my newest mess,am I being paranoid for nothing????PLEASE help!

[lightning88]

Ok,I'll try to make this story as short as I can.

for about two months I been dating this girl named Jess,I've fallen madly in love with Jess,I love her more than anything in the world,I thought she was my dream girl.......until a week ago....

Jess asked me to go to a bbq with her friends with her,me and Jess were together like constantly. so of course I went,well the friend that had the bbq was an ok guy but one of the friends at the bbq asked Jess to go to his house and we did,he gave her pot,and me and her both do it so i dont mind,but I do mind how much he gave her for hours until she couldnt even see stright,then I find out she slept with this guy before we met.

needless to say I was very uncomfotable with him,I told her that,and I called him names,she basiclly told me its too bad I dont like him,so I said I dont want her going there without me (for obvious reasons) she said she would anyway and that i needed to trust her,and she has a few times now without me,we almost broke up over this,and really the only reason I take it is because there is always other people there.

well,today she told me she was going to go there and get drunk with him and the others and stay the night there,she justifyed it by saying there would be another girl there and the guys would be in a different room,i flipped out until she decided not to go. But even so I'm very disturbed by this. I had said if she wanted to drink I'd go and take care of her and bring her home after,she told me no because shes uncomfotable drinking around me because she knows I hate her friend.

again we have almost split over this,I do not think she has cheated on me. and I want to trust her,and I do trust her with her other friends alone all the time,but this is to far for me,I cannot take her doing this. I guess what i really want to hear is opinions,am I being paraniod or is this as insane as I'm seeing it????

I love her very much and dont want to leave her,I'm not sure what to do,please help.

[nsantoro]

If she slept with this guy before you even knew her, then there is nothing you really can do. Would it have been a big deal if you had gone with her,? If shes constantly going over there instead of being with u or not inviting u then that may be a weird sign but if theyre just friends and wanna hang out once in a while dont worry. Its normal to be paranoid about things like this but if you trust her thats all that matters. You have to have trust in her or else it wont work.

[Mish]

Yeh, she's being a bit too close with an ex and I think you are justified in being concerned about her getting drunk with a guy with intimate knowledge of inside her pants. There's no need to explode or to call anyone names, just calmly explain your reasons and how this makes you feel. If she sees nothing wrong with it, then you'll have to ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who cares so little about your feelings.

[Yggdrasil]

Yeah, like Mishanya said: set a HEALTHY boundary. Maybe something to the extend of: If you keep on going to this guys place and hanging out around him, I will have no choice as to break up with you because it goes against my morals.

Don't get me wrong, I am not telling you to break up with her, I am telling you not to compromize your morals and ethics for a woman.

[Gigabitch]

Read Gottfried's post three times, then comply with his direction.

[Rollerderby]

It's one thing to get jealous over guys you have no history, it's another to get upset about guys who they do have history with. Why else would she want to keep in touch with him unless there were still feelings? Exactly. Doesn't mean she will cheat on you, but it's a major headache for you to deal with. You want to trust her, but you want her to make you her priority. You guys sound young, and this is common. No one wants to budge on their sides. Besides, you already didn't like this guy before you found out. This is busch league.

[lightning88]

ok,The reason I didnt like him before is because of the way he looks at her,and as I said I trust her with like every other person,because they are friends and im allowed to be around them to, I dont want to crowd or control her. so I do let her hang out with friends alone all the time,in Fact I let her take my really expensive car tonight to hang with her friends.

I trust her completly,but I dont trust what may happen if he gets her high enough I do belive she wouldnt cheat on me,but she isnt herself when shes like that,and he wants her really bad and i know it and hate it. And im not so sure what she would allow to happen when shes messed up.so I guess in that way i dont trust her.

I was honestly thinking of leaving her when she wanted to sleep there,and im almost sure ill leave her if she does,i wont be treated that way.

to answer one of you I'm 20 shes 21. I'm very mature for my age and want a long term relationship but im not so sure she does..... and it worries me. because I do love her INSANLY much.

[Doc Durian]

If she stays the night, send her packing for good. Like the others suggested.

It's too much stress, and disrespectful to you.

