My First Love - What do you think?

[musicalme]

Hi all. I just registered here. I have a bit of a problem. I'm in love for the first time in my life and I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.

I'm 24 years old, female. He is approximately 30 years older than me. Huge age gap here. And he has no idea I have feelings for him. Well, I don't think he does.

I've had crushes before.... I had no idea that there was a difference between having a crush on someone and being IN LOVE with someone before this. Despite the age difference, I have found so many things I have in common with him, and many things with his personality that compliment mine.

I have honestly not had any yearning to date someone before this. Not even with crushes I've had... I had always felt that a bit of attention from them would be nice but the thought of having a personal relation with them didn't appeal to me at all.

So I have absolutely no experience! I've never had a boyfriend, I've never been on a date. I am more amatuer than most 13 year olds I know. I don't know what I'm looking for as far as any responses to this. This isn't a hectic cry for help. Any guidance would help though. Especially if anyone here has had a relationship with a large age gap that has worked.

I'm a very introverted person. I'm not very social and don't go out much. Even with my friends I let them call me and then I pass on most offers to go out. For the first time in my life I approached someone who I've never spent time alone with and asked them out somewhere, to a concert. He accepted. I didn't feel nervous at all asking and I don't feel nervous at all at the prospect of going. At this point it's just a going to a concert with a friend setup too. I don't know if I would be nervous if it was a "date".

I don't know how to progress with this. I feel like if he did have feelings for me he wouldn't tell me because of the age gap... I mean this isn't exactly your run of the mill pairing so obviously either way theres a big chance of rejection. And I have no idea how common it is for a man to be able to click on a personal level with a woman who is significantly younger.

Anyways, right now my "plan" is to just try to get a friendship going outside of the school (which is where I see him). But then? what?

[Gigabitch]

You see him at school because he's an instructor?

[musicalme]

nope, other way around.
I'm an instructor, he's a student.

[carl1222]

The age gap is virtually insurmountable, musical. Conventional wisdom says that at his age, a relationship with anyone much below their early 30s is probably doomed (his age divided by two plus seven is the minimum workable age gap for him).

Before you jump in with both feet for anything more than a fling, ask yourself ... do you want kids? ... he'll be in his 70s before they are grown. You will be vibrant and alive for another another 30 years or more ... his energy will start to seriously wane in 10 or 15.

There is no magic number musical, but ignoring such an age difference would be foolish.

Carl.

[musicalme]

I don't want kids, no.

[vashti]

I hope you have considered the effect this could have on your career and on his marriage (I assume at that age, he is very likely married since the vast majority of men that age are). Professor-student relationships are very much frowned upon. Also, you ask how common it is for older men to click on a personal level... It really isn't that uncommon. Remember - he has a LOT more experience with women than males your own age, and therefore will be better able to minimize the awkwardness and project confidence. Just keep in mind that although YOU may feel some deep connection to him, it is unlikely he will reciprocate those feelings unless he is incredibly immature for his age.

[musicalme]

He's divorced and just moved here. I know that relationships between instructors and students is a big no no. It's a trade school though and he'll be done with the certification in a few months. I wasn't planning on taking anything beyond a friendship level before he finished schooling here. I haven't exactly planned on taking it past friendship ever really because I doubt that he could find the same interest in me that I have in him. I just wanted some input on it all and you guys gave it to me. thanks. Pretty much the same as I was thinking and the same as my mom has said.

As far as it affecting my career I'm in the music industry and so is he, so really any relationship whether personal, or professional tends to help. The transition between instructor/student to equals as far as songwriting and many parts of production happens very quickly. I would not strike anything up past a friendship while he was still a student. Many instructors and students here go see concerts and events together and help each other network so that part is not frowned upon.

[Lonely Island]

30 years?

Damn

[musicalme]

Yeah, I know. right?

And I'm not really thinking "Ohhh but I love him! Age is just a number! I don't care!"

I do care. My biggest issue is the fact that if I did date him would I be dragging him around with me and through experiences where he'll be like "been there... done that..."

[Aeradalia]

It's enough of a feat to overcome an 11 year age gap in my own relationship... cannot imagine a 30 year age gap. In my case... my bf is one decade ahead of me --- that's still quite a lot of time, but not so much so to where we can't find any common ground. However, as it was said earlier... there has to be some form of immaturity in the older of the two (because try as you might, if you are the younger one you can't feign maturity... you can only try to be open-minded, understanding, and very, very patient). In the case of my bf... he is in some regards emotionally immature, a bit withdrawn... whereas other males his own age would normally be more outgoing. Even with all this effort we both actively put in to make this work... I realize that the chances of this relationship failing are higher than if I were to stay within my own age group.

You are also in the same age group as me... which means that your decision to 'not have children' is still subject to change. If I were you... I wouldn't rule out having children until well into the thirties --- let mother nature get a hold of you and see if you still do not want children. Never write off having children just because you feel a relationship may not allow for it and/or you want to please someone (consciously or subconsciously).

The future is very important to take into consideration if you want to be with someone. It's desired that most longterm relationships would last years --- hopefully lifelong. With someone 30 years older, they will endure the travails of life (particularly in regard to aging) long before you do. You will be expected to care for them... sacrifice so much of your youth as they decline... you risk feeling cheated because you only had a few years with them when they were 'healthy' and more years spent caring for them and steadily losing the common ground you both used to share.

Even an 11 year age gap is pushing the limits of the common ground we both have... and how that may decline as we both grow older. Just remember... by the time you finally see things from his perspective in life... he will have already moved on to seeing life in a whole different way --- and in your case, it won't be a slight change, but dramatically different and difficult to keep up with.

[musicalme]

As far as having children goes I've never really been interested and I do have some medical issues that would make carrying and giving birth to a child probably life threatening. I've just never had an urge at all to have my own kids. I didn't make this decision when I fell in love with him. I've leaned towards that choice since I can remember. I have a form of autism and it makes me really sensitive to a lot of noise, white noise, repetitive sounds... I like kids and I can handle baby sitting for a couple hours but more than that pushes it. It brings on panic episodes. I don't think I could ever survive the toddler years with my sanity intact, hahaha.

[musicalme]

Well, this is not fading... I'm still utterly in love with this guy. I don't know what to think...