sharing my heartbreak

[Junket]

It's an emotional security.

For those that are emotionally insecure.

Anyway, I would like to stop this conversation here.

If you would like to discuss this further start another thread and I'll be happy to duke it out there.

[Cain]

It's an emotional security.

Really? Marriage is the magical security? It's not like divorce isn't common, right? Marriage isn't as secure as you might think.

[misombra]

Well, remember, I don't have kids, am still young, and independent.

Your age, kids, and the fact both of you have already been divorced changes things.

If my girlfriend were to confront me tomorrow and tell me it's marriage or nothing?

I would choose nothing.

I'm not saying it would be easy, I wouldn't go down without a fight, but last time I checked with her, we were equals, I would not tolerate her telling me how to hold up my end of the relationship.

I look at it this way.

I already know the kind of person I want to be with would never try to muscle me into marriage. So no matter how great she may be, once she crosses that line, she's tossed into the dump pile.

likewise you cannot expect somebody to whom marriage is very important to stay with a person who does not want to get married.

i don't think it's about security so much as how much you value that title.

[amazonian]

Well, I sure don't know what to think of any of this at the moment. I just keep sobbing my stupid heart out. I saw him today and we talked about inane things (normal stuff).

I contacted him and asked if we could have a coffee, just to swap a few things over and (I really just needed to see him - I looked for an excuse and found one). It was so hard not to grab him and kiss him and say "please say you miss me and need me, I need you".
Of course I didn't, and he didn't say a thing.

We had no quarrel or personal talk about the breakup, just kids, school, work etc, swapped stuff and we cuddled and he said "goodbye beautiful" and left. He was calm and happy to see me and just normal. (We stayed together for an hour).

I'm so stupid, now I'm a bawling mess again. I can't even back down and beg him back because I'll end up exactly where it is now and how can you beg someone to come back anyway. Maybe it doesn't even matter to him? Easy come, easy go (thats how I feel - right now anyhow).

All I want right now is to hold him, but if he wanted me, he would have said? Wouldn't he? I feel like a drama queen because I'm crying again - I hate drama queens, so I'm feeling as though I'm a raving loony at the moment. I even had to fight myself from asking him for a little session in his car (breakup sex?) I feel quite bizaar.

And you are right guys, empty vows do mean nothing, so if you don't believe in marriage and don't want to get married, of course marriage would be a crock for you. No-one in their right mind would want to marry someone who would feel that being married to you would be a crock anyway. How empty for your heart. It truly is more honorable to break up with someone rather than marry them when you don't really feel it. Absolutely. But it still hurts so hard.

For me, the security is the intention, the vows and purpose of two becoming one. Public declaration - To me that is emotional concrete. "This is MY HUSBAND" - complete joining. Of course, I know that it is different for everyone, and I don't think it's wrong to not think the same. I guess some of you feel that marriage can still break up, and it doesn't change anything, so why bother. I guess if I felt like that I wouldn't be in this predicament right now. I wish right now that I could back away from that and repair this whole shitty thing.

I am way too romantic at heart to accept this can happen. Kick me.

[Junket]

I didn't mean for this to turn into a marriage debate.

He seems pretty secure in himself, and it sounds to me like he's banking on you on taking him back, especially since you're the one initiating the meet ups.

Do you want to continue torturing yourself?

[ecojeanne]

amazonian, it seems like you can't get past the getting married thing and you also seem to be struggling with coming to terms with your ideals and your feelings. in this case from what i have read, i think you should go with your feelings, you said already that you know he loves you, you are aware that he has feelings and wants to protect his kids, you already know that you have had a good thing with him except for this want to declare he is 'YOUR HUSBAND' now you need to decide what is more important.

[amazonian]

Bugger it, It seems I have lost out. I wouldn't know how to get him back, nor do I know how to let go of the marriage thing anyway.

I am so brokenhearted and I know it is over.

I need help to not end up a basketcase.

If I could get him back, I would. If I could stop myself from wanting marriage, I would.

Now I am praying that he goes out and see's how good we were and he comes back to me.

Otherwise, I pray he gets an STD.

[amazonian]

The STD part was an attempt at a lame joke by the way...

I think....

I think I may be entering stage 2

[Gigabitch]

Yup. Smells like stage 2.

Amazonian, you're going to be okay. Really. You loved him madly but you didn't want the same things. I STRONGLY believe that you'd be getting a very different response from people on this board if they didn't see you as being out of options, since you're all old and used-up with kids and all. You aren't.

It's simple. You want marriage. He doesn't. The relationship is ultimately doomed. Instead of trying to settle for being quasi-single for the rest of your natural life (or until his kids graduate and he moves to Bali or something), why not just stick to your standards?

Regardless of what everyone else thinks, it's perfectly understandable for a woman to want more than a boyfriend at your age. Really. It's not just about the ring on your finger- he won't even move in with you. He wants to remain exactly the way he is. (There's nothing wrong with that either.)