Is he abusive? What should I do?

[gerberakasbah]

Responding to various people...
I said he was abusive, and I have spoken to a psychologist who recommended us going to therapy, thats why Im trying to find out what type of abusive personality he has and no he has a great respect for women... its not a sexist thing, he explodes at men more often than me.

I am not lashing out at everyone, there have been a lot of people that have been very helpful, however I do not find calling someone names helpful. I do not respond well or take insults. Yes, I did come here for advice, not to be berated.

And no, the three times he has lost it do not work for me, the times he has been there do (and no they dont even out, which is why we are going to therapy and getting him help) if he doesnt change there is no way I could stay in this relationship. I am not saying that I ever would. But I do want to at least try to help him before I bail out and run. And as for sterilization, though I doubt he would ever hit a child, I am way too focussed on my career and his right now and am far too young to worry about kids now. I have already told him that I wont have kids until he has gotten his anger under control for at least five to ten years.

[gerberakasbah]

Yggdrasil, thank you for all the advice and while I know that you dont agree with my course of action, thank you for respecting it and giving me advice aimed towards helping the situation. I really appreciate it and the boarderline info you gave me was spot on, and I will set boundaries and take a step back while he works on this.

[gerberakasbah]

"I have NO patience for women that make excuses or try to rationalize evil behavior.

If I could reach you, gerber, I'd smack you too."

Do you not think its possible your own history has marred your feelings in this subject? You dont know my situation, and I have no patience for people who judge and threaten rather than try to help and listen to what other people are actually saying. I am not making excuses, I said he was verbally abusive, he is getting help, and it doesnt work then thats fine, Im gone.
As for smacking me, I wouldnt try it if I were you lol, I dont respond well to crap like that either. Although I do find it ironic that a lot of the people in this forum are telling me that he is evil and horrible because he calls me names and has smacked me on the back of the head. Meanwhile, they are calling me names and telling me they'd like to smack me....
That wouldnt go well, Id do the same thing I did to him when he did it, I dont take people's bs lightly.

[IndiReloaded]

I dont take people's bs lightly.

Except for your BF's, apparently. What a contradiction you are!

Anyway, it sounds like you've made up your mind to stay with this guy, so good luck. Just remember: he is *lucky* you are choosing to stay with him while he deals with his shit. You don't owe him this, it is a gift. So, if things don't improve (and I suggest you set yourself a time schedule for this), feel free to put down your self-inflicted cross at any point.

[gerberakasbah]

Thanks. I know I dont owe him anything. And I dont take his bs lightly. If he hits me I hit back harder. And if he does something inappropriate I tell him. I have no cross, because despite efforts from others on this board to paint me as such I am not a victim. I am just not ready to give up on someone that easily. I think its our culture today that just divorces and separates left and right for everything from psychological problems to wanting to sleep around. If he puts me in danger or cheats, he's gone. But he does not make me feel afraid, and he does nothing bad to my self-esteem (yes he has sworn at me, but the majority of the time he tells me how lucky he is and that he doesnt deserve me and praises my strengths and pushes me to do whatever I want to do). Like I said, Ive had problems which effected him in the past (everything one person does in a relationship effects the other) and he didnt run away, and I dont see any need to do that to him now.

[Doc Durian]

Thanks. I know I dont owe him anything. And I dont take his bs lightly. If he hits me I hit back harder. And if he does something inappropriate I tell him. I have no cross, because despite efforts from others on this board to paint me as such I am not a victim. I am just not ready to give up on someone that easily. I think its our culture today that just divorces and separates left and right for everything from psychological problems to wanting to sleep around. If he puts me in danger or cheats, he's gone. But he does not make me feel afraid, and he does nothing bad to my self-esteem (yes he has sworn at me, but the majority of the time he tells me how lucky he is and that he doesnt deserve me and praises my strengths and pushes me to do whatever I want to do). Like I said, Ive had problems which effected him in the past (everything one person does in a relationship effects the other) and he didnt run away, and I dont see any need to do that to him now.

As long as he's willing to grow, as you are.... then it's all good. Abuse is wrong, no if's and's or but's about it.

But good for you in that you've not accepted it, nor let it go unanswered.

Eye for an eye and all that.

Hopefully you both can see eye to eye one day in totalness... and then you'll have a relationship most would wage war for.

(Although, if your relationship degenerates further.... listen to the others and have a plan. Nothing wrong with weighing every option.)

[Yggdrasil]

True friends are the ones who will help you get rid of the body, oh yes.

I can't remember what happend to the body... never mind...

[misombra]

lol you're crazy for staying with this guy. good luck to you.

[Yggdrasil]

Yggdrasil, thank you for all the advice and while I know that you dont agree with my course of action, thank you for respecting it and giving me advice aimed towards helping the situation. I really appreciate it and the boarderline info you gave me was spot on, and I will set boundaries and take a step back while he works on this.

Yeah, I'd rather see you out of that relation, but I know I can't make you.

I understand you have to do all this on your own terms.

So the only thing I can do is respect your decision and provide you with as much advice as possible on how to protect yourself. I hope I succeeded in doing so.

Like vashti said, have a safety net. Make sure you set someone money aside that he can't touch (in a savings account in your name or so) that will enable you to survive for say 2 months while you also have enough for a deposit on an apartment and that you have a bag with clothes handy somewhere with a friend or family member, before you set your boundaries, this just in case it becomes rough.

I sincerely hope things will work out for you.

Good luck and courage.

[Gigabitch]

Do you not think its possible your own history has marred your feelings in this subject?

Baaahahahaaa! You should hear yourself, really.

Yeah, oh snap, you got me. Growing up in an abusive environment has "marred my feelings" about abusers. I just don't have the open mind about this kind of thing that you do. I must be twisted.

Look, make up your mind. Either you agree he's abusive or you don't. Your comments that you don't think it's abuse if he doesn't hit you hard enough for it to hurt are just plain creepy.

Enjoy lollipop land. I hear the Pepsi is free.

[IndiReloaded]

Growing up in an abusive environment has "marred my feelings" about abusers. I just don't have the open mind about this kind of thing that you do.

"Abusers have feelings *too*, you know..."

LMAO! Giga, where have you been?