What do women really want? I'm a little lost

[AlexanderStylus]

Hello.

I guess I'm doing this because I just need to get it out. I would like a few replies, maybe even a suggestion or two, but as I have never done anything like this before I'm not too sure what too expect.

Okay lets start. I'm a guy, I turned 22 in January, and I suppose I'm looking for help to put myself back together? Find myself? I dunno.

I'm decent enough looking. I'm a big guy (build pretty strong), but not fat; sure I would like to lose a little weight but who doesn't? I go to the gym when I can (1-3 times a week, but not every week) and I wear nice button down shirts and jeans a lot.

Thing is I don't date a lot.

I've had a few first dates, but nothing long enough to say I was seeing anyone. Why? Well, I'm not shy by any measure of the word. I'm usually the guy at the social or your fiends house that starts dancing in front of the stereo when everyone is stuck to the walls that first five minutes; or grabs a baseball bat and ball and stops the rest of the guys from driving their heads into the table from boredom at a wedding social.

I was the goofy guy who tried to get along with everyone in high school but somehow always drew the attention of the bullies, and all the teachers just told me to stop fooling around with my friends if I didn't want to get hurt. I never fought back because I cannot stand hurting people if it's just me. The only reason it stopped was because they went after someone I thought was a friend and I defended them.

Kinda drifting ain't I?

Lets get back too it.

I'm looking for some advice because I'm tired of – now I don't want to seem like I just want attention – but, well.... hurting.

I have liked a few women enough to try to ask them out, but I always seem to be blinded.

The two friends to whom I have admitted how I view beauty in women have both said it's odd and one even went as far as saying 'artistic'.

I'm looking for an equal. Someone to connect mentally and who has a bright and fun loving personality. Someone that I can talk to and just be me around. The Physical doesn't matter that much too me. You probably snorted right there, but I swear to you its true. I put no store in the 'super model' 'skinny' mentality that seems so common today. I actually find it a major turn off. When I notice something physical about a woman its different.

I love little bits of them ( not meant in a creepy way). Not big busts or slim waists.

For instance I was at the dentist a few days ago and I noticed the nurse had the cutest forehead I had ever seen. I have no idea why it was so cute, but I really liked it. Another time I just loved this one girls hands. Or another time she had this little mole right above her lip. I think she was self-conscious of it, but I thought it was beautiful.

I've been put down and crushed quite a few times because I look for personality rather then the physical.

Almost two years ago was the last time I asked a girl out. We worked for the same company (I know, but I couldn't help it. She was just so kind. I felt so … I dunno, at ease around her.) and I had wanted to get to know her better for nearly six months. I had waited so long because I knew she was very good looking, someone I thought at one time I had no chance with.

So we were both in the lunch room. We weren't alone, there were some people in the smoking room attached and a few people in the hall just outside the room – you could even see them. I had found out she didn't have a boy friend a few weeks ago and decided I wanted to try to ask her to meet me for a coffee at the mall or something.

I remember that I was so scared. I hadn't had any luck before – but I knew that she was a good person, even if she didn't like me that way she would at least let me down easy.

I cannot for the life of me remember exactly what I had said to her, but I spoke surely and made a good amount of eye contact while still staying in my chair across the table from her as too not seem intimidating. I said my piece and waited, my heart thundering and my hands shaking, just waiting for her answer.

She got up and left without even looking at me.

It hurt a lot. I suppose she was just unused to dealing with that sort of thing. ( she's seeing one of the other employee's now and apparently he's her second boyfriend). But I was just so tired of failing. Of trying to better myself everyday and everyday having nothing to show for it.

I was too nervous to admit this on here before, but I am a virgin. I have never had a first kiss, if you don't count the time I was helping one of my little sisters' drunk friends and she went for it – scared the hell outta me. I have never just held someone's hand in the movies or walking down the street.

It used to – and still sometimes does kill me to just see a couple walking down the street doing something as innocent as talking close or holding hands. Or when I get on the bus the girl at the back has fallen asleep with her head on her boyfriend shoulder. A kiss goodbye in the park or a promise to meet over the phone. It hurts so badly because I want to have something like that, would give anything to have something like that, but I cannot understand why I can't.

The two first dates I have been on were when the girl asked me out. I have never gotten a 'yes' when I tried to ask someone out myself. I believe in the 'friends' first thing, and I could never just go up to someone in a bar, but I always get put down rather hard with sneers from people whom I once thought were nice.

I'm a guy, but for some screwed up reason I have always wanted a long term relationship. I am ridiculed by my friends because I always turn down the drunk girl who wants to sleep with me. I believe that sex should mean something. Not that I stand with that 'no sex before marriage' stuff... but I also think its a sign of trust and to be that venerable around someone I know very little about scares me. That and I know I'm going to be terrible that first time and I need someone that would understand. Ha, ever more weird is that I'm a guy and I have never feared commitment or marriage, hell I can honestly say I did have day dreams about having someone there at my side always when I was just fourteen. I love kids and since I'm the oldest of five I know how to handle them and for the most part I have never met one who disliked me. Hell, I want kids when I have the proper means to support them.

