Forgetting Your Crush

[anonymous44]

Hi, I am having quite a bit of a problem dealing with a crush I developed for quite some time:

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Background checks: I'm in my last year in high school, the girl I like is the same age as me in the same school...in her last grade. I am considered a "nerd", with no redeeming qualities but being smart and funny [sometimes], while she's one of those quiet girls who can easily fit in with a crowd (if she wants to), but does not. I have no dating experience while she has a lot.

History: I met this girl four years ago and we became friends, albeit we did not talk or have any contact much over the four-year interval, but I secretly liked her and became friends with all the boyfriends she's had so far (not for any malicious purposes at all).

However, throughout these four years, she's been going over some boys back and forth, dating one guy, both of them having a feud, which then turns really ugly and having the relationship end.

I am friends with most of the boyfriends who have dated her in the past - all of which who have moved on from the relationship with the girl I secretly liked.

The symptoms started getting worse last two years. During this time, I would be sleep deprived thinking of this girl whom I barely talk with, having dreams where I would cry when I found out she was dating new boys and former boyfriends of her's. Whenever I was within the vicinity of her, I had, unintentionally, remembered everything and everything she's done while I was watching her.

I've talked it out with her former boyfriends and they've said it was okay for me to go for her, but giving me hints that "she is too tough to crack" and that she would go "emo" on them, ending their relationships.

I knew I couldn't date her. I've played out thousands of different scenarios where we would end up breaking up...after all, if three guys couldn't conquer their relationship with her, how could I? Plus, I am very sure she doesn't like me anyway.

So I eventually "manned up", wrote a love letter telling her that I liked her while giving her roses (this was a year ago), but mentioning and giving emphasis in the letter telling her not to contact me at all (in an attempt to isolate myself from her and stopping the nightmares once and for all). She thanked me for the roses online later that day, but I didn't get a reply of how she felt (because I later deleted her and most of her friends from my internet messaging contact lists). In the letter, I've also indicated to her to destroy the letter (which her sister told me she did), but what she did with the roses is unknown to me at the moment. I never gave her or any of my friends any hints that I liked her (let alone a girl at all), so I think she was quite surprised at this.

Anyway, ever since then, she has tried to make conversation with me a few times before, but luckily has stopped because I always keep ignoring and avoiding her in every form. I refuse to go to the same mall where she works and have become extremely anti-social because I fear I'll meet her again at some point. As for my conditions, I've stopped getting nightmares of her dating other guys. And, I can finally sleep better, which served the purpose of my confession.

I don't want to date her, but I am still attracted to her. I didn't ask for this. I've asked close friends and went on WikiHelp to find tips to end this agonizing crush. I've asked her close friends to describe her darkest traits she has, but in the end, I always find myself still being attracted her as I blush or become clumsy whenever she's near [at school]!

Mixed reactions come from my friends - most in particular telling me to go for her and just bluntly ask her out. Some have given me disappointed reactions and told me to get over her.

In an extreme effect of all of this, every time I see a girl of the same ethnicity as her, I always think of my crush and am unable to develop likings for other girls because my thoughts can't escape my crush!

I hear my crush is single now (probably ending another relationship with another boy or having recovered from a relationship with another boy), and I always try to avoid, but I can't stop thinking that there's a chance for me when I know there's not.

And since I thought we were going different ways once we were ending high school, I now find out that we're both going to the same university! Although it is highly unlikely that we'll meet each other there, the fact that she's going to be there will be running throughout my thoughts, perpetuating this nonsensical love problem.

I mean, I probably could be the only one that makes her happy and/or be the only one who will be successful in dating her, but I don't want to like her.

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Long story short, I need help forgetting a girl I used to like before and have no desire to date her at all (unrequited crush). I have tried nearly everything, but they haven't worked. How do I get out of this?!

Thank you in advance!

[alovehangoverr]

Do you think if you actually did give things a shot [if she's even interested] and things didn't work out you'd be able to get over the crush?

I think you sort of sabotaged yourself with it.. I mean, from the get go this doesn't sound like a healthy infatuation, but I think if you explored it you might have different feelings. I think instead of talking to her ex boyfriends, you should have been talking to her. There are a number of reasons for any given break up.. to lay the blame all on her and basically punish her in a sense just seems a bit odd to me.

There are no sure fire ways to get over a crush.. you just sort of have to make yourself get over it and give it time.

[anonymous44]

Well, in retrospect, I wouldn't have had the courage nor the bravery to even ask her out because for me, it was a first-time thing - in fact, it took the advice of one of the ex-boyfriends to even begin this in the first place. After doing this, my mental health is a lot better than it was a year ago than what it is right now.

Yeah, I also agree that I pretty much sabotaged myself and that I might have experienced different feelings had I dated her, but talking to her in real-life was impossible for me as I would always freeze up or act much more differently than usual when I'm around her. I felt that talking with her ex-boyfriends might have been better, and although they didn't change my opinion of what I was going to do [confess and avoid], they did say I could have successfully dated her had I went for it.

Now that I think about it, talking to her would have probably been the best bet, but due to a low-self esteem, I always thought she had better choices out there like those who were physically stronger and smarter than me.

So the best way from this point on is to just wait it out? It's been a year already, but I'll give it a shot.

Oh, and should I change my attitude if I'm around her or should I keep avoiding her to fix my problem?

Thanks for your input, alovehangoverr!

[corinthian]

So I eventually "manned up", wrote a love letter telling her that I liked her while giving her roses (this was a year ago), but mentioning and giving emphasis in the letter telling her not to contact me at all (in an attempt to isolate myself from her and stopping the nightmares once and for all). She thanked me for the roses online later that day, but I didn't get a reply of how she felt (because I later deleted her and most of her friends from my internet messaging contact lists).

When you say you told her not to contact you at all, do you mean you said "only contact me if you want to be my gf" or did you actually tell her not to contact you regardless of whether she was interested?

Either way, this seems like a really unhealthy thing to say in a letter of this kind, although I can understand how you might feel like that.

I think you have a problem with self-esteem. Don't worry too much about that, lots of people do, but obviously I think you need to try and address that. For me, this is really at the heart of your problems and your feelings about this girl are actually only a symptom of your broader psychological issue. You need to work on yourself and then you will find that your problems with this girl will melt away.

[anonymous44]

corinthian - I meant no contact at all, even if she was interested in me.

And yes, I do think I'm highly unhealthy from this - hence the confession was used to get my obsession of her out of my head.

And thank you for the advice about the self-esteem issue, I'll take that tip wholeheartedly (I would rep you, but it appears I can't give out reps in the same post [I think it meant same topic]).

[Anomaly]

I don't want to be mean, but "manning up" doesn't mean writing her a "love" letter, and in it, telling her not to contact you. That does not sound like love at all, and contradicting yourself, in a letter nonetheless, is the worst thing that you can do. And you admit that it's because you want to get over her. Well, you will not get over her by telling her to never contact you. I think that she took the letter as confusing and as just another reason for her to be not interested. It most likely just drove her further away, and it's at the point of no return. So, I think that you should go out and meet someone new, and forget about the infatuation.. trust me, I'm talking from experience.. Just being honest!