life after death

[hopeful]

my bf and i have been together nearly 6 years, both in our 30 s. his dad died last year so understandably things are a little different now. his mum is very needy of him and talks him out of going out, staying at mine, anything that leaves her on her own. we cant even have a meal in together with out her getting upset that she doesnt like eating alone.
we ve tried to talk about our relationship but even phone calls are dificult as she follows him to his room or says he can talk down stairs while she is there.
she goes out a lot with her friends during the day but leaves him orders to do jobs or pick her up at set times so we dont get any chance to do anything together any more.
we talked the other day and its been bugging me ever since......... he says he cant move our relationship forward ie live together as we planned last year, as he cant leave his mum now. he says he doesnt want to loose me but there is no way forward now. he wants to stay together and says that his mum mite want to go in a home sometime so it wont be for ever.
she is only 65 and in good health, she isnt going to go in a home for years and years yet as she is quite happy as she is living with her son. i honestly dont know what to do? i cant be expected to wait? i could be waithing 20 years or more if she never goes in a home, and why would she if shes ok as she is? i cant wait that long, its just not fair, any one got any ideas?

[Indignant]

my guess is he doesn't have any other siblings. his mom is being too possessive and jeopardizes his future with you or any other woman. how about family counselling if he can't make the right decision? take him and mom to get a professional advice. deep inside you do know what they are doing is wrong, but he needs to hear someone else say that.

[hopeful]

he has siblings who live local, he is the youngest. mom encourages the others go on holidays and quite happy just having the odd phonecall from them, i sugested councelling but everyone says she is doing really well, getting out and getting on with her life so doesnt need it. the other siblings can see the effect its having on him but wont get involved as it suits them the way things are as mom is being taken care of. i just feel there is no solution, i feel like "the other woman" most of the time, if that sounds bizare!

[bluesummer]

Your bf needs to talk to his siblings about taking equal care of his mom, he deserves a life too. Of course they're not going to suggest it because right now they're getting the easy end of the deal.

Is this bothering your bf too, or just you?

[Illusional]

i'm sorry... i feel for you on this one. regardless of his father just having passed away, the mother isn't a f*cking child. she should realize that "her" feelings aren't the only one who has or is being affected.

if you're man isn't willing to stand up to his mother, then i would leave him if i were you. sure, sharing your sig other is one thing, but when it comes to family, why should you put your future on hold because he wants can't man up to his mother?

raverboy

[CAM]

I know a variant of this story very very well, indeed. He's trapped. Believe me. If you have the patience to wait for him, realize it will be a long wait. And at the end of that wait (i.e., when she passes), he might be so ****ed up mentally that he won't be good for any woman. But, if you love him, realize that you'll likely save him from a life of loneliness, alcoholism, or suicide.

[Illusional]

umm... women are living a lot longer these days?? i dunno any women who'd wait 15 or so years for her man's mother to die.

raverboy

[CAM]

... why should you put your future on hold because he wants can't man up to his mother?

Something happened to him in life where he needs his mother, emotionally, at a level you cannot fully understand. He hasn't told you his full story. Either his mother has made him her emotional crutch or she saved him from something in his youth; something so personal that he's never shared it with you (gf)--and something so serious that his life would not be his life if she hadn't saved him from whatever thing it was. And, she was saved through saving him--in fact, odds are, she was going through something terrible, too.

He's the youngest and odds are it is something that happened involving his father when he was alive--somehow, your bf became a crucial link in the marriage and I'd bet it was the father that went sour...the mother and the boy (your bf) survived whatever terrible circumstance existed by banding together

He (bf) isn't making a conscious choice...he is emotionally paralyzed. I mean really paralyzed. His mother may also be emotionally paralyzed, but too many years have passed for her to recover and therefore, he can't either. It is a co-dependency that is not a choice--it is in some ways a form of familial love and in some ways a shared psychoses.

You can either accept this and stay or reject it and leave. Don't think that he's rejecting you, though...he doesn't have the power to do so (and neither does his mother).

[Illusional]

that is another possibility.

well the same thing happened to my uncle and grandmother. she lost her leg, and physically and emotionally depended on my uncle. he changed her entire life so that everything would revolve around my grandmother. after she had passed, he is able to live a more fulfilling life, however, it's up to you if you want to put up with the emotional difficulties that you will face in the future.

raverboy

[hopeful]

there are a lot of common sense answers here, the siblings will not help at all, he has asked. he is basically left on his own with this.
i am very very worried about him as he has got to a stage he wont even attempt to go out now as he is made to feel so guilty its just not worth mentioning it. i luv this guy and we have a very strong, close relationship but this is tearing us appart. i dont want to give up on him but i dont see anyway out of this situation now that we are in it!