Its all kicking me in the ass.

[EasyGoer]

I have never been good at talking about who I am and what I do which I think led me to joining this forum, a bunch of people I dont know all here for one common reason, relationships and love. Lets begin with some background info. Any girl that has said I love you to me other than 2 I have convinced myself that I loved them back eventually saying it back to them(5 different girls) from my first girlfriend when I was 17 til now. I know for a fact that 2 of them I really loved, infact I can tell because I knew I loved them before anything was said to me. The worst part is I have also convinced myself that I wasnt good enough for any of them and at any sign of change or a decrease in interest on their behalf I either cheated on or looked for other girls in order to have someone to fall back on, I feel like this preparing for the end created the end. I know it made them end. I have kicked my ass since the first time I cheated til now never really understanding why if I had such strong feelings for someone what could give me the impulse to search for someone else. I was engaged to my first girlfriend (stupid kid in high school thinking he found true love) to be dumped when she went away to school because she thought it would be better for the both of us. (this is when the cheating marathon began). But back to the point of all this. Basically I have found myself head over heels for my girlfriend. She is not a complete opposite of me but in a way she is. Everyone who knows us says we compliment each other amazingly, we have the same personality but different interests(she likes shopping and being pretty, I like music and art, basically to break it down to its simplist form, and forgive the way im putting it, shes preppy and im more of a I guess you would say "rocker" type of guy) She loves to listen to me play my guitar and always seems so happy when I complete some picture Ive been working on. Its the most amazing feeling, I can honestly say that the closest Ive felt to this was with my first girlfriend but its different, not like I like her more, just, the same in a different way.
So if you've made it this far I thank you for bearing with my hopping all over the place, this is my dilemma. I don't know if its because ive been such a dishonest person and hurt so many people or something else, but im always convinced im not good enough for her and shes looking for someone else or even worse, that there is someone else. We have tried to talk about it and I feel like every time we talk about it I convince myself shes lieing, despite her always saying im just being crazy. What should I do, Should I end it? I feel as tho I am hurting her by being this way. Am I just being crazy? Please, any input would be greatly appreciated, im honestly losing my mind over this.

[alovehangoverr]

Why are you so insecure?

Because that's what it comes down to.. you're acting out of insecurity. The cheating, the setting yourself up for failure, the using of the excuse "it would be better for her if I left," as a means of getting out of committment. So.. what is it?

Everything you're doing and feeling is a choice. Cheating is a choice. Believing her or not is a choice.

[LoveHurts09]

u should stop making her choices for her... even if u were the greatest guy in the world she might not love u, it just doesnt work like that - every1 is different.

get some help if u can afford it, u need to work on ur self-confidence.

[lovesjoyajm]

I agree that you need to just make the choice to be happy with what you have found.

And realize that it's possible that it may come to an end, but you can't live expecting that.

[EasyGoer]

Seriously thank you all.

As far as why I have no confidence and dont trust people, well go with traumatic childhood. Yes I know its no excuse I just think that I needed someone I haven't known for years to say what you 3 said.


Honestly, Thank you sincerely from the bottom of my heart and soul.