Torn... Part II

[Babeejulss]

Ok so on Saturday Night my husband and I went out to dinner. It was nice. Then we went home because we were both tired. My husband wanted to have sex and I laid down on the bed and said babe... I want to talk about our relationship. I said "I am unhappy in this relationship and I think we'd both agree."

He looked at me like ok... So I started to tell him all the reasons why I am upset. His negativity, the fact that he doesn't have his GED, our different financial outlooks, and the fact that he can't give up smoking pot.

Now, I used to smoke on occasion and gave it up more than a year and a half ago. He on the other hand used to smoke almost everyday and is down to a couple of times a week. I told him that I don't want him to smoke anymore because if something happens to him not only is he ruining his life but he is ruining ours. This is not something I am willing to take a chance on. Not to mention the fact that he is almost 30 and it is time to grow up and start acting like an adult. His response... I used to smoke every day... I am down to smoking twice a week. My response... You said you were going to quit for the last 6 months and it seems as though you continue to give excuses as to why you haven't quit yet. What if you get arrested? Then what? Then you'll give it up?

I told him that I would really like him to get his GED because I feel that this is something that he will need in the future. This could be a potential draw back and if he takes care of it now, he doesn't have to worry about it. His response... I don't know how this is affecting our relationship. My response because whenever you don't have enough work to pay the bills you never want to go out and get a second job because you feel as though you look like a piece of shit on paper. Maybe this will help your confidence. His repsonse... I still don't know how this is affecting our relationship.

Anyways he was hurt and upset because he thinks we have a good relationship. He asked me, "Do you want to get a divorce?" I said no, I would really like to work on our relationship. He said but I feel as though you are holding something back... I sid no, I am just sad that after all this time we can't seem to compromise and communicate our feelings to each other.

During our conversation he said that if I decided to leave him that he could afford to live on his own, and pay all his bills. He said you can have everything... I will start all over again.... All I want is for you to be Happy.

All i know is that after we had the conversation he started being nicer to me... Calling me through out the day to tell me he loves me. And he can't keep his hands off of me. I think I am going to give him a month and see what happens. I just feel as though I have grown up... Am ready to take on a family and he is still doing childish things..

[Indignant]

His negativity,
the fact that he doesn't have his GED,
our different financial outlooks,
and the fact that he can't give up smoking pot.

Now, I used to smoke on occasion and gave it up more than a year and a half ago. He on the other hand used to smoke almost everyday and is down to a couple of times a week. I told him that I don't want him to smoke anymore because if something happens to him not only is he ruining his life but he is ruining ours. This is not something I am willing to take a chance on. Not to mention the fact that he is almost 30 and it is time to grow up and start acting like an adult.


I told him that I would really like him to get his GED because I feel that this is something that he will need in the future. This could be a potential draw back and if he takes care of it now, he doesn't have to worry about it.

My response because whenever you don't have enough work to pay the bills you never want to go out and get a second job because you feel as though you look like a piece of shit on paper.

Jules, what's the main reason that is bugging you?

GED or pot?
if he took GED but still smoked pot, would that make it better for you?

if he quit pot, but didn't take the GED?

i think that if you were able to improve your life, and he can not get himself to do it, then you are not looking for him to change, you need a whole new person.

[Gigabitch]

Like I said before, this isn't about the GED. That's just a symptom, as is the pot smoking and the money spending and bla,bla,bla. SYMPTOMS. You're asking him to fix the symptoms when you both need to be looking at the real problem here, which is that you want different things.

He's not going to change as fast as you want him to, Babee. He will probably never quite measure up to what you want, because by the time he gets his GED and quits smoking pot, you'll be wanting him to get a bachelor's degree and start going to the gym.

You've outgrown him. Quit hurting his feelings and making it all a HIM problem and take some responsibility for the fact that YOU are the one that has changed, and if you keep going in the direction you're headed, you'll be leaving him completely behind. This is nobody's fault, but it's your responsibility because you're the one that changed. He could just as easily complain that you've turned into a yuppie and you're not any fun any more.

I know this because it's a bit like my first marriage. When we got together, we were both working in restaurants and staying up all night partying like rock stars. Then I decided to get serious about my education and start acting like a grown-up. Do I blame him for being a drag-ass? Sure, but I didn't continue to punish him for it, and it was my choice to either stay and live within his limitations or leave and try to find a way to make myself happy. i left.

Getting divorced is hard, Babee, but sometimes it's the right thing to do. In my opinion, you should leave him. He doesn't make you happy, and you know what? I'll bet you make him ****ing miserable.

