love but not in love

[Joker]

My girlfriend of 7 months yesterday told me she loved me but wasn't in love with me. She said she's always felt like this but has been trying to ignore it and has always felt like this with every relationship except her first.

She said she still wants to be with me, doesn't want to lose me and loves me as a boyfriend but can't make me her whole world and wants to get on with her life.

She said she loves me as if we've been together forever and as friends forever but doesn't want to be friends with me. She says (and i've known this for a while) that she's not lovey dovey or showing her feelings type of person. She doesn't like holding hands in public or any public displays of affection, or want to get married cos she thinks it's pointless.

She's been hurt by every relationship before and she's pretty much done with love and we both feel that's partly to blame. She feels I don't really love her and just think I do because this is my first proper relationship.

She described her love for me as

"another kind of love which comes when your in a relationship but your not in love with that person. The kind which keeps people together even when your not destined to be together forever."

I don't know what to say or think here

[Houdini]

Well, obviously the girl needs to change her train-of-thought. She shouldn't give up on love but I know things can get rough sometimes.

I wouldn't push my feelings if I were you, she's probably traumatized terribly. Though I may be wrong saying this but I suppose it's apparent that you want her to be with you still. That's okay, just give her the time and space she needs. In the meantime, you can support her in any kind of way possible (if needed), just don't overdo it.

But I think that's all you can do, leave the rest to her.

Good luck!

[Joker]

yeah she has been traumatised severly, I just don't know if our relationship has a future...

I kept saying that to her last night after she said it and I think it affected her

[Houdini]

That's rather harsh. Well, you said it already so I guess just let it sink in to her mind.

[Joker]

That's rather harsh. Well, you said it already so I guess just let it sink in to her mind.

well i guess I just want to be with someone who's serious with me

I feel lately she's been so distant and she always puts me last as a priority and sometimes I feel the only thing keeping me in this relationship is that I don't know if I can move on or live with her being with someone else. I don't even think anyone else will remotely be interested in me

[Pikeman85]

I will be honest. Your relationship sounds doomed. Either because she has been hurt or she just doesn't feel it anymore, or ever.

I have been in a situation where that sort of attachment keeps you IN the relationship, but you don't want to be together anymore, and it eventually ends and often poorly, the longer you keep it going.

She needs to also realize that it is not just some sort of crazy passion that keeps a relationship going. A friend of mine has a similar issue, actually, to your girlfriend.

She was only really crazy about one of the first guys she was with, and after that defines being in love as being completely crazy/nuts for a guy and can't think of the idea of being in love without some sort of ridiculous craziness.

Perhaps that is your gfs problem.

[Mish]

I don't know what to say or think here

Tell her to get lost

[Joker]

Tell her to get lost

I would, but I'm not emotionally ready to let her go....I feel so stuck here

[Mish]

I would, but I'm not emotionally ready to let her go....I feel so stuck here

It doesn't look like you have a lot of choice unfortunately. The most you can do is have a talk with her saying that this arrangement where she is in relationship with someone she doesn't love is not suitable for you or at least make the moving on gradual and gradually spend less time with her. If love is not there, it's not there, there is not a lot you can do. You can't change yourself to be someone else that she will love.

[Joker]

It doesn't look like you have a lot of choice unfortunately. The most you can do is have a talk with her saying that this arrangement where she is in relationship with someone she doesn't love is not suitable for you or at least make the moving on gradual and gradually spend less time with her. If love is not there, it's not there, there is not a lot you can do. You can't change yourself to be someone else that she will love.

yeah spent the last few days out with mates, trying to arrange I time to talk with her but she's not replying to anything

[starbuck]

Sorry to hear this, Joker. There's not much more we can tell you here except for move on. If she's not in love with you, then what's the point of continuing?

You WILL find a new girl. Don't let the fear of future rejections make you stuck on someone who isn't reciprocating feelings.

[Joker]

Well the only contact i've had with her recently is a drunken phone call from her saying she loved me and was sorry for something..

otherwise my texts have gone unreplied and saw her on msn but she logged out as soon as I came on....

I've set a deadline for myself which is the end of this week, if things don't improve or aren't established by then I will break things off