Slowing it Down

[Naples]

Girls, how do we feel when a guy tells us he wants to "slow down"? And guys, what do you mean by that?

Girls, what if you thought things were going great... and were really happy and excited with the way things were progressing...then all of a sudden, he not only doesn't want to go to the next level, nor does he want to remain consistent--but worse: he wants to "slow it down." He's seeing a therapist and working through his own issues. Do you consider this an excuse to drop you gently? Or do you stand by your man, remaining patient, not being demanding... hoping that he will come out of it on the other side and at that point want to be with you?

For those of you who read my other posts: please don't tell me to move on. I spent last night with an old, old boyfriend, so I kind of have moved on, but still have some unresolved issues/questions from this situation. Also, it has only been 4 days. Hope you all understand. Thanks.

[girlcat2]

Time will tell, but if he slows down, I"d slow down more. Be busy sometimes; don't always answer the phone; don't be rude, be UNAVAILABLE, but be really nice. Let him make all the moves. Don't call him and don't make his favorite dinner.
I wouldn't throw it out the door, but at the same time you have to protect your heart. Always keep the ball in your court. I wouldn't sleep with him either. I don't know if I'd make a big announcement about it. I think he'll walk if you do. I'd just be tired or busy. If you sleep with him, that just makes you want him that much more.

[alovehangoverr]

Hmmm.. well, "slow down," can mean a number of things, in his case he might legitimately need to considering he's going through therapy, but in most cases it's a nice way of saying "let's end this."

If he's saying "slow down," and "I don't want to go to the next level," it's sort of clear he's saying that right now or even in the future he's not going to be what you need him to be.

I don't think it's particularly wise to "stand by your man," when your man isn't willing to stand by you.. it's rather foolish.

Do yourself a favor and give him what he wants. Don't sit around waiting on him-- go out, have fun, meet new people. It sounds like from this, and your other posts, you've given this guy a shot and it's still not where you want it to be. How much time/energy/effort do you need to put into something before you determine it's not worth it?

[Naples]

Thank you sooo much! I love your post, Hangover. Truth be told, I was seeking support and reassurance that I did the right thing in dropping him. In my last post, people said I was too hasty, and I was regretting my decision. But you are right--I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks that way. Thanks!!!

[carl1222]

Would anyone change their mind if they knew he was only a couple of months out of a long term relationship? And that Naples was strongly pushing him to make a further commitment after being together only two months? How about if you knew he had started therapy for the sole purpose of getting completely over his reluctance to commit because of his recent breakup?

Naples, you can get any answer you want in here by just changing the question and hiding some of the facts. If you want to get out of the relationship, you certainly don't need our permission or approval to do so. If you hide the ball, our advice becomes worthless ... except maybe to give you some support for a decision you've already made.

Carl.

[alovehangoverr]

Would anyone change their mind if they knew he was only a couple of months out of a long term relationship? And that Naples was strongly pushing him to make a further commitment after being together only two months?

Naples, you can get any answer you want in here by just changing the question and hiding some of the facts. If you want to get out of the relationship, you certainly don't need our permission or approval to do so. If you hide the ball, our advice becomes worthless ... except maybe to give you some support for a decision you've already made.

Carl.

I'm not sure why that would change my mind.. regardless of who is pushing for what, his answer is still "slow down," and ultimately "no."

Personally, the fact that he just got out of a long term relationship and is in therapy would be enough for me to realize "he's not ready for this," and let it go. Sure, you could wait around.. but I never encourage that.

He has issues he needs to deal with, and more often than not.. it's better to deal with those alone and without the added pressure of a new relationship.

[Naples]

Oh Carl...I will give you his number. The two of you can start a club for Committ-o-phobes.

When the feeling is strong...there is no need for contemplating or overanalyzing... and certainly no desire to "slow down." He is at a point in his life where he needs to be the focus of all his decisions--he needs to be self-serving right now. But what I need matters as well..and I am looking for more of a give-and-take relationship.

[Gigabitch]

I feel that you deserve what you settle for. If you're willing to take what he's offering, then take it, but don't expect more. Me, I'd be miles down the road by now.

[Naples]

I feel that you deserve what you settle for. If you're willing to take what he's offering, then take it, but don't expect more. Me, I'd be miles down the road by now.

Thank you :-) I'm spending time with my old, OLD ex--who makes me feel loved and beautiful. On my way over there now... I just can't help but be curious about what this guy's problem was and if I did the right thing. Thanks for your input!