Two years ago I gave up. I was angry. Every woman I had ever known was in a relationship with someone who either had money or was build like schwarzenegger. Up until then I had always told myself that although I may never have a hundred thousand in the bank, or pec's like vin diesel; I was a good listener. I would never hurt them, physically or emotionally. I would never cheat on them or crush their dreams. I would support them in every way I could. I would never have money or power or anything like that; but everything I did have I would give to them.

Then, and now, all I wanted was for someone to talk too. Someone who would be there for me when I was hurt or stumbled, as I would be for them. I wanted someone to sit on the couch with an watch a rental movie with over a bowl of popcorn.

All I ever wanted was for someone to tell me that I was enough.

I just wanted to be enough for one person. I didn't have to be the stronger or have the most money. I never feel the need to but head with the other guys and I think the 'macho' thing is just stupid. I just wanted to be enough for someone.

Almost two years ago I just broke. I stopped trying. I thought that if nobody wanted me; that if all they wanted was a 'hot body' and money then fine. I didn't care anymore. If I had to become a miserable muscle-headed bastard to get someone to care for me then so ****ing be it.

I thinned down and got much paler. I was miserable all the time and very angry. I hated it and I eventually stopped.

I just wanted to be important to someone. I can't ever just meet someone in a bar or follow most of what the guys I know say. Its just not me and, frankly I find when the guys I know start talking about 'nailing this chick they met last night' I find them kinda disgusting.

I have never spoken of any of this to anyone. I know my best friend can guess at most of this but like most males he doesn't like to talk about things like this, even though I'd be here for him if he needed to talk or something.

I guess I mostly just needed to get my thoughts out and on paper... maybe even get some input from other people.

-thanks for listening to my rambling
-Alexander – pseudonym by the way

[Mish]

What do women really want?

This is like asking "What do Germans really want?"

World Peace and good beer?

You can't get any more specific.


Work on your conversation and approaching skills. Socialize, approach new people and get a feeling for making new friends wherever they may be (without any romantic feelings). Once you master this skill, once you feel confident in initiating contact with strangers, creating a comfortable environment for conversation, enjoying their company and making them enjoy yours, then you will be ready for the next step which is pick up.

Also if you have to work on your physical appearance do so, look the way you'd look to make you want to hook up with you.

[12many]

Man, that was like a book...jk.

TBH i was kinda sadden by that. I know some girls are shallow like that and some aren't. I stopped trying too because of the way i was raised up. I had a lot of hate in me because of my dad who always dissed me everyday, even now. That prevented me from being too social because of the things he said to me. It really affected the way i think about people and it sucks. I am shy around girls and i don't know what to say to them because my heart would always beat faster than normal. I hated the feeling of being rejected or the thought of being rejected, so i just stopped trying. so far, i've had gfs but they were the ones that chased me, not me chasing after them. It was fine with me because i didn't have to work for it. They always tell me that i looked "cute." My looks mean nothing to me too. i want that someone that can share my thoughts with me and be myself when im with them. I know you must've heard this " find someone that will like you for who you are." That is true. Currently, im in one but theres ups and downs to it. oops sorry talked about myself..kk back to you.

Just be yourself around woman, if one woman don't like you, well guess what? there's a million more out there. You say you're 22 right? well, think about it, it's not like your going to die tomorrow or 2 days from now. You have your whole life ahead of you. you WILL find someone out there. You can keep trying or not but sooner or later you are going to meet her. it might now be now or tomorrow but it will come.

My parents have always said to me that, put school and family first ahead of everything. i do (at times) listen to that but not all the time, but i think you should. You might not know it yet or you already do, but having a gf is hard work (i think). if your busy like me, i rather dump my gf and focus on school and work first because i know i'll find someone out there. at the same time......im kinda scared to let her go because what if i dont? lol dam that was me again..sorry.

Here's one thing i did notice though. Some girls like it when guys pay attention to little details.

ie.
theres this girl at work, she just got hired and i noticed things about her. i told her and she liked that about me.
-her nails(she didnt have them done), but couples days later she had them done.
-her hair(she does it diff. everyday)
-her ankle bracelet
-her earings
-her eyes
-the way she smells. (i asked her if she was wearing victoria secret, the love spell one and she said yea.) she was amused by it and she kinda bragged on about how i notice little things about her that most guys wouldnt notice. (that's what she said.)


stuff like that....i guess...

unfortunately, i asked her out and............. REJECTED. lol, but i took no offense, we are just friends now which is fine with me. wish i hadn't though so there wouldnt be that awkward feeling at times. She's still fine with going out to dinner with me or chillin somewhere, which is good.

