How do you stop the hurt?

[kak]

I recently broke up with my best friend and my the first soul mate i have had. She has been my only lover and is 5.5years older than my 25 years of age. She is moving on dating others (long story - complicated break up where we tried dating other people while still together - more my idea than hers).

Problem is that i am looking for a job, living at home with parents, parents are in turmoil, dont have much money, struggling to find a job eventhough i have a 4 yr honours degree from a university (this is also killing me). I am gyming quite a lot, my apetite is being lost (history of overweight bad wating habits - never loss of apetite).

I really still love her and we are speaking on the phone most days (from her side just as much or little bit more and yes it is killing me a bit, but it also helps to hear her say that she is sad about us breaking up). and yes i do want her back and still hold a hope, but i sort of know that it will never happen as well.

I am -to tell you the truth - ashamedly crying quite a lot, i have nothing wlse to focus on really and i know that htis is part of the problem. forcing myself to try do these confidence books, part of break up was insecurity during window period.


I just want to know when does it stop, i miss her so much - we had such good times. I just want it to stop!!!!!!!! i think keeping myself busy would help, but looking for a job doesn't quite focus the mind as work would!! anyways i apologize for this feeling sorry for myself post, but i am hoping someone can give some advice.

[hoopuk]

Hey Kak,

I'm going through much the same thing. Lost my job, my girl and my flat all in the space of a few months. This was the girl who I was going to marry.

Anyway, I won't bore you with my story, but I will tell you this: It was a month yesterday that she dumped me, and like you, I had to deal with this while searching for a job, but the reality was that I couldn't find the energy to do anything except sit in my room and cry. And cry. And cry. I didn't think it would ever end. That I'd every be able to go shopping again, eat again, watch TV again, walk down the road we used to walk down again - which was annoying because I'd have to leave the house at some point.

But I'm getting over it. I'll never be 100% over her, because she was a massive, massive part of my life and shaped me into the man I am today. But now, only 4 weeks on, when I think about a courtyard we used to eat lunch in, or walk past a restaurant we used to go to, the pit of my stomach no longer burns and my legs stay steady.

I'm sure you've been told what to do. Work out. Go out with friends as much as you can, don't sit in by yourself, go for walks, focus on yourself. It's all cheesy. But it's all true.

First you must stop holding out hope. Imagine her with other men. Imagine not speaking to her again. Throw out everything she's associated with that you can and pack the rest away. This tells your mind that you're prepared to let go. This is still the hardest part for me, and I'm still doing it and probably will for the rest of my life, but it's becoming a habit now rather than an effort.

Next you MUST stop contacting her. Completely. IT goes against every feeling you have, but the reason I am so passionate about this is because I (and everybody else here I expect) has made this mistake in the past. The one thing I wish I could change about my own experience is that I'd stopped chasing her. After I finally decided to do this, a few days later I was receiving emails from her. Not ones I wanted, but it proved that she was thinking of me more now that in her mind the possibility of getting back together was gone. Get rid of her safety net (you) and she'll realise what she's done.

Now concentrate on you. Do things you've always wanted to do. Focus on becoming faster, stronger, wiser. Remember that when you get through this - which you will - you will be a learned man. You will know that you made it through the toughest experience of your life, and there will be a moment where you actually rush at this thought. For me it was when imagining a future conversation with my ex, and instead of me bargaining and begging, I was letting her convince me to get back together. It was an ego-exercise, but it worked. Interestingly, I had this thought while walking down 'our' road.

I'm afraid there's no trick. You're going to have to power through this. But it will fade away and eventually you'll take away all the positives of the relationship. Don't be angry at her, or hate her. How were you before you went out? With me, I was bitter, angry, impatient and nasty. Katie changed me into somebody open and loving and ready to listen to people. I could hate her and become who I was, but I owe it to our relationship and myself to come out of it shining. Do the same and you've turned this horrible, horrible experience into something that's enhanced you.

Good luck.