I also wouldn't be lending her your nice car to go visit "friends", if you get my drift...

[jay12]

The problem i see is that it obviously seems like this is her circle of friends. The people who make up her whole life - and after a couple of months, she's never gonna ditch them for you (and you wouldnt want her to do that completely, no?) . Maybe ditching this guy would mean ditching her whole circle of friends.

IMO its perfectly believeable that this guy means nothing to her now other than a part of her circle of friends, her life.

But at the same time - i completely understand your feelings and i dont know if i could cope with it.

See if you can cope with it before dumping her as you may regret it later, especially if she really so perfect. Maybe show her you understand this before you offer her any ultimatums, she will be much more willing to compromise if she see's you doing the same. Get her to understand how this is naturally gonna make you feel, without sounding insistant or demanding.

[Yggdrasil]

You're maybe mature, but she's into drugs, sex and rock 'n roll (to use a stereotype)... nothing to bad at that age.., but hardly someone you want to settle down with and create long term goals with, such as marriage, children, house, career, unless you fall for that kind of personality.

If I would be you, I would look for a more mature girl, that better suits your needs and personallity.

Obviously she isn't grown up yet. She'll probably be a great gall once she gets out of this stage.. but do you want to put your life on hold for her?

I dunno bud.. but I would move on. I'm quite sure you can do a lot better.

[lightning88]

I can say that she is worth fighting for to me. I love her more than anyone ive ever met. we get along wonderful and always so happy when we are together,we have almost everything in common,pretty much the only thing we dissagree on is her friend. if she were to stay there it would be pushing me WAY to far and i dont think i could handle that even tho i love her very deeply.

I dont want her to choose me or him,thats not it,i dont want to be an ass and control her,or take her friends away,thats not what i want at all. I just cant trust this guy and would like to be there.

and honestly i like her taking my car,because i do love her and her car has issues. I wanted her to be safe,and i know she wouldnt damege it. and to be completly honest ive lowjacked it before to see if she was really where she was telling me,she has never lied to me that i can find,shes always where she says.

[zombie_loo89]

I don't think you're paranoid, I think you have every right to worry about her safety. She thinks it's just you worrying about her cheating, but you're also worried about her safety. If she's going to go over there and **** around with these people knowing it makes you uncomfortable and knowing it could put her at risk then that's stupid on her part. I know it's really hard to leave someone you love so much but there has to be a common ground, I know you trust her, and it's very difficult to be around people she's slept with previous to your relationship with her. If she can't recognize that this isn't just hurting you and her individually, but your relationship together then she isn't worth your hurting.

[lightning88]

well I got somewhere last night,I told her I was gonna go hang out with one of my exes,she didnt like it and acted the same way I did,I was just like "now you know how I feel",I'm not really gonna hang with my ex and she knows it and understands more of how I feel now.

I dont know if it will work,but I'm going to try to make it work,because I do love her and want to be with her.So I'm doing my best,and I know I'm taking alot more crap than I should,and I honestly dont know if it will be worth it in the long run.

gottfried,if I threaten her or give her an ultimatum she would shut me out and we would fight. that is not the way to deal with her,I have to make her see my view and she will change on her own. thats the only way with her.

I really wanted to know if everyone else would be as upset with me,and im pretty sure you all would.

[Yggdrasil]

well I got somewhere last night,I told her I was gonna go hang out with one of my exes,she didnt like it and acted the same way I did,I was just like "now you know how I feel",I'm not really gonna hang with my ex and she knows it and understands more of how I feel now.

Eventhough I don't really agree with the way you brought it to her, I can understand your point and the amount of frustration that must be attached to it for you.

I would suggest at this point, to let it cool down a little, or in other words, to let it sink in to her that what she is doing is hurtfull.

Once she sort of understand that, I'd have a serious talk with her about what's she's going to do about the behaviour that hurts you so much.

If she's not open to adjusting her behaviour, you really are better of moving on.

[zombie_loo89]

I think what you said to her wasn't right but if that was the only way you could get your point across then I guess it's a positive. Don't let her drag you down though, hurting her doesn't solve anything, nor does making her worry by telling her you're going to an exes, even though you do have the right to do that because she's done it.