[IndiReloaded]

Anyways he was hurt and upset because he thinks we have a good relationship. He asked me, "Do you want to get a divorce?" I said no, I would really like to work on our relationship. He said but I feel as though you are holding something back... I sid no, I am just sad that after all this time we can't seem to compromise and communicate our feelings to each other.

Okay Jules, this says it all for me.

First of all, you've got some folks here telling you to end things. I think this is confusing you. Basically what you need to do, before anything else or any further effort is this:

Decide whether you are committed to ending your marriage or repairing it. Spend some time with yourself, think about what is important to you, your values, your needs and make this decision for YOU and YOUR reasons.

Once you are clear on this, then do everything in your power to make your choice happen. Don't let anything or anyone distract you from your decision. Don't let other ppls experiences, good or bad, affect your thinking. Do what is best for YOU. I'm not saying anyone here is wrong about it being best to end your marriage, I simply don't know enough to make that call. What I DO know, tho, is that no one here has to live with the consequences of your decision, only you do.

Now, for what its worth, I've been at this kind of crossroad. And in my experience, the only way you are going to get real progress in this situation (either divorce or a stabilized marriage) is to be completely committed and not do anything half-assed. I think your husband will benefit from knowing this, btw.

That said, I think you did a good job with your recent communication. You took a calm moment to get out some of your truer feelings and concerns and didn't let things get out of hand with an argument. That's awesome.

The only suggestion I have to make it even better would be to be careful you don't 'undo' your nice moments. I think you should've had sex that night to solidify your nice evening out. Brought up your concerns in the calm morning, or set aside a scheduled time to have discussions about your mutual relationship issues. Just my two cents, and I hope you understand why I'm recommending this kind of boundary b/t your marriage 'building' activities and those times used to vent and solve issues.

Good luck hun, let us know how things continue to go. And don't give up (if that's what you want). Realize in advance you'll take steps back again before things improve for the better. Just remember what I said about making sure you understand your final goal before making the effort.

[IndiReloaded]

BTW, Jules, you are firmly stuck in "Stage 3". Read on, it does get better:

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/28296-stages-marriage-long-term-relationship.html#post431967[/url]

[Junket]

Maybe if she continues withholding sex he'll make it easy for her and call for the divorce.

[Babeejulss]

@ Indie - Thanks for the advice. I had waited all week to find a good quiet time to talk to him. I decided to tell him on Sat. night because my husband was going to be working all day Sunday and didn't plan to be home until 7ish...

I understand what you are saying... I have thought about this now for quite some time. It's just that the feeling to divorce my husband is stronger than ever. I even went as far as openeing a checking account solely in my name. Paying down the CC as fast as possible... Called all the accounts that are joint such as: Car insurance, home owners ins., cell phones, CC to find out my options. I even made an after divorce budget to make sure I can afford my bills.

My problem is that I know he is a good guy. He's never cheated... When we get along, we get along good. We have great sex... And I am so used to him being their that it's hard to image life w/o him. But then I think are we really meant to be together? We argue alot. He has power issues... He feels that because his job is physically demanding that I should be the one to do more around the house. But what really upsets me is that I work just hard... Go to the gym 4 days a week, take care of the dog, do the house work, and work on my websites (5 to be exact). I do so much around the house. Once when I asked him to do something, he Said NO. If I do this now you'll continue to make me do more chores. WTF? Ever since he said that to me. I've started thinking about divorce. It's like this relationship is not equal. But that's just my feelings.

@Frasbee - We might not of had sex on Sat. night after the talk but when he got home from work on Sunday we had sex... and we had sex again on Monday night. So sex isn't really an issue.

[Mish]

He asked me, "Do you want to get a divorce?" I said no, I would really like to work on our relationship.

I think I am going to give him a month and see what happens.

The bolded part sounds like an ultimatum. Which one is it? Are you looking forward to working on the relationship or are you setting a deadline for when the two of you should separate if there is a lack of progress?

It is like Indi said, you need to dedicate yourself either to working things out OR to separating, nothing in between. The language and the tone you are using at the moment is sending mixed messages. There are accusations and hints in the language you are using that you are giving up on the relationship which goes exactly against what you said above that you would like to work on the relationship. If you continue on this road you may risk miscommunication with your husband.

[Mish]

WTF? Ever since he said that to me. I've started thinking about divorce. It's like this relationship is not equal. But that's just my feelings.

So this was the key issue that tipped the scales? If you are thinking about divorce, than forget about everything else and just go for it. If you are already in that mind frame then everything else will be a waste of time.