[kak]

Next you MUST stop contacting her. Completely. IT goes against every feeling you have, but the reason I am so passionate about this is because I (and everybody else here I expect) has made this mistake in the past. The one thing I wish I could change about my own experience is that I'd stopped chasing her. After I finally decided to do this, a few days later I was receiving emails from her. Not ones I wanted, but it proved that she was thinking of me more now that in her mind the possibility of getting back together was gone. Get rid of her safety net (you) and she'll realise what she's done.

Should i say to her that we need our space and shouldnt talk to each other at all? i havent been chasing her and i have said to her that she must phone me when she wants to (this is yesterday). With the phone calls she has been phoning me more, but this has a lot to do with her wanting someone to just check that she is safe, which i did in the relationship (is she only using me as a safety net now?).

Another added complication is that i am going away with her to her friends over valentines weekend - big mistake but sort of feel i cant help myself. I am thinking of just giving her a card for valentines day too.

[hoopuk]

It appears to me that she is calling you in order to let you down gently. When I say 'use you as a safety net', I don't mean in a malicious way, but that she is comfortable with you and doesn't want to lose that part of her life. If she's chosen not to be with you 100% though, she has to. You can't let her have her cake and eat it in this case.

Tell her that you need your space to get over her. Tell her that if she really needs to, she can contact you, but make sure she knows that you'd rather she didn't. Don't go away with her. Don't give her a Valentine's card. Let her spend it alone, so she knows what she's thrown away.

[kak]

It appears to me that she is calling you in order to let you down gently. When I say 'use you as a safety net', I don't mean in a malicious way, but that she is comfortable with you and doesn't want to lose that part of her life. If she's chosen not to be with you 100% though, she has to. You can't let her have her cake and eat it in this case.

Tell her that you need your space to get over her. Tell her that if she really needs to, she can contact you, but make sure she knows that you'd rather she didn't. Don't go away with her. Don't give her a Valentine's card. Let her spend it alone, so she knows what she's thrown away.

Problem is that towards the end of the relationship 1-2months, i became insecure, clingy and well you get the drift. there was bit of mystery and surprise lost too because i focused on her. I dont want that to be the predominant memories of what we had, and to tell the truth so that she will have memories of us having fun when it became a bit dreary towards the end due to this window period and i am hoping (fractionally) a better possibility for a future with each other.

[hoopuk]

I was exactly the same. In fact, I believe that a large factor in us breaking up was me focussing on her because I didn't have a job to concentrate on during the day, and more importantly, nothing really to say to her about my daily activities.

I think you know with your last comment that you're trying to rationalize a way to be with her some more. All that's going to do is make this more painful. 2 weeks ago I saw my ex over the weekend, and, well, we did some things and it was so tender and bittersweet. During the day we acted as we always did - boyfriend and girlfriend. But we still had to say goodbye, and she still didn't want me in her life anymore. All I did was undo the 2 weeks' of recovery I'd made by sobbing tears all over her bed, jumper and face. When you identify that you were too clingy, think about what you're saying you want to do. It's the same thing.

You know you're fooling yourself, but I'd be a hypocrite to bash you for it. But I really think the best thing to do is walk away. You'll retain your dignity, she'll see you as a man who can stand up to reality and if there's any chance that she'll realise that she wants you back, it'll be in your absense, not while you're tending to her every whim.

But good luck with whatever you decide. I wouldn't wish what you're going through on anyone.

[kak]

I think you know with your last comment that you're trying to rationalize a way to be with her some more. All that's going to do is make this more painful. 2 weeks ago I saw my ex over the weekend, and, well, we did some things and it was so tender and bittersweet. During the day we acted as we always did - boyfriend and girlfriend. But we still had to say goodbye, and she still didn't want me in her life anymore.

ok so she literally phoned me now, and we spoke. Basically, i told her that i need my space and i we cant contact each other anymore for anything - safe checking or anything. She said i should phone her next week when i feel like it, we are still going away over valentines.

I said directly to her that she mustnt only talk to me because she is trying to make the break up easier and she said that is not the reason, but i made sure that i dont need her to try make it easier. i also said that we cant really see each other at all after the weekend, but she still wanted me as a friend but i told her that she cant have her cake and eat it too (wonder where i heard that from). i am off to do errands and to gym, then to work as a cashier for my family business with my degree in property studies.

