Am I a fool to cling to hope?

**omens** · 09-04-09, 09:14 AM

So my exgirlfriend broke up with me monday, she said that she is still in love with her ex, because they dated for 3 years and were engaged (they broke up last august, we started dating in February [also, in between that time she saw someone online for a month or so, which she considered a rebound]).

Since then her best friend told me she's been seeing him (mind you I don't trust this person, but it really feeds into my concerns...). She denied it and I believe her. She said that she loves me (but also said that when were were together, everything was amazing, but apart and she became insecure) and that's why this break up was so hard, because it's not fair to me for her to still be hung up on her ex. A fact that became clear to her when she wasn't with me last weekend she said she "didn't miss" me at all, and only thought of me when someone else mentioned me or I talked to her. Yet she said that this was the only time that's happened, and she was afraid that if she kept it going that it was being cruel to me.

Since then we've talked and she said "always wants me in her life". She wants my friendship, she wants to stay single and away from dating. She doesn't see herself ever getting back together with her ex but she's not 100%. So I told her the following:

"I'm going to view our break up as simply taking time apart, I'll be your friend as long as you're single. If, by the time I'm over you, you're not over your ex then I'll honestly move on. But if you start dating someone then it will crush me and I will cut all ties from you. I'll expect the worst in this situation, but hope for the best; I'll hope that you come to your senses and we'll end up together."

So my question about this is, is it too foolish? Is there hope? I don't doubt she loves me, which is why I can trust her in this period, and I fell hard for her, so I know it's going to be awhile before I can date again. I just want to find the path that ends up with us both being happy and together. (It sounds horribly childish, I know.)

**misombra** · 09-04-09, 10:29 AM

put her on the back burner. find a new girl.

**clever_name** · 09-04-09, 04:12 PM

You two have been dating for around two months. Not to be a jerk, but of course she doesn't love you and she probably wasn't over him when you two started dating. She doesn't know who/what she wants right now and you need to just move on, if she wants to be with you she'll come back but don't wait around until she starts dating, cut ties with her now and move on.

**tooxshort** · 09-04-09, 06:07 PM

Don't waste your time hoping ... It looks like you were a rebound of a rebound. It really wasn't necessary to tell her exactly what you plan on doing if she dates someone else. And I'm pretty sure she just said all those nice things to let you down easy. Well, that's what some do to good people.

It might have been wrong to say "come to your senses" ... it sort of comes off as condescending. But I'd move on. I remember you from last year and you haven't taken breakups very well.

Roll with the punches and examine the last 3 relationships you've had ... Is there any kind of trend that you may see? I'm not saying I do, but I'm asking you to take a look.

**omens** · 09-04-09, 08:03 PM

Originally Posted by tooxshort

Don't waste your time hoping ... It looks like you were a rebound of a rebound. It really wasn't necessary to tell her exactly what you plan on doing if she dates someone else. And I'm pretty sure she just said all those nice things to let you down easy. Well, that's what some do to good people.

It might have been wrong to say "come to your senses" ... it sort of comes off as condescending. But I'd move on. I remember you from last year and you haven't taken breakups very well.

Roll with the punches and examine the last 3 relationships you've had ... Is there any kind of trend that you may see? I'm not saying I do, but I'm asking you to take a look.

So then I should cut ties? Thats what I ended up doing with my last relationship (the one you talked about) when she wanted to hangout and be my friend again; while it felt relieving for the first six months or so, I also kind of wish I'd kept light contact with her, and yet when I was her friend the only thing I could think about was that I always wanted to be more....Kind of convoluted

**alovehangoverr** · 10-04-09, 02:29 AM

Definitely cut ties.

She's told you she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. She's told you that she didn't even miss you when you were gone. She's told you she's not over her ex.

It's time to listen.

You making that little claim about "oh we'll be friends, but if you find someone else our friendship is over," is ridiculous. Listen, you can't be this girls friend if you're constantly hoping it'll turn into something more. You can't be her friend if when she finds someone who makes her happy, you bail out because it's not you. Sounds a bit manipulative, and yes-- foolish.

Do her a favor and remove yourself from the situation so she can deal with her own shit. Do YOURSELF a favor and remove yourself from the situation so you can move on and find someone more worthwhile to put your time into.

**omens** · 10-04-09, 03:19 AM

Originally Posted by alovehangoverr

Definitely cut ties.

She's told you she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. She's told you that she didn't even miss you when you were gone. She's told you she's not over her ex.

It's time to listen.

You making that little claim about "oh we'll be friends, but if you find someone else our friendship is over," is ridiculous. Listen, you can't be this girls friend if you're constantly hoping it'll turn into something more. You can't be her friend if when she finds someone who makes her happy, you bail out because it's not you. Sounds a bit manipulative, and yes-- foolish.

Do her a favor and remove yourself from the situation so she can deal with her own shit. Do YOURSELF a favor and remove yourself from the situation so you can move on and find someone more worthwhile to put your time into.

The thing is, she was depressed about even thought of not having me in her life. But I guess you're probably right... I'm supposed to see her Tuesday afternoon, for the first time since we broke up, how do I do it without being an asshole? Just tell her I can't be her friend, and to gimme a call when she's over him? Just be her friend online? Try taking a break for awhile?

**carl1222** · 10-04-09, 04:18 AM

Originally Posted by omens

The thing is, she was depressed about even thought of not having me in her life. But I guess you're probably right... I'm supposed to see her Tuesday afternoon, for the first time since we broke up, how do I do it without being an asshole? Just tell her I can't be her friend, and to gimme a call when she's over him? Just be her friend online? Try taking a break for awhile?

DON'T, DON'T, DON'T do it!!!!

Here's what you should do: "Just tell her I can't be her friend." then stop torturing yourself with false hope like "gimme a call when she's over him" or "taking a break for awhile".

Omens, it may take her YEARS to get over him, if ever.

Carl.

**misombra** · 10-04-09, 04:26 AM

you're digging your own grave by meeting up with her.

**omens** · 10-04-09, 05:13 AM

I have to pick up some of my stuff from her place, and I have some of hers. She told me to move on and if we're both single then we can try again. So I will just make it a quick stop by and let her know that I can't be her friend, if, while I'm there I see that I can be I won't say it then and there. It seems like a logical compromise

**carl1222** · 10-04-09, 06:22 AM

Well, since it's only been a few days, the extra damage won't be disasterous. Keep it short though.

Carl.