[Cbrider]

The first thing you need to do is take the pressure off yourself, especially physical appearance.

You're in a hard spot at the moment, it might sound like a rash generalization, but people our age have somewhat questionable standards. There are plenty of girls out there who feel like you but are just as fearful of stepping up.

This sounds really strange but I swear by it. You will have a difficult time finding a good relationship if you're looking. You're more likely to settle for something that comes along rather than someone you truly hit it off with. When you think you have hit it off with someone when you're looking and when you hit it off with someone out of the blue are two COMPLETELY different connections. If you're looking you aren't being 100% you, you're bending yourself to draw more attention from girls. Its no different than trying to body build for attention. You will get attention, but its going to be from primarily material and/or dingbat women. Women appreciate a good body, but a lot of women are turned off by gym rat guys I have noticed.

You need to relax and take some pressure off yourself. If you're trying to change your physical appearance to attract women, you're going to be disappointed. Women are very good at seeing through deception, much better in general than men.

You need to stop worrying about a relationship and focus on making friends and going out to do things, THAT is what will lead to a relationship. Relationships are about networking, its a game of "who you know." Most people don't meet their spouse or partner in a random encounter. 9 out of 10 times, couples are introduced through friends, or friends of friends. You will be at a party or activity with friends and inevitably a girl will walk by that grabs your attention. It will then turn to a game of "who's that girl over there?" "Oh thats so and so's friend from...."

Part of a healthy relationship is a natural spark or as some people call it a chemical connection. Its hard to explain, but there is a connection between two people that occurs naturally and can't really be explained, its just something that happens.

I have a parallel belief to you when it comes to sex. I have had one night stands and loving relationships. The sex is completely different and relationship sex is ten fold better. One night stands are physically satisfying, but relationship sex is emotionally and mentally satisfying....much more meaningful than one night stands. I respect you for your views on sex, not a lot of people see it that way.

You're friends are just typical 22 year old males. I can go downtown and bring home a girl no problem, its not hard, its also not satisfying. Go out and be yourself, its easier to understand that after you have had a relationship. Right now I don't want a girlfriend, I just simply have no interest. Since I have that mindset, I act as myself, I don't put pressure on myself to be who I am not, just to impress.

I don't say this next part to brag, I say it to make a point. Every time I have gone out since deciding that I want to fly solo, inevitably there has been a girl that found me attractive and asked for my number from myself or a friend. I make it very clear that I am not looking for a relationship which bums some of them out, but most of them understand. I'm in no hurry to find a girlfriend, I figure I will know the right one when i meet her because she will blow me away. That is the power of being yourself, you have to relax.

I'm just a normal ordinary guy like you. I have pictures in the gallery, I'm not a model or some super ripped guy, just an ordinary person who is happy within his own skin.

Keep asking for numbers, theres a reason people date around. You need to meet different people to start a list of what you want in a future partner, just don't view everything as a potential relationship. You're over thinking it all.

-Eric

[Lonely Island]

All women are the same

Money Hungry

[Petit Papillon]

Good movie plus package of favourite chips and can of coke ...and chest of her S.O. to have a place where to lay her head on ,and his arm behind her,making her feel safe and beloved.

[doppelgaenger]

They want to be happy

[Petit Papillon]

Good movie plus package of favourite chips and can of coke ...and chest of her S.O. to have a place where to lay her head on ,and his arm behind her,making her feel safe and beloved.

=

They want to be happy

This is what happiness and peace mean to me

[MichelleVasquez]

Alexander,

The behavior you describe is that of a nice guy. You don't want to be a "nice guy" because he's the one the girls want to "just be friends" with. You want to be the man who is confident and knows where he is going. People will follow that man.

As far as what women want, that depends on their age. Women in their teens and early twenties may not be ready to form a serious relationship. They may have the "girls just want to have fun" mentality.

Perhaps women in their late 20's are looking for a man who will make a good provider and father for their future children. Women in their 30's and 40's may be looking for companionship and security. Of course, these are generalizations and I only listed a few possibilities.

The real point is not about simply figuring out what women want, but learning what you can do to create attraction in the women you are interested in. I can tell you with certainty that women are looking for men who are confident and who take the lead. A lot of times, this means women will be attracted to "bad boys." Now, I'm not telling you to be a bad boy, of course. Nor do I want you to treat women badly because it seems to work for the bad boys. You are a good man and I want you to stay that way (but get rid of the "nice guy" mentality).

Perhaps, you would do well to work on learning as much as you can about yourself and building your confidence and leadership skills. One great way to do this is to join Toastmasters. It's relatively inexpensive and you'll be in a supportive environment where you learn at your own pace. Go to toastmasters.org to find a club near you. I was an active Toastmaster for many years, so I speak from experience.

I also recommend a book by Dr. Robert Glover called No More Mister Nice Guy. He has a web site you can check out, I think by the same name as the book.

I wish you the best in your quest to create the life you love! Michelle