Hoopuk - thank you so much - its good to hear that i am not so alone - i want to let you know that you have helped more than you know

[luckydog]

sing a song.....untill u feel good

[hoopuk]

It's cool mate. Glad to give some help!

[Gigabitch]

Aww, Kak. I don't think you should go away together for Valentine's. You just keep reopening the wound. How can you ever heal?

The hurt will fade, but slowly. You can't just stop it. You need to get through this and it's a long road, and you might as well start right now.

I know it's hard, but No Contact is really the best way. It's a whole new chapter in your life and you have to face it without her.

You're not alone, though. You have us and you have people in your life, I'm sure, and best of all, you have people you haven't even met yet, like your future wife.

[swargolet]

Having gone through a breakup myself recently and found myself in the same position as you I think I have some advice to offer.

The no contact rule should be your main priority. Dont call her even if she asks, dont go out with her, especially dont go out on valentines day!, absolutely no contact! It took me 3 weeks to finally pound that fact into my head.
Just look at what happens when you contact her. This is what happened with me and this happens with most people. Before you contact her you are feeling like crap, then when you are talking or just with her you feel happy (false hope) then when she leaves it all slowly comes back to reality and you feel like crap.

What I found is that I'd be away from her for maybe a week, feel a little better then talk with her and what would happen is I'd be back at step 1 where I felt like complete crap again. Do you want this? Everytime you contact her you just go straight back to where you were when you guys broke up, the feelings everything! I can tell you this and I'm sure the majority of the people on here can also.
This no contact rule was the hardest one for me as I'm sure it is hard for you. That person was always there for you, you always talked, when you had problems you went to them ,now they are gone and there is a void in your life and you feel you must talk to them to fill that void. You feel that they are the only person you can talk to. You must fill that void with other things!
The best way to fill that void is to GET OUT! Not only will it fill the void, you will also experience new things, meet new people, have fun. The best thing is to hand out with friends, you will find that your mind is no longer thinking about the break-up instead you are just having fun. EXERCISE! I find that running keeps my mind very clear and it also brings up my self-image. Throw on a pair of headphones and take a nice jog, look at it as if you are running away from all the crap you are in.
I go to the gym and play some racquetball also. If you like racquetball go and play. It is a great way to exercise and you can hit the ball really really hard to relieve some built up anger but make sure it doesnt get out of control. Hit the ball hard a few times then relax, breath. Also if you really need someone to talk to and you feel that you cant talk to your guy friends about this type of stuff then go see a counselor. Preferably a girl counselor as most guys find it easier to open up to girls. This helped me and it is not wrong to do at all.

Somewhere I believe you or someone else mentioned something about talking to her and seeing what went wrong (I might be mistaken). I dont know about this. With my break-up I had some pretty long talks about what she and I were feeling, what went wrong, etc... And I did learn a lot from it but I also heard plenty of things that I didnt want to hear which just made it worse. So If you REALLY want to have a talk with her make it only 1 long talk to just get everything out of the way. I think it might be best to stray away from this as it seems like you already know why it ended

As for how long. It is different for everyone. It has been close to 2 months for me already and I'm better but I still have days where I feel like crap and I cry. Some poeple might get over it in a week, others a month, a year, some still are hurt when they hear the girls name even though they are happy with someone else. Just let it take its course and dont rush anything.

I wish you the best of luck, I know you can pull through it. Think positive, look at everyone you know, everyone on here that has pulled through this. It is possible and you will get through it.

[elizabeth101]

my ex dumped me for a reason that he said i took his freedom away, he enjoyed drinking with friends and left me alone most of the time. i have to beg for him to spend one whole day alone. we have been friends for long time before we get into a relationship. the break up is just killing me, we had plans that we will try again after sometime. last night when we talked as i am having problems with work not because i am thinknig of him, but becuase i am so lost. he told me over and over to forget him. there is no more us. i have to move on. that hurts me alot, but i did not make any comment. he wants us to be friends still, and i agreed into that. knowing that even if we say we are friends. it will not be the same. just the thought that i will losse him kills me so bad. he said i lost him and he lost me. i am not sure if he was drunk last night, but yes he had drinks with friends again. i dont understand that my mind tells me to move on but my heart still hopes that someday, we will realize how much we meant to each other and everything will be allright. i miss him so much. i sent him a message saying "maybe he was right that forgetting about each other is the best option" deep inside me, it was not right at all. i thought we just need time to be apart. knowing sooner or later he will have another girlfriend made me stop my breath. i wasn to stop the pain. i want him back so badly. and i want to be happytoo. can you help me. i tried to go on a date, but not really interested.

