Doormats

[Rollerderby]

Is there anyway to shape a guy out of his doormat tendencies? A lot of guys seem to have this problem: the inability to make a decision on what we are going to do, or just yes me because he's a bit rose-tinted? I know that these stages won't last, and if I let him, let me walk on him we are both going to resent it in the long run. I want to help him be a man. How?

[vashti]

I consider this quality to be a personality trait, which means it isn't going to change. Why don't you just look for males that already have what you are looking for, and save the more gentle-natured guys for people who are looking for that quality?

[Mish]

Can you give a bit more description on his door mat behaviour? People could say yes to you for a variety of different reasons.

[Rollerderby]

it's nothing to do with gentle-natured. It has to do with being a pushover... something which can be overcome. There's a difference. I'm just looking for ways to potentially nudge and see if personal growth is there. Challenging partners to be better partners and whatnot.

[Rollerderby]

Can you give a bit more description on his door mat behaviour? People could say yes to you for a variety of different reasons.

me: what do you want to do?
him: I don't care whatever you want to do.
Me: (I throw some suggestions out)
him: anything you want.

Just basically wanting some assertive decision making.

Edit: this is just an example. Mostly, I want him to push back when I push against him. You know, have balls. Challenge each other.

[IndiReloaded]

He just needs to learn to be more assertive. Its a common problem for both men & women. There are lots of resources for this, but here's a decent start:

[url]http://www.pioneerthinking.com/ej_assertive.html[/url]

[Mish]

me: what do you want to do?
him: I don't care whatever you want to do.
Me: (I throw some suggestions out)
him: anything you want.

Just basically wanting some assertive decision making.

Edit: this is just an example. Mostly, I want him to push back when I push against him. You know, have balls. Challenge each other.

He could be saying that because he feels like doing whatever, it may not be an indication of a "doormatness". How long have you been together? I know that after one year in a relationship I really don't care what we do as well, everything has already been tried by that stage and it's just another day.

[Cbrider]

I know for me, I never really pushed back out of fear of upsetting the other person. Its stupid when I think about it now, but honestly, the only way I overcame it was to get stomped on from head to toe. Now I am a dick if you really push me and not afraid to put you in your place.

I have to find the fine line between assertive and overpowering.

I suggest you refrain from offering up ideas, make him think about it and come up with something. I don't know how to go about convincing him of this, but make sure he feels okay with disagreeing with you. That could just lead to a bigger problem in the end though.....honestly I think its just a get burned and learn thing.

[Rollerderby]

I'm dating a few different people right now. It's not so much about one person or the other, it's more of asking generally, if you were to notice someone is a doormat, how do you help them out of it?

[vashti]

I don't think you should. Why settle for a fixer-upper?

You should read Frasbee's "Knight in Shining Armour" thread.

[Cbrider]

I'm dating a few different people right now. It's not so much about one person or the other, it's more of asking generally, if you were to notice someone is a doormat, how do you help them out of it?

Let some bitch manipulate the shit out of em until they realize whats going on and shit hits the fan. Worked perfectly for me.

You're setting yourself up for the shining knight syndrome, its not something you can really help as a romantic partner, it will develop a dependency more than likely.

[Rollerderby]

But conversely, no one is perfect. Good thread to read though, I can see some good insight in that.

No one is manipulating anyone cbrider. I'm nobody's girlfriend, and both are somewhat new. If and when one gets serious, I'll do the choosing then. But let's please stay on topic.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, it would be a shame to dump a perfectly nice fellow simply b/c he lacks some confidence. Assertiveness can be learned, tho its good to learn it properly. Some ppl become assholes & that's not what its about either.

Anyway, sounds like you are having fun dating around, Derby.

[Rollerderby]

Well, it would be a shame to dump a perfectly nice fellow simply b/c he lacks some confidence. Assertiveness can be learned, tho its good to learn it properly. Some ppl become assholes & that's not what its about either.

Anyway, sounds like you are having fun dating around, Derby.

Thanks indie, and yes he is a pretty decent fellow with some great qualities. He is young, that much is sure, but I'd like to help bring out the best in him. Which, you know, is what partners should be doing anyway. I see this as different from changing someone, I agree with you and think that this kind of thing can be learned as opposed to some traits which are set in stone.

[Mish]

I think you might be judging some one too soon. The evidence does not fit the label.