I'm not sure what to do...

[WanderingAuthor]

Hi everyone,

I have written here before, but now am in need of a different kind of advice: What should I do about this situation?

To start, I have been with my girlfriend for six months. Things have been going fairly smoothly (in terms of the relationship) but I have a bit of a dilemna. I just don't think I'm much 'into' it anymore, but don't really know how to handle it/what to do.

Here's the thing that is killing my attraction from my girl; she has 0 self esteem. I mean 0. She hates herself, she has so much self-loathing (more then most that I have seen) she can't bare to look at herself in a mirror, and talks badly of herself daily. A few nights ago, I tried talking to her about this issue and she just burst into tears, accompanied with the words, "Stop touching me! Stop touching me!" over and over. I asked what her issue was, and it was that she thought herself so ugly that she didn't want me to even lay a finger on her.

I'm just very lost here, and would need some advice to anyone willing to give it. She is a great girl, and I love her very very much...but it's the psychological issues that are turning me away time and time again. This isn't the first time this has happened.

Anyone have some advice? Does she need professional assistance? I have tried talking to her about these things, but she doesn't want to change. She hates it, but doesn't wish to rectify a single thing.

Thanks in advance!

[Gigabitch]

she can't bare to look at herself in a mirror,

Good pun. Really.

Um, I think you should stop touching her. Stop looking at her. Stop dating her. She's too messed up to have a boyfriend, and these problems are not YOUR problems.

[WanderingAuthor]

Thanks for the speedy response

*sigh* I think you might be right in the end, Giga. I guess I just don't want to tell myself that since I already have way too much invested in this already (told her I never wanted to leave her, wanted to marry her, you get the drill.) Plus, I'm living with her as well, which complicates things to the third power.

She's just such a fragile person...and a virgin when I met her. I was her first, and she holds that very dear to herself. Is there any logical way I can somehow deal with this without astronomically hurting her/getting my ass beat by her friends?

[Gigabitch]

You could offer to go to couples therapy with her. The counselor will suggest private sessions with her. Maybe she just needs for you to hold her hand (metaphorically, of course, since she's too ugly to hold hands and all).

[IndiReloaded]

Was she always like this? I bet not b/c something made you two want to date. Something has changed in your relationship. Care to elaborate a bit on that?

Sorry Gig, but you know me. I don't think things happen in a vacuum.

[WanderingAuthor]

To be honest, Indi, things weren't always like this (not noticeably, in the least.) Sure, she probably still thought herself in the same way as she did now, and she would still do certain things hinting toward her thoughts, but never acting out like that. I remember that the first 2-3 months were some of the best/most fun I've had with a girl. Now...well, it just seems like a chore.

Could it be the prospect of a relationship that is getting to her?

[IndiReloaded]

Okay, well, this is a sign that *something* has changed, right? I would say that's something to think about. Whatever you two were doing before worked & gave you positive interaction. Try to figure out what has changed & recreate those early conditions if you want to stay together. It may be something as simple as being more careful about each others feelings, more like how strangers would treat each other. That's just a guess, btw.

And, no offense to Giga, but I don't really think its reasonable to invest in counselling for such a short-term relationship. Sure, it might make you feel better for trying, but if you can't sort this out at this point I don't see much point in continuing the relationship. Things will only get harder, not easier, as far as this type of issue goes. My two cents. Good luck.

[alovehangoverr]

Sounds like you rushed into things wayyy too fast with this girl before finding out all her issues. You've only been together 6 months, gave her your virginity, moved in with her, and told her you wanted to marry her/never leave her.

Of course they first 2-3 months were incredible-- they're supposed to be. It's a nice honeymoon stage before you start realizing the person you're dating actually has flaws/issues/etc.

I hope you learned a lesson here.

As for what you should do now.. there's obviously something going on with her. If she's as self loathing as you say and lacks self esteem she should look into getting some real help. The fact that you've brought it up and she refuses means there's not a whole lot you can do here. If a person doesn't want to change, they won't. If you don't feel you can handle this being an ongoing issue get out now.. putting more time into it will only make it more difficult later.

[Gigabitch]

And, no offense to Giga, but I don't really think its reasonable to invest in counselling for such a short-term relationship.

It's not for them. It's just to get her in the door, so he can sneak out and get on with his life. What kind of crazy antics do you think she'll get up to if he simply breaks up with her?

I wonder if having sex made her feel dirty.