[Cbrider]

Breaking up is one of the harder things you deal with in life I think.

There are no shortcuts or magic fixes, time is the only thing that can cure your heart ache. The only way that you can really speed it up is to cut contact with that person. Its extremely hard to do, every time the person calls or texts you, you want to answer so bad, but at some point your brain will win out over your heart.

My ex tried to contact me for 3 months to "apologize" for everything, each time I simply told her that its easy to tell people what they want to hear, its the action that proves it. She was good with words, but when it came to actions she could never hold it together and eventually gave up on me.

It hurt a lot to watch her hook up with the guy that had been the dividing point in our relationship, but no one ever told me that I was wrong. All I ever heard from my co-workers, parents, family, friends, her friends and strangers was that I deserved better. All these people had been warning me all along that it wasn't fair and the relationship wasn't right. It got so bad that people would tell me this without me ever saying a word.

I cried non stop in the hours before I broke up with her, I didn't want to, but I was so unhappy inside that I couldn't hold it in anymore, it was tearing me apart. I still think about it from time to time and have an occasional dream of the happy times we had, but I can now tell myself that its the past and that I WILL find that someone.

You're right, I don't think you can ever really erase someone who is such a big part in shaping you from your life entirely, but you can contain them to the back of your mind buried under everything you smile about.

Nothing good in life is ever easy to obtain, and the more pain it takes to get there the better the reward, thats just life.

[elizabeth101]

the saddest part is i thought there will be chance for us again, as this is what we have agreed upon on. but as days passed by he changed his mind over and over. it tore me apart. i lost all the hopes mentally but emotionally i have deep within me. i tried to convince myself that if we are meant to be together, if destiny allows it too, and fate brings us soon then so be it. i am not doing pretty well woth work and i know it hurts him. until last night upon hearing the news which i told him too. he mentionedover and over that we are done he ketp on saying"FORGET aBOUT Me'"i dont want to hurt you anymore. i did not comment on anything. i think it is hardest when u were left behind rather than you leaving the person specialy if you have too much emotions or him .I love my ex so much and the thought of him with another girl kills me. last night conversation was not easy but i tried not to cry. i agreed in everything he said, when i woke up the next day, i sent a message saying it hink thathe is right that forgetting each other is the best option,that was what my mind told me but heart says no. i dont have anyoption. whatever plan we had, and agreement saying after he came back from vacation this JULY we will try again. and see hows things were. and start from what we have left behind. i guess it was all dream. somehow he told me to forget about him becuase i am getting disturbed at work and he scared that i will not do well enough if we stay like this. so he ended up everything completely. I think i am being stupid hoping that a miracle will happen between us, i guess this happens when u are madly inlove. i dontknow how to end this pain.

[kak]

i have only read until giga and see there are more posts after, no disrespect just organised to have a busy weekend and dont have much time. This post is just an update, coz i want to document how its going and what i am doing and then analyse in hinesight what i did wrong.

Ever since i told her not to call me until next week, she hasnt and it is sad not to speak to her but the torture of waiting for that call everyday is gone. she actually told me to call her next week when i want to, which i have planned to do on tuesday.

I have asked a very goodlooking girl out but is planned to be engaged this month and married in November (a no go i guess), been on a blind date (internet meet up), but not my type (before ex i didnt really know what my type was) and i have invited two girls to visit my organic market store the next time they come to it. I have my bad days and times, i miss her a lot but i am trying to push myself.

I do still have a vague hope, but i am not putting my life on hold (cant really afford to). Still going on Valentine weekend with her which is probably bad idea since so many say dont, but i am human and believe this is a good chance to make a good lasting impression unlike the previous 2 months. I miss her with all my heart but got to take the punches.