As expected, I've slipped back to how I was near the beginning - feeling very sick and all that. It's mostly anger. I've been writing out all the stuff that she has done that makes me dislike her, and I'm so angry that anyone could act that way. I haven't mentioned most of it on here, but I just can't believe it.
I'm absolutely desperate to talk to her again. It's the only way all my pent-up feelings get released. I need to release them.

Talking to her will do nothing. No matter what, you're always going to have more to tell her. You really need to just ride this out and deal with it. Don't go running back to her or you'll never be able to recover.

[and_for_what]

Hey guys. It's been four weeks now and I'm still in a really bad way. I had two or three relatively calm days somewhere in the middle, but otherwise I basically still feel like I did on day one. I have no job and no friends and nothing to distract me at all. I can't stop thinking about her, with him. And how I just let it all happen, trusting her too much and trusting womens' minds in general. I guess you live and learn, and going to another guy's house on New Year's eve is going to lead to romance and sex no matter what she says before hand :/ Girls are idiots, but so was I.

I seriously need something to take my mind off it. I don't want to turn to drugs, though I'm not morally opposed to it. I really want to meet other girls - I have no idea if it will help or maybe even make it worse but it's something I compeltely haven't tried yet (though I've wanted to). I don't mean for sex or anything (I have zero sex drive since she left me), but surely part of what I miss is the female company I had got so used to. I'm sure I'll still feel sick with regret and... I'd say sick again, but it's more than that - a very, very unpleasant feeling - about her with her new guy who is rapidly over-writing everything she and I had together, and making her "his". But it might ease the pain a bit?

I really have no way to ****ing meet people, except for going out and stopping people on the street. And then I'll probably just end up meeting the police. I've been trying to do some new things but really very few are good for actually "meeting people". I looked into speed dating but there's nothing here until March.


I'm trying to look at it like in the two years we had together she was lovely and perfect and I was happy (and that was all true at the time). And now, from what I've seen of her, she's a completely different person - and someone to whom I'd never be attracted if I was new to her now. She really changed overnight. So I'm trying to just tell myself that, yes, there's some girl here in my town who dresses and acts nothing like my last girlfriend, and who has a boyfriend and all that. And so why should I care - there's 1000's of such couples here.

But none of that changes what I actually feel in my chest and stomach and all that.

Clearly I need to change something in my approach to recovery. I want to try meeting new people. Well, my first thought is that I don't, and I don't care to, but rationally I want to try it because it's commonly recommended and it makes sense to me that it might help.


How the **** do I do it, though?