If your mind is not yet made up and you sense this is something you can improve and work on then get out of the "divorce mind set" and start looking for a solution to this particular problem.

[IndiReloaded]

You know, I'm reading these posts and thinking to myself:

Why does she want to be married to *this* guy? That's not the same question, btw, as why you don't want to *get divorced*.

If I were you, I'd generate a list of points for each of those questions and then look for overlap.

If you can get a decent alignment, on at least some points, I think you two have a future. If you can't, then you may be better off moving on.

But hell, girl, make a decision and stop waffling already. That comment about giving him 1 month (which I missed first pass), is just crap. Noone should respond to a threat like that (which screams your lack of commitment) and its just unreasonable. You aren't going to fix a decades worth of behaviour in a month. You *might* start seeing a bit of progress after a year of solid effort, but that's the timescale you are looking at.

[Mish]

You *might* start seeing a bit of progress after a year of solid effort, but that's the timescale you are looking at.

I have a feeling that a bit of progress is not enough for the OP. She wants the whole messed up room to be tidy in exactly 60 seconds and not a second more, or else...

I'm very close to sketching this on unreasonable expectations

[carl1222]

Mishanya is absolutely right. You're relationship has deteriorated over the years to the point where it is today, so it's unreasonable to expect it to be repaired in anything like a month. Maybe a year would be more on the mark? But that requires commitment ... on your part as well as his. And while planning ahead is prudent, as long as you are in the "getting ready for divorce" frame of mind, you aren't committing to your marriage.

It's like if you let your house deteriorate over many years through neglect and then expected it to be completely repaired in a month ... while all the time looking for a new place to live.

You both seem like decent people who have allowed your differences deteriorate into incompatibilities. I disagree with those who say "oh well, you have drifted too far apart, dump him." A ship needs a rudder ... a relationship needs two rudders working in concert. Marriages require work and maintenance!

See a marriage counselor before you see a lawyer.

Carl.

[Aeradalia]

The short and unreasonable ultimatum, the seeming disregard for his attempts to improve his behavior, and your thoughts of divorce (when it's apparent he doesn't really want that)... seems to hint that you've already given up. Now all you're looking for are excuses to 'make you feel good' about leaving.

If you're not happy being with him, if you don't agree with how he thinks, or feel you aren't even compatible... then leave --- divorce him. Because your mind is already made up, now you're just waiting for a reason to blame him (oh I gave him a month but he didn't do anything --- it's all his fault, that's why I had to leave), which is downright cruel and unfair.

Face it... you just don't like him anymore... you don't want to be with him... and you've not offering any reasonable chance for reconciliation.

Either stop wasting his time and yours... and leave already... or get your butt in gear and make reasonable attempts to salvage it. But don't blame him for the 'failure' of the marriage --- there are two people involved in a marriage...

[Babeejulss]

To all... My husband and I have been working on this issue for over a year now... We've already had this talk a year ago...

We had the talk... We worked on our issues... Things went well for a couple of months... And then all of a sudden it was like full blown war in our house... Everything I said, he thought I was disrespecting him or being rude. When in reality I was just giving him the same shit he was giving me. I know... I know... Two wrongs don't make a right. But you know what. I'm not a doormat. I have feelings too. It's not my fault he can't handle what he dishes.

[IndiReloaded]

I gotta say, Jules, I find your communication style difficult, just from your posts. If I were your partner I think I would find arguments with you frustrating and tedious. You seem more interested in blame than in solution. I'm not saying your husband doesn't have issues also, but you've got a real difficulty negotiating solutions that are a win-win for everyone, IMO. Its very adversarial. Just something to think about.

Anyway, the reason things went back to crap this past year is that neither of you really changed anything. You had a blowout that led to a brief detente, then it was back to same-old. Again, I suggest counselling for some new ideas and also some accountability for BOTH of you. No more 'justified ranting' for you, I think.

One of my earliest posts to you was that you give the impression of just wanting to blame a divorce on your husband. I still think this is your true goal and everything else, including your claims to wanting to work on things, is just smoke. Or perhaps you've convinced yourself you mean it, but I dont think its where your gut & heart really are. You need to start getting real with yourself. Figure out what the hell you want. B/c you're confusing the hell out of everyone else and making things more complicated than it should be.

Anyway, I wish you well in this and your future relationships. I don't have any further advice to give. IMO, you are heading for being another repeating statistic. Everything in your tone and comments suggests it plus a good dose of self-fulfilling prophecy.

I hope you find happiness someday, Jules